Day 291

Friday night and as always, nothing stays the same. Life is always changing, and sometimes it changes rapidly. Beck went to bed an hour ago. She's going to bed for the night earlier and earlier every day. She was hurting in her side and leg. I'm starting some passive physical therapy tomorrow, but she's so tender that we need to be very easy. She can barely walk now, and she's lost complete track of what day it is and the time. A very good friend of mine from work brought us all supper tonight. She, her Mother, and her son brought us enough Chicken Alfredo, salad, bread, and desert to feed all of us twice and the neighbors, which we did. She also brought some cards from two of my stores, both of which had money in them. I'm so grateful for the sacrifice that people have made. One day I'll be in a position to pay it back one way or another. Cheryl brought all of the food in and said hey to Beck, then five minutes later Beck asked what we were going to do for dinner. Her long term memory is still good, but short term isn't. 

She stayed up quite a bit today though for Andrew's birthday. His party isn't until tomorrow, but we let him open his gifts from us today. He was ecstatic! We have a store that sells second hand computers here, and I found a brand new HP laptop with 500 gigs and 3 gigs of ram for about a third of the price that Walmart had the same computer. We gave him that and a new case for it. It has a built in camera, five USB ports, internal disc drive, and it still had the factory plastic on top of it. He has wanted one for a while now and it made his morning, but this evening I blew his mind.

 I told him a couple of years ago that when he turned thirteen I would buy him a .22 rifle, and he kinda forgot, so tonight we gave him a Savage bolt action .22 rifle. It holds one in the chamber and ten in the clip. We also gave him a case and strap for it, and enough ammunition to take out the town. The Ammo is in the safe, and the keys to the bolt lock are too. We are all about safety, and he is very responsible. He knows not to touch it when I'm not here, and he knows it's not a BB gun, but rather a deadly weapon that will kill anything he shoots. We are going shooting tomorrow, but I'm signing him up for a gun safety course at the Sheriff's Department. Safety first! You should have seen his eyes when he realized what it was that he was opening. He thought it was another sword. He has a very impressive collection of samarai swords on his wall. We built him a rack for them. Andrew is extremely good with his hands. He had I have built erector sets together, and I've taught him how to use tools. We've built quite a few things like shelves and such, but the coolest thing he's done with me so far was either when we went shooting at my Dad's, or when I let him cut down a tree with the chain saw. He's all boy, that much is certain. He's testing for his black stripe in Taekwondo this month, and they made him an instructor. He teaches the white belt kids.

 I guess the best thing that happened today was that Beck was able to see him as happy as he is capable of being on his birthday. She smiled the entire time, and I saw a couple of tears. Beck is the greatest mother ever. The kids absolutely adore her. I have to remember that they are still kids and are handling this on teenage levels. We will all need counseling when this is over, so I'm going to go ahead and set it up. Cancer services offers counseling to kids of parents with Cancer, and my church has a fantastic pastoral group with pastors who have their degrees in counseling as well. I lean towards Christian counseling because they explain things through the word of God so that the kids can understand the entire meaning of what is going on.

I stayed up for a long time last night. I cried for a while, posted some pictures of Beck on line, then cried some more. I guess the Anniversary took a toll on my heart. I kept going in and touching her face gently, covering her up and fixing her pillows. I finally laid down about three thirty, then she and I went back to bed this morning after I got Autumn up for school. Andrew didn't go because he was sick last night and this morning, but he seems to be fine now. Beck seems to be deteriorating. I say this with all sincerity. If you are going to come see her, even for a few minutes, do it now. She sleeps a lot and her pain is increasing to the point where I'm probably going to have to get the doctor to give her something stronger than what she is taking. Her appetite has been great up until this evening. She only ate about half of her supper and wasn't hungry anymore. 

I don't know why this is happening to one of the most wonderful women God ever created. I hate cancer. It takes everything away. It makes everyone around the person with it feel helpless and at it's mercy. It's almost like it has an evil mind of it's own. I stay so frustrated. Not at Beck, but at myself for not being able to do more. I neglect people by not calling them, and I don't mean to, but I get tunnel vision and she's all I think about. There are so many people who have reached out to me who I love with all of my heart. I pray that you don't think I'm casting you to the side. I just can't seem to concentrate on anything but her right now. The birthday gifts and party are for Andrew because he's such a great young man and deserves it, but they are for her too. When she sees him or Autumn happy, it makes her even happier. All of you who have children understand that. Beck's heart is always for someone else. She grieves because she doesn't want to leave us alone. She knows perfectly that she is going to be fine. It's us that won't for a while, and I don't know if I will ever be complete again. She owns my heart and it goes where she goes. Only time will tell how things will be. Until then, we are all scared and worn out. God gives us strength for one day at a time, and we take it with gratitude.

I'm going to check on her and stay up all night again I guess. I'll catch up on sleep next year. Until then, I love you guys. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless