It's Saturday night and I'm glad this day is over. It's been a difficult day. For the past few weeks, I've been putting on a happy face, and I am extremely grateful for the progress Becka is making, but I'm like a duck on a pond. Above water, everything is calm and serene, but below the surface, I'm paddling like crazy to get from one point to the other, and today it caught up with me. We had a good morning. Becka and I went to a massive yard sale at the church, then we came back to the house and I wanted to clean up. I asked the kids to help me by cleaning their bathrooms, they of course acted like kids because that's what they are, and I had a melt down. I can't for the life of me tell you where it came from, but I yelled at both of them and then at Becka. It only lasted a few minutes and I got in the truck and drove up the road for a few. They forgave me of course because they love me, and I had a long talk with Becka. I came clean that I'm not handling all of the stress very well, and there is another problem. I've been having these "attacks". All of a sudden, out of nowhere, this pain starts in my chest at the base of my neck and travels up through my jaw. It happens every once in a while, but the pain is so severe that I usually drop to my knees, can't speak or hardly breath, and I'm immobilized. It only lasts for a few minutes. I've been thinking they are panic attacks, and I absolutely forgot to tell the doctor about them the other day. I'm going Monday to get checked out and make sure that's what they are. As for the stress level, I think I just need to communicate more with Becka and the kids about how I'm really feeling inside. I'm praying tonight for forgiveness and for serenity to do the things I need to do. I need to realize my limitations and ask for help when I need it instead of trying to "Man Up" by letting my ego control me. I worry all day long about everything and I don't know how to stop. I worry about Becka and the treatments, about my job and if they will ever get sick of covering for me when I need to be with her, about finances and how are we going to pay for everything, the kids, my health, like I said.....everything.
This day has taken everything out of me. I did get a bunch of things done around here. We went to Walmart and I did get a good laugh when my mother came up behind us and ran over Autumn with the buggy. I'm definitely a Mama's boy, always have been, and when I'm torn inside, it has always helped me to see her. Tell me with a straight face that it wasn't a God moment for Mom to be there today!
We are going to get through this. Everyone has bad days and today was mine. I still have demons that attack me and want me to be the man I used to be. I recognize that now, and I know what to do about it. I pray, and they run away. I think I just need my mind to slow down. Becka has been hurting in her side for a couple of days now, right where her tumor is. I can almost feel her pain and it scares me to death sometimes, but it also brings me back to reality. We know what needs to be done every day, and it's truly one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me tell on myself tonight. I've always heard that I'm only as sick as my secrets, so I vow not to have any. God Bless and I'll see you tomorrow I hope!
