It's Wednesday night, and I'll try to get the day right this time! Yesterday I jumped from Tuesday to Friday. I think I was wishful thinking. Ruth, Andrew, and I are watching a show called "Storage Wars". If you've ever seen it, you'll know what "YUUUUP" means. Otherwise it's too long of a story. Andrew isn't feeling well. He felt hot but his temperature was normal, thank the Lord. We gave him some Tylenol anyway. No one can be around Becka right now if they are sick at all. Her immune system is way down because of the Chemotherapy. She's done very well with it by the Grace of God! She has already gone to bed because she has no energy, but I'm so grateful that she's not sick from the medicine. It's not over yet, but I think it will be fine. I cooked supper tonight and Ruth cleaned up afterwards. We had lasagna and garlic bread. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I took off work today. We were up last night and I was physically and mentally exhausted, plus I wanted to be near Becka in case she had any reactions. I know she was fine with Ruth, but I really don't want to leave her if I don't have to. I've never wanted anything more in my fourty four years of life than I want the medicine to work and for her to be cancer free. It seems like she has been sick for so long and I just want her to feel better.
My nerves are completely shot and I feel like I'm going to crack in half. When all of this is over, I'm going to do something nice for the kids, because I've been walking around with a hair trigger. I'm glad that I can recognize it, so that I can practice some restraint. I'm with Becka for the rest of my life. I'll be by her side through everything we have to go through. I guess I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed, and I've never felt so much fear for so long. Fear of the unknown and of things I have no control over, and that's what's scary. Change is terrifying as well. It is for me anyway. I was in my comfort zone when all of this just whapped us over the head. Becka's cancer came out of nowhere. One second she was fine, and the next she's taking radiation and chemotherapy to save her life. I feel so helpless and I'm forced to trust others. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, and do what I'm supposed to do one day at a time. I'll be completely honest. Even though I've been sober for many years because God removed the desire to drink, the thought has crossed my mind. That might be God reminding me that I can't ever drink successfully again. I can't change my feelings chemically. I have to face them head on, and trust in powers greater than me. I'm praying for God to calm my brain and give me peace of mind. My mind is my worse enemy sometimes. My thoughts are like a bad neighborhood. I don't need to be there by myself, so I'm writing this and reaching out, to you if you are reading it. I can call it anything I want. In the end, the fact is that I'm just scared.
I'm calling it a night, checking on my Baby, and getting the kids to bed. Good night and God Bless! Praying for good thoughts, and for our friend's son who was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.
