Beck and I went back to bed until about four thirty, then she got up and I helped her to the living room. I fixed her some strawberry creme oatmeal and got the kids out the door, then she went back to bed. I probably should have, but I started cleaning and enjoying the two cups of coffee coursing through me. I did a few things around the house, and around eleven I started lunch. I cut up three chicken breasts and fried them in teriyaki sauce, and I made some noodles. I helped Beck to her chair and we ate lunch and watched a few episodes of 24, then she wanted to lay back down, so I went to help her and we got half way across the living room and she had a seizure. I held her and her legs went crazy. She got upset and I kept whispering to her that it was okay and I wasn't going to let her fall. She finally regained some control over her legs, and we took baby steps to the bedroom. As soon as she laid down, she said she was okay but her head hurt, so I gave her a pain pill. She went back to sleep for a while, and I called a friend of mine and talked for a bit. My nerves were on the brink and I cried for a long time, then I regained my composure but I still felt like I was going to lose it all afternoon. I have an impending sense of dread. I thought I was going to lose her in my arms today and I felt my heart beating in my head. I've never been that terrified.
When Beck woke, I helped her back in the living room. I set up the camera and we made a short video. She started out by saying, "If you are watching this, I'm in Heaven". I could feel my chest getting heavy and my eyes welling up, but I focused because this was important. She said some things to the kids, and to her parents, her sisters and brother, and my family. Then she addressed some friends. It didn't take long. No one will see it until it's time. By the time we finished it, we were both crying. It was an emotional, yet loving and tender thing to do.
All of my frustrations came out later. When Autumn got home I targeted her. I had asked her for three days in a row to clean up her room, and she hadn't done it. I didn't take in to consideration that she is in high school and has four hours a night of homework. I just needed an outlet and she was it. I told her she was grounded and scolded her, then made a jerk of myself in front of her best friend and her mother. I even talked sharply to Beck. It only took a few minutes. I walked out on the back porch, started crying and looked up at the sky and said "God please help me". An enormous sense of despair and guilt came over me, so I cried some more, then ran upstairs and handed Autumn back her phone, told her how sorry I was, begged her forgiveness, put my arms around her and told her I loved her. She forgave me immediately. She understands because she is dealing with her own pain. She's an incredible, strong, beautiful young lady, and I'm very proud of her. I ran downstairs and knelt at Becka's feet, took her face in my hands, and begged her forgiveness as well. She looked at me, told me she loved me, took my arms with her hands, and told me I didn't have anything to apologize for. God is truly good. I asked him to help and he did. I guess I'm allowed to fail every once in a while, but I beat myself up because the one person I have trouble forgiving is myself. It all turned out okay, and tomorrow is a new day. I cooked a special supper for everyone. I fried pork chops, made candied sweet potatoes with brown sugar, cinnamon, and marsh mallows, and I made corn bread. Beck has some Moose Tracks ice cream afterwards, and I baked a red velvet cake for the kids, (and me).
Today has taken everything out of me. God was with me all day, even when I was angry. I didn't go too far because he held me back until I came back to sanity. My family forgives me because they know I love them, and they love me. I give all Glory to God for making me lovable at all. I'm going to kiss my Baby goodnight, pray for a while, then go to bed.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
