It's Tuesday night and my gut is hurting and my heart is pounding. I'll tell you why later, but there are so many things to worry about I can't keep up. I'm so afraid of everything today, and it seems, every day now. Paralyzing fear is a regular part of my life. I go from emotional outbursts to panic attacks during the day and it feels like my heart is going to bust out of my chest. I definitely need counseling. I feel like I finally got a normal life and a family after all of these years, and it's being taken away from me. I just want to slap myself and yell "Man Up". A friend of mine told me today that I was a "rock". I'm more like a duck on a pond. Above water all you see is calm, but below the water is chaos. I want so much to be at peace, but tonight I'm angry and resentful. More will be revealed, but I can tell you this. I'm not the kind of guy that goes down without a fight, and apparently neither is my wife. She's sleeping on the couch right now. I'm fixing to go put her to bed for the night and pray she is okay all night. I don't need any added stress, although some feel like I do. I'm going to pray for those people, and walk away from them. The only thing that matters right now is my Baby. Her happiness is my only goal in life right now.
We will get through this as a family, because that's what we are. I've been here at ground zero from the start, doing what I feel like was my part because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. This is the only life I ever wanted, and I will fight for it until there is no breath in my lungs. You can take that to the bank. One side note, I'm looking for a target right now, so this isn't a good time to find out whether or not I will snap. I'm sorry if I sound mad, but it's because I am.
I have a lot of paperwork to do tonight, so God Bless and sweet dreams. I'm going to put my anger to the side and love on my Angel until I can't stay awake anymore. Please keep praying, and I know you will, because all of you care, and I love each and every one of you.
