It's Monday night and I just got home from work at Ten oclock. I had to go back in on an emergency. I'm so grateful for Debbie and Gina being here so that I'm able to go to work. Work is therapy for me. It gives me the sense of accomplishment, because when I'm here, sometimes I feel helpless. I've been trying to be strong lately and saying that I'm not going to grieve because I have nothing to grieve yet. My beautiful wife is still here with me, and she could outlive me for all we know, but the fact is that I grieve quite a bit. I think they were trying to kill me today with the music they were playing at work. First they played the song, "More than words" by Extreme, which is one of our favorite love songs. If you haven't heard it, head to Youtube after this and play it. Then they played, "It's your love" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. That reminded me of our wedding because we played it at the reception and during the service. Here's the real deal. There is a huge, gaping hole in my heart, and nothing could fill it right now. It's been there since she was diagnosed in November. I walk around here like I'm okay, when really I just want to scream. My memories are what will do me in eventually. The best and most loving, intimate, tender memories I have in life have been with Becka. We are still making them. Don't get me wrong. She tells me she loves me every day, several times a day, and I'm certain that she's telling the truth. I'm just scared, and I refuse to accept any of this. Eventually I will have to, but right now I don't. When I look in her eyes, I see nothing wrong. The love God created grows stronger every day. It carries me through the darkest times, which are right now. These are the worst times of my life, and the best at the same time, if that makes any sense. I've never felt closer to Becka in my life. There is nowhere on Earth I would rather be. I am where I belong. I just need all of you to carry me through this and get to the other side. My Baby is going to be okay. As long as I know that, I will be okay.
She had an appointment with her Oncologist today. Gina, Debbie, and I took her. He is a wonderful man and we love him very much. He cares deeply for his patients. He tapered her down off of her steroids so that she will feel better, and ordered an MRI in two weeks. Until then, there is nothing else we can do. I pray every day, all day, but my prayers have changed now. I just hope I'm praying in God's will. Only he can fix this.
I'm going to get her off the couch and get to bed. God Bless you all. The fundraiser is going great! Thanks so much to Dwayne and Leslie, and to all of you. Sweet Dreams.
