It's the Fourth of July, Wednesday night, and we just got home from a great fireworks show. The Town of Lewisville always goes all out on it's fireworks. Becka, Ruth, and the kids enjoyed it! Today has been a very emotional day. This experience has changed me forever. I need to go back to yesterday. I was at work, and Becka's doctor called me. He is the Radiology Oncologist that has given Beck all of her radiation treatments. He told me in a loving way that there wasn't anything else they could do for Becka. The first round of radiation she had were "targeted" at her tumors. This round isn't. They are merely showering her brain with radiation to keep the tumors from spreading as quickly. He gave me a time frame as to how long he thinks she will live. I fell down on my knees in pain and couldn't breathe.
When I gained my composure, I called Becka's sister Ruth. At first, we weren't going to tell her what the doctor said. He told me that he never tells his patients what he told me, but he thought I should know. I love the man, and I completely understand his reasoning. I carried that with me home, and all night it was on my heart, then I woke up this morning after sleeping about an hour last night, and went to work. I called a couple of friends including a pastor friend of mine, and they all agreed that I should tell her what the doctor said. There were so many reasons to tell her that I can't count them, and only one reason not to-my fear. Becka needs to be in on the decision making process. She needs to know what she is facing, and if she has unresolved issues, then she has time to make them right. So I called Ruth and she agreed. I came home and we had breakfast. Ruth cooked omelets, and then we sat down and told her. I can't describe the emotions. There aren't words and I'm not going to try. That amount of grief shouldn't exist. After we gained our composure, we made the decision to tell the kids, so we did. We all cried together as a family, then I did what I'm supposed to do as the man of the house. I told them all that we don't need to grieve right now, because there is nothing to grieve yet. We still have her here. We can still hug and kiss her, tell her we love her, and be the family we have always been. I'm not going to act like she's gone, because she isn't, and we would only be wasting the time we have left. We are all going to the beach Friday. Becka's family paid for the trip, and I can't say thank you enough. There are people coming from all over to see her, and we need as much comfort and support as we can get. I've said before and I'll say again, Becka is beloved. I told the kids that nothing they feel or say is wrong, and to be open with everything so we can help them. They need to be able to express their feelings, and no one can tell them how they should feel. We are going to get through this together.
We have not given up. We are taking Becka to Wake Forest Physicians, Baptist Medical Center Oncology, and we are sending all of her records to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston Tx for review. If either of them say they can treat her, I'll do whatever it takes. We all will. This family is tight, and we are all on the same page. Becka's sisters are incredible, and we are in agreement on everything. She is willing to fight to the end, and so are we. If they think they can help her in Texas, we will be on a plane tomorrow. All that matters to me right now is for her to live as long as possible, and for the kids to be okay. I'm sure one day that I will fall completely apart, but not right now while there is still hope. God knows my heart, and I'm giving it all to him, so whatever happens, I will give him the Glory through it all, no matter what.
I'm going to bed so that I can get up during the night and check on her. If you love someone, hold them tight tonight and tell them how you feel before it's too late. One thing is certain. Becka knows how I feel about her. I have no regrets. These past four years have been the best of my life, and I want forty more. Only time will tell, but just for today, I have the love of my life, my soulmate, and the object of my affection, right by my side. I'm going to make the best of today, and pray that I can have it again tomorrow.
Good night and God Bless!
