It's Friday night and I can't see me going to bed anytime soon. The nightmare isn't over yet. For those of you who don't know, the doctors found four new tumors in Becka's brain today. One of them is deep inside and has already bled, and it caused a minor stroke, which explains the way she has been feeling and acting for the past week. God must have a plan for her, because it should have killed her. Dr Stieber immediately started her back on radiation treatments today, and he even called in his staff to give her one tomorrow, even though they are always closed on Saturday. They are going to try their best to get rid of them.
This isn't about me, it's about her, but I need to write down how I feel right now so that I won't ever forget it. All of my joy is gone tonight. It's almost surreal. I don't understand this at all. She was so happy because she had started growing hair again, and now it's back to square one. I finally did pray tonight and I'm begging God to please save her. The God in the bible, the one who I've always been told was omnipotent and gracious, loving and caring, hears our prayers. I'm praying to him, but he knows and I know that I'm very selfish when it comes to her, and I need her here. I'm placing it in his hands, and if he heals her, I will give him all of the glory, but if he doesn't and she suffers, I don't want to hear anything about it being "God's Will". I'm hurt and I'm terrified right now, and I feel like I'm going to fall apart, but I can't. I have to hold it together for her and for the kids. This little setback isn't going to get me down. Lord, I give it all to you, and I beg for mercy. With everything I have and everything I am, please.
Please keep praying. I'll be up for a while cleaning and checking on her. I gave her a steroid pill and a pain pill a minute ago and she's gone to bed. I'll be up watching her all night, that much is certain. I talked to the kids about this today, and I explained to them that she definitely could recover, but they need to spend as much time praying as possible. I've never hated anything in my life as much as I hate cancer.
God Bless and thanks for everything. I'm going to organize a bake/yard sale to try and raise some money for bills. They are piling on, and I foresee bankruptcy in our future, but that doesn't matter to me right now. All I care about is her getting well.
Good night.
