It's Thursday night and this is by far the worst day of my entire life to date. I've never hurt so much for so long. I'm sitting in a hospital room watching the love of my life slip away, straining for every breath. I'm praying for God's mercy. Beck took a turn this afternoon and she's close to going home. The cancer is finally going to win. I've been looking at old pictures, torturing myself, and I've come to one conclusion. No man has ever lost as much as I'm losing tonight. I have dreaded this day for some time now, and please don't be offended at what I just said about loss. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The fairy tale is ending. The beautiful, wonderful woman who chose me for her man is leaving me and I can't do a thing about it. The world doesn't even seem real right now. It's like being trapped in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. We had so many plans for the future, and now I'm going to be alone again. Tonight is about her though, so I want all of you to know how incredibly wonderful she is. She's the best mother of all time, the best friend anyone ever had, the best wife ever created, and the best person I ever met. Her heart has always been for others. She is beautiful in every way imaginable.
I thought my life was set, and now my life is gone. I don't know how I'm going to continue without her. I have no desire to right now. I have to think about one thing at a time though, and Ruth and I are making sure she doesn't suffer. I will be by her when she leaves me, like I said I would. To death do we part, and I meant it. Death is coming tonight for the angel in my dreams, and I know she's going to live forever. I just really hate this world right now.
Please pray for God's mercy. Pray that he will call her home and take care of all involved. I know God is with us, and I don't blame him. I just can't take this pain by myself. This is too much for anyone, and I don't want to be a widower. I guess I'll have to accept this eventually, but not tonight.
The name of my blog is "My Journey With Becka". That journey is ending soon, and a new journey will start. I only hope that God gives me the strength and desire to go on it, because right now I have neither.
I'll write in the morning. Good night and God Bless.
