It's Monday night and my Baby is sleeping soundly. It's wonderful to see her relaxed finally. Hospital beds aren't built for comfort, no matter how they look. The nurse just came in and gave her a shot in her stomach and she didn't even flinch. She gave her a pill to take as well, and Beck went right back to sleep. We don't know much more than we did because she had an MRI today of her brain, and we won't get the results back until tomorrow. The doctor came in early this morning, so he probably will tomorrow as well. She ate well today. She had hospital breakfast food, and I went down when they opened and got her a Mocha from Starbucks and a cinnamon coffee cake. I don't care what she eats right now, as long as she eats. For lunch, I brought her an Arby's beef and cheddar and some curly fries, and she didn't eat much supper. Come to think of it, neither did I. I may go get something in a few. I don't think she's going to wake up again any time soon.
I'm praying with all of my heart that she leaves here and goes home. I don't want this to be the end. God is in charge, but I can express to him how I feel. I just have to accept the outcome. I'm praying that the medicines they are giving her will dissolve the embolisms in her leg and lung. Ruth got here late last night. She and Mom came to the hospital. I wish the whole family could be here right now. I want everyone to be able to see her while she knows who they are.
I had to go home for a few this evening after Beck's Dad and Mom brought the kids up here. I felt so completely alone when I got there, so I only stayed for a few. Everywhere I looked I saw Becka. She leaves an impression on everyone and everything she comes in contact with. She has taken very good care of my heart, that much is certain. When I got back to the hospital, I got everyone in to another room and wanted to have a family talk. I told the kids that I'm proud of them and I know they are hurting, but I need them to help me as much as possible. We had a very good conversation. I told them this is no time for bickering or sarcasm, and no matter how they felt it wasn't wrong. I'm going to get them some Christian counseling from my church. We ended in a prayer, and my Uncle Kirk showed up to see Beck. She had quite a few people come see her today. I hope she remembers them coming by.
I need to go find some food, then come back here for the night. One of the nurses came in and made my bed for me, so it ought to be better than last night. My male pride prohibited me from asking how the bed worked yesterday. One bad night cures that.
I'll write more tomorrow morning after the doctor comes in. God is in charge. Becka stares off in to space more and more, and she fiddles with her right hand. She tore her port out of her chest last night in her sleep, but I was on it and got it to stop bleeding, then called the nurse who put it right back in. She's sleeping much more soundly tonight. I say that and she just had a choking spell. My heart is beating in my jaw. The doctors say that if the embolism closes off or moves, she will go immediately away. I can't explain how I feel right now. I don't want her to go. I'll never be ready for it, but I will be here when she does. I still can't believe this.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless
