Day Fifty Eight

It's Tuesday night and I just got home from Taekwondo. Becka is eating an orange and feeling pretty good. She had Chemotherapy today and it went well. Debbie and I went with her, then I left and came home with the kids while Debbie stayed. They gave her a bunch of meds so she's very tired. I really pray that the Chemo doesn't make her as sick as last time and her body adjusts to it. It was a good day overall. Debbie and I went to lunch and brought Becka back an authentic Greek Gyro. Her appetite has picked up over the last few days, but she's lot some weight. I just hope that we can keep finding things that taste good to her.

We had a "Mask Destroying" party today! Becka had a horrible plastic mask that they put over her face to hold her head in place during radiation. When she finished her treatments, they gave it to her. Today we recorded it while she hit it with my sledge hammer, then I cut it up with my chain saw, and we finished it off with lighter fluid. The mask was reminiscent of something from the Spanish Inquisition, so I'm glad it's gone, and I pray with all of my heart that she never has to wear one again.

I'm very proud of Autumn. She saved enough money to buy her own laptop computer! I took her today to the pawn shop and she picked out a nice Compaq. Then we went to Walmart and bought a case for it. I love teaching the kids about Capitalism!

I'm sorry this is so short but I'm exhausted. God Bless you and I'll write more tomorrow. I just need to take my mind off of this for tonight. Sweet dreams!

Day Fifty Seven

Monday and I feel like I've been attacked all day. We all have those days where nothing seems to go right, but the fact is, I made it home okay. I was almost in an accident on the way home. Everyone in front of me decided at once to lock it up. I'm glad I had new tires put on the work truck not too long ago, but they are probably flat spotted now. I was standing on the brake and I didn't hit anything, but my heart was beating in my chest. I think I might slow down from now on.

I had a bad encounter on the phone today. Becka's OBGYN called me and was rather rude on the phone about a bill. I guess all bill collectors are trained how to be butts. I explained to her that we had about a hundred doctor bills laying here and I'm sure that theirs was in the pile, and we would get around to it as soon as possible. I also let her know that last year after their Doctor operated on Becka, then gave her a clean bill of health, she was diagnosed with stage four cancer by another doctor a month later. I guess he must have missed it huh? It's a good thing we are the grateful type and not the suing type.

Becka is feeling better today and eating! I hope it lasts because her next Chemo treatment is in the morning. I took off work to go with her and Debbie. Please keep her in your prayers! I know that the chemo is making her sick, but I'm still grateful for each and every IV bag they hook up to her. One day, maybe not too far down the road, there will be other treatments for cancer, but for now, the chemo is going to save her life, so I can say with all sincerity, "Cancer Sucks, Chemo Rocks"!!!

Going to take a break. I will write more tonight before bed time. Love you!

Just got home from Taekwondo and Becka is watching TV! That's awesome! She's felt good all day and seems to have more of her strength back. We are calling it a night. Thank you Lord for another day!
See you tomorrow...

Day Fifty Six

It's Sunday and it seems like all I've been able to write about was bad news, but today has been blessed. Becka has been up quite a bit today and she's felt good comparatively. I fixed her some eggs this morning and a turkey sandwich for lunch, and for supper I cooked a chicken in the crock pot and made some home made mashed potatoes. She's laying down right now, but it's okay. I see a lot of improvement and I'm thanking God for that! She only has one more day before her next Chemotherapy treatment, so I pray that tomorrow is even better for her.

It's funny. I remember that I used to want to win the lottery so I could buy a bigger house, a sports car, a new FORD truck, and a boat. Now I wish I would win the lottery so that I could stay home with her all of the time. I'm so very grateful for Debbie and Ruth staying with us, but I miss her so badly during the day. My body goes to work but my mind and my heart stay here. When I think about it, I've been in so many situations and life changing events in my forty four years, and in every case I adapted to my surroundings and accepted the way things were, but not now. I haven't become "comfortable" with this in the least, nor have I accepted this as normal. I don't think I ever will, and I don't think I really have to, to tell you the truth. I'm going to keep fighting with my last breath to get her well and enrich her life, and I'm going to keep praying that God will lead us out of this, rather than have him just make it better for the time being. I'm not accepting anything short of her complete recovery and remission. Becka has cancer, Cancer doesn't have her. This is all like a bad dream, and one morning we are going to wake up and life will be normal again. I have to believe that, but until that day, all my beautiful wife has to do is look beside of her and she will see me. I am exactly where I belong, as well as where I want to be.

Gonna take a break. I'll write some more in a bit.

Watching the Pro Bowl! It's sad that there are only two games left this year. It's even sadder that the Redskins aren't in the Superbowl.......AGAIN. I wish I could buy the team and fire EVERYBODY, then start over. One of my best memories of all time was when my Grandfather and I went to Panther's Stadium in Charlotte North Carolina to see the Redskins play the Carolina Panthers. My Grand Dad had battled prostate cancer for years and he was sick, but nothing was going to keep him from the game. He and I were all "Skinned" up. He had on his leather Redskin jacket, (which I now have), and his Redskin hat. I had on warpaint. We sat in the middle of a bunch of Panther Fans. I remember before that game, the Panthers had won every home game in their franchise history, but the Redskins beat them that day. The Panther fans didn't give us a hard time because they knew my Grand Dad was sick. He was such a wonderful man. He fought cancer for twelve years but it finally won. There is no doubt where he is right now. He cared about the Lord, his family, and his dog. I can't wait to see him again and hug him tight. He never got to meet Becka. I'll introduce them in about fifty years, God willing!

Becka is up and she just ate! I can't express how wonderful that is! I'm going to bed early. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning, and I need to work four tens this week because I'm taking off Tuesday to go with her and Debbie to Chemo. God Bless you all and thanks for dropping by to read this. It helps me to express my feelings because unless I write them, sometimes I don't recognize them. Right now, this very second, I'm grateful. I pray that I stay that way!

Good night!

Day Fifty Five

Saturday night and we are watching a movie. I rented "Dolphin Tale". It's based on a true story and supposed to be a good family movie. Becka is watching for now. She's been laying down for a bit. Her system is haywire right now. She's been drinking the protein shakes I got her from GNC, and taking the Iron supplements the doctor called in for her. I'm praying that they will help with the fatigue and nausea. The main problem is her sense of taste. Everything tastes bad, so that makes it hard to eat. She did get out of the house today with Debbie. They went grocery shopping. Any kind of exercise is a plus. The bad part is that she only has two more days until her next Chemotherapy treatment. She had about a week after her last one until she started feeling really bad. It's hard to describe how it feels to watch someone you love with all of your heart go from being full of life and energetic, to being sick all of the time. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make her feel better, if only for a little while.

It's just us tonight. Debbie went to Charlotte for the night. She text and made it okay thank the Lord! I'll be glad when she gets back. I think I will cook for her for a change!

I'm conflicted about tomorrow. I need to work, but I also need to spend time with Becka. God has taken care of us so far, and if I just do all that I can every day, he will continue to take care of us. This too shall pass, and we will look back at this and remember the good that came out of it. For one, it has brought us closer together as a family. We appreciate every minute together. Our marriage, as wonderful as it was, means even more than it did, and the word "commitment" has taken on a new meaning. We can appreciate even more what others are going through when they are recovering from cancer. It has definitely brought us closer to God as a family. We pray more often and rely on him for everything. As for me, it has humbled me. I have had to rely on other people, and it makes me a better man I think. A stubborn, ignorant man will never admit that he needs help, but I've learned that when other people help me, they receive blessings from God.

I'm going to watch this movie with Beck and go to bed. God Bless all of you! I will never stop saying, thank you!

More to come......

Day Fifty Four

It's Friday! Like it means anything. I guess it's okay because the kids get to sleep in, but I have to go to work first thing in the morning. I'm grateful for the overtime. Debbie marinated some chicken breasts tonight and I cooked them on the grill. I don't know what her secret recipe is, but they were outstanding. She also cooked some seasoned potatoes, so we ate good tonight! Becka is up Praise the Lord. I bought her some meal replacements today at GNC, and made her a chocolate shake. She hasn't been eating and she's getting weaker. I pray that these Hybrid Protein shakes I bought her work. We have got to get some nutrients in her so she will feel better.

Tonight was very emotional. Becka has been sick for so long. I just want her to feel good again. She and I prayed together and it always makes a difference. Jesus said in John 14:26 "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." I pray every day that the Holy Spirit will come here and camp out with Becka. She doesn't understand any of this and neither do I, except that this is part of life. Sometimes she wonders what she did wrong to be punished. Don't get me wrong, she never feels sorry for herself. She knows that millions of people go through this. I guess when someone is sick for so long, they forget what it feels like to feel good. She will feel good again. We will walk on the beach. Her food will taste good again, and that's when we are going to a VERY nice restaurant, even if we have to sell one of the kids, lol!

 I love my wife so very much. I can't express in words what she means to me. I really do need for her to bury me, after we spend the next forty years together. She always tells me that when I die, she's going to bury my dog with me. (They don't get along very well). He's not right in the head and he doesn't like anyone but me. I think he was abused by a woman. If you ask Becka what breed he is, she will tell you he's a Boston Terrier - A**hole mix.

We are going to watch a movie and hit the hay. God Bless you with all of our hearts! Thanks for everything!

More to come.....

Day Fifty Three

Thursday and we just finished eating supper. Debbie cooked a roast and rice and it was fantastic! Becka can't stand the smell of food right now, so she took a shower and is laying down. The kids and I ate though and loved every minute of it. I had a very productive day at work. Lately I've been able to keep my emotions in check, but inevitably it always happens. I see someone that I haven't seen in a while and they ask me why I shaved my head in the winter time. I cry every time I tell Becka's story but usually in different parts. Today it was when I got to the part about the Radiologist telling us that the cancer had spread to her brain. It's okay though, because the more Christians I tell, the more people are praying for her. I know that I've said what many others are saying, which is, "All we can do is pray", but in fact, that's the FIRST thing I should always do. Talking to God is the most powerful conversation I will ever have.

Who am I to question the creator of everything. I have to ask myself do I trust God to heal her. I know that I have faith, but what about trust? I had a friend tell me the difference between faith and trust one time. Say I go to Niagra Falls, and the world's greatest tightrope walker is there, and he has stretched a line from one side of the falls to the other. He is planning on walking across pushing a wheel barrel. He says, "Randy, do you think I can push this wheel barrel all the way across the falls without falling"? I say, "Yes, I know you can. I've seen you do it before. I have no doubt that you CAN do it". That belief is "Faith". "Trust", is when I get in the wheel barrel, and I'm usually not willing to do that unless this side of the falls are on fire and there are cannibals running towards me.  The Falls symbolize life, and the man pushing the wheel barrel is God. If I'm willing to sit back and let him take me where HE wants me to go, and trust him, then all will be well. God is NOT my copilot. If he is the copilot, that means I'm still flying the plane, and we are going to crash! He doesn't need my help. He wants me to sit back in first class, but even then I still run to the cockpit to make sure we are going somewhere that I think we should.

I'm going to break for a bit. I'll write some more when I get home from taekwondo!

I'm going to post this now because I'm totally exhausted and will probably go to bed early. I would watch the Republican debate for comedic value, but if I'm going to watch a couple of lying scoundrels, I might as well turn on Jerry Springer..........NOT! Thanks for everything all. Becka is going to start Iron therapy tomorrow. Hopefully that will increase her appetite and give her energy. She needs it! God Bless you all and again, thanks so much for everything.

Day Fifty Two

It's Wednesday! Half way done with the week. The weather today has been absolutely beautiful. It was sunny all day and in the high sixties. It's easier to go to work when I can take my jacket off and enjoy it! I ran quite a bit all over the place catching calls, and my leg hasn't hurt me a single time! I get sciatica because of a couple of bad disks, and I usually have to get steroid epidurals, but ever since I had acupuncture the other day, I haven't hurt a single time. I'm glad because there is no way I could have back surgery right now. Becka needs me to go out every day, kill something, and drag it home for supper, figuratively speaking. One of these days I'll have it fixed permanently after she's well and in remission. I have so much to do and I've been stressing about all of it, and at times like that it seems I can't get anything done, so I've decided to take one task at a time and complete it before undertaking another one, kind of like how we are trying to live our lives, one day at a time.

I've been listening to a study on the book of Job by Dr John McCarthur. If I start to feel sorry for myself, or think that God isn't with us, all I have to remember is what Job went through, and he never lost his faith, not even after his family and everything he had were gone. I still have my savior, my family, my job, my home, my dogs, and taekwondo. What else is there? I've been living in fear ever since Becka was diagnosed, and even though I know that I'll be scared until she is well, I need to act as if God is going to heal her. I need to give him praise for everything no matter what the circumstances.

My sweet precious wife is feeling better today. She was extremely sick last night which is scary by itself. She tends to pass out when she is throwing up. She was walking through the house one night and got sick, lost consciousness, and took out a chunk of the wall. Her head hit the corner and she had a goose egg for a month. She's not only gorgeous, she's TOUGH!

I'm heading out the door to see some friends of ours test for higher belts in taekwondo. I'll finish this when I get home.

Everyone is in bed but me. I can finally calm down now. I just finished putting together a package for the "Lion's Pride" organization. They are a wonderful group that help people and I'm sending them a file the size of an IRS audit. My boss guided me towards them and anything they will do I'm grateful for. Let me say, if it weren't for family, we wouldn't have made it this far, Spiritually, Emotionally, and Financially. Both of our families have reached out and sacrificed for us, and I pray that one day I'm in a situation where I can give back to them. When I say our entire lives have changed, I mean it. I know that things will do an about face when Becka is well again, but for now, all I care about is her getting well. Six months ago, we were making plans for the future, discussing our goals and dreams, thinking about buying Becka a newer car. Today, ALL of those goals, hopes, and dreams have been put to the side and only one exists, and that's for her to be cancer free. We have everything we need for now, and that is ALL I want.

 Becka is sick again tonight, but there is goooooood news! She has been coughing. YES that's good news! She's coughing because she is taking deeper breaths, which means that she's using more of her lungs, which TO ME means that the TUMOR IS SHRINKING! I know that's what it is. PLEASE GOD let that be what it is. I'll do anything, no matter what it takes. You know, that's what tears me up so badly sometimes about this situation, my powerlessness. The fear that comes with being completely powerless over something. The fact is, there is only one thing I can do. I can stand with my wife before God and have faith in him, trust in his plan, and be as happy as I can. Life will be good again, when the fear is gone.

I'm going to bed. Thanks so much to all of you and God Bless! See you tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel!

Day Fifty One

It's Tuesday night and I'm dragging along. Today was very productive but exhausting. I worked all day and Debbie took Becka to the doctor. The good news is that her blood count was normal! That surprised me because of how rotten she's been feeling the past few days. I would give one of my kidneys and half of my liver for her to not be sick just one day. She didn't eat anything tonight because she's nauseated. I did manage to get her to keep some emetrol down, but nothing sounds good to her. Debbie is cooking a roast tomorrow. I pray that she can eat some of it. She needs it to keep up her strength.

Wow...I just sat here and fell asleep at the computer. (I'm glad we weren't talking in person), lol. Andrew and I went to Taekwondo tonight and had a very good workout. My goal is to lose twenty five pounds by June and compete in a tournament. We will see how that goes. It's no problem as long as I don't get injured!

I'm going to have to make this short tonight. Becka is going to bed and I'm going with her. I'll write some more tomorrow. Peace be with you and God Bless you in all you do!

Day Fifty

Monday and I think if it rains anymore I may build an ark. I went to the doctor today and got rid of the pain in my leg. I get acupuncture and I can testify that it works! My sciatica has been killing me for a week, and I'm sitting here not feeling any pain right now. I recommend it to everyone who isn't afraid of having a dozen or so needles stuck in you at the same time! What's really cool is the fact that he hooks electrodes to them and contracts my muscles. It's a little much at first but when my muscles relax, the pain is gone!

When I got home from work, Becka was laying down, but Debbie said that she's had a good day. Debbie is cooking supper and I just gave the kids a lesson on how to use the fire extinguisher I brought home. I reminded them that if there ever is a fire, it's better to jump out a second story window and break both legs than to burn up, so we are going to practice this weekend. They kind of looked at me wild eyed, lol. They think I'm going to throw them out the window. I LOVE having kids. It's our RIGHT to mess with their minds sometimes.

It's starting to smell fantastic in here. Debbie is cooking Jambalaya. I guess I spelled that right because "spell check" didn't underline the word. She's making a cheesy Jambalaya with cream cheese. I don't even like Jambalaya and I can't wait until this is ready! (Life is good). I mean that....life is good! I could sit back and worry all day about Becka, finances, the kids, the future, but that wouldn't do me any good. I'm living one day at a time, the way a certain organization that saved my life taught me how to live. We have everything we need, because God is using people to provide, and I am so grateful. Those aren't just words. There will come a day when Becka and I will be needed, and we will be there, you can take that to the bank. I've never loved my wife as much as I love her today, and I'm sure I will love her more tomorrow, and as far as those who have reached out to us, every gesture, every prayer, everything you do means more than I can say in words. Thank you times a billion!

I'm going to take a break for now. I'll finish this tonight. Peace!

I just got back from taekwondo and the van died. I think it's either the battery or the alternator. I'll fix it tomorrow. Please pray it's something simple. Becka is up and watching TV with Debbie! That's awesome. She's been feeling pretty bad for the last couple of days. I know that she doesn't have an appetite and everything tastes bad, but she has to keep eating and getting protein. I think the Boost drinks are helping, and she eats a lot of citrus, oranges and grapefruits. The day is coming soon I hope when they won't have to pump poison in her body, because she's going to be cancer free.

I'm watching the Republican debate. I haven't talked about it much, but I'm hoping that Rick Santorum is our next president. I really like his values. I care very much about the direction this country is going, but for right now I'll keep my focus here. I'm praying that God will put who he wants in the White House, (but I hope it's Rick).

I'm going to bed. Good night and God Bless all of you! Please keep praying for healing. We have no idea how well the Chemo and the radiation are working. We put our faith in God and ask him to direct the doctors. Please work through them father, and restore her. Please.

Night!

Day Forty Nine

It's Sunday afternoon. Man the weekends go by quick! I'm sitting here watching NFL playoffs. Becka just went to lay down. She's not feeling well today. She's shakey and has vertigo, and she says everything tastes bad. I'm sure it's the Chemo, but Debbie and I will be checking on her. I'm fixing supper tonight. I'm cooking barbecued chicken on the grill and corn on the cob on the other grill. I hope she is able to eat. I made a huge bag of beef jerky hoping that it will taste good to her. This batch is hickory flavor with some added red pepper so it isn't too spicy. She seems to like spicy foods though. She LOVES the spicy flavored V8, and she's been drinking boost. Becka really has been taking very good care of herself and doing what she's supposed to be doing. She drinks a ton of water every day, eats leafy greens and protein. Between the doctors, the medicines, and her, there is no reason why she shouldn't recover. Now it's all up to God, so I'm going to keep praying.

 I was on the radio today. I had to go to work in Greensboro, and I called a show I listen to on Sundays called the "Jesus Christ" show. The pastor told me to read Romans 8:18 every day : "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." I can't tell you why I called in, except that the radio pastor said that if anyone needed prayers, to call. I'm not looking for answers, but I figured that if others heard about Becka, they will pray for her. I know that to be true. I've prayed for people on the spot when I didn't even know them. I pray every time I see a wreck that the people involved will be okay. I want as many people praying for Becka as possible. I wish I could rent a billboard, lol.

She told me tonight when she laid down that she missed our life. I said that I'm not missing anything. She's all I need or want, and this is no burden for me to take care of the woman I love. It's a blessing like no other. I dream of the day that she's well, but not for me so much as it is for her. I just want her to feel good again.

I'm going to take a break. I'll write some more in a bit.

We just finished supper. I cooked barbecue chicken on one grill and roasted corn on the cob on the other grill. It turned out really good! I soaked the corn for an hour then let the grill steam it. We also cooked rice and banana pudding for desert. Beck got up to eat thank the Lord. We are watching the NFC championship game between the Forty Niners and the Giants, only because she insists, lol. (Becka doesn't like football). I'm fixing to go watch it in the other room while I clean up and put clothes away. Debbie is cleaning the kitchen. I hope and pray that Becka feels better tomorrow. Please join me in praying for God to send the Spirit to her tonight.

She has her next chemo treatment next Tuesday. I'll be there with her and Debbie. I only have a couple more vacation days, so I'll have to work some Saturdays to make up for it. I am so blessed to work for a company that lets me do that. God knows exactly what he is doing.

I'm calling it a night and unplugging. I have a bunch to do before I go to bed. If you are reading this, thank you. Thanks so much for your prayers and well wishes. This experience has changed our entire lives. Even after Becka goes in to remission, I will still live in fear that the cancer will come back one day. If not, then all will be well, but if it does, we will fight it with everything we have, just like we are doing now. I'm so glad that Becka is so strong. She IS going to make it. There is no "if".

Take care and God Bless!