It's Sunday night and we are home. We had a fantastic beach trip, mainly because Becka had a good time. It meant the world to me for us to be there, because Myrtle Beach South Carolina is where Becka and I honeymooned. The memories are powerful in my mind, and painful at the same time. Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were walking down the aisle. Now we are facing this together, and my heart is confused. I've never been so full of love, and so full of sorrow at the same time. At any given minute, I'm laughing my head off, and crying uncontrollably the next minute. I feel so useless and helpless. I want her to get well so badly, and there is nothing I can do about it except stay by her side, which is exactly what I'm going to do. Becka has an appointment with one of the best specialists dealing with brain cancer in the State Thursday. We are praying hard that he will give us some type of alternative solution like a clinical trial that she can be a part of. I am trying my best to stay in today. Every second together counts. I'm also trying not to grieve, because even though she's hurt, she's still right here. I stay up at night just to listen to her breathe, I watch her from across the room, and I touch her every time she's in arm's reach. All that matters is right now at this moment. There is absolutely nothing I can do about tomorrow or yesterday, but for right now, my sweet wife has her feet in my lap, asleep on the couch.
I've never hurt his badly, ever, so I don't even want to think about hurting any worse, but I'll tell you this. No matter how much this has torn my heart out all the way to my soul, if I had known it was going to happen, I would still be right here beside of her. The years we have spent together have been the best of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. No amount of pain could have kept me from her. She's my soul mate, through and through. I'll never understand what she saw in me, but today she sees the love in my heart through my eyes, my words, and my actions. She knows how much I love her, but she will never truly know how I feel about her, because I can't express it in words.
I've been trying my best to be mad at God. Not consciously, but I don't understand this. I'm not so presumptuous that I would second guess God's will, but usually during the day, there are times when I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and punching something. I can't be mad at God though, because I know three things. He loves Becka more than I do. He didn't give her cancer, and I'm going to need him to survive this and be sane. I'm reading from the book of Psalms right now. The pastor that married us called me tonight. He's an incredible friend, and he's coming by this week to pray with us and counsel us as well. I love him very much.
I'm headed to the hospital. My Stepbrother is there and they just called and said for us to come. He has been on a respirator. He's my age. Unreal. This has been some year I tell you.
God Bless and I will post every day from now on. I didn't have WIFI at the beach, and I wanted to spend it with Becka, Ruth, and the kids anyway. Same time tomorrow and I love you all.
