Day 218

It's Tuesday night and my gut is hurting and my heart is pounding. I'll tell you why later, but there are so many things to worry about I can't keep up. I'm so afraid of everything today, and it seems, every day now. Paralyzing fear is a regular part of my life. I go from emotional outbursts to panic attacks during the day and it feels like my heart is going to bust out of my chest. I definitely need counseling. I feel like I finally got a normal life and a family after all of these years, and it's being taken away from me. I just want to slap myself and yell "Man Up". A friend of mine told me today that I was a "rock". I'm more like a duck on a pond. Above water all you see is calm, but below the water is chaos. I want so much to be at peace, but tonight I'm angry and resentful. More will be revealed, but I can tell you this. I'm not the kind of guy that goes down without a fight, and apparently neither is my wife. She's sleeping on the couch right now. I'm fixing to go put her to bed for the night and pray she is okay all night. I don't need any added stress, although some feel like I do. I'm going to pray for those people, and walk away from them. The only thing that matters right now is my Baby. Her happiness is my only goal in life right now.


We will get through this as a family, because that's what we are. I've been here at ground zero from the start, doing what I feel like was my part because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. This is the only life I ever wanted, and I will fight for it until there is no breath in my lungs. You can take that to the bank. One side note, I'm looking for a target right now, so this isn't a good time to find out whether or not I will snap. I'm sorry if I sound mad, but it's because I am.


I have a lot of paperwork to do tonight, so God Bless and sweet dreams. I'm going to put my anger to the side and love on my Angel until I can't stay awake anymore. Please keep praying, and I know you will, because all of you care, and I love each and every one of you.

Day 217

It's Monday night I think. I worked fourteen hours today. It was a very productive day though, and I got to see my Uncle Kirk. He always has a way of picking me up. It looks like it's going to storm so I'm going to write this fast because I'm outside on the deck. Becka has had a good day. Ruth is taking very good care of her. She went to her radiation today and she is still on the steroids. It's wonderful to have Ruth here for many reasons. She takes fantastic care of Becka and the kids, and she calms me when I'm camping out in my head. We are all in this together, that much is certain! Ruth cooked a fantastic supper of pork chops and mashed potatoes tonight. I'm going to sleep like a baby, because I'm exhausted. After we got home from the beach yesterday, I got a call from my mother saying that my step brother Daryl was in the hospital. He's on life support and they are keeping his heart beating with drugs. PLEASE keep him in your prayers as well as his father Steve and the rest of the family. Anyone who knows Daryl is aware that he has a heart of gold. I've known him all of my life. Daryl will give you the shirt off of his back and he has always been full of love. The problem is the same with everyone else. He has his demons. We all do, it's just that some are more destructive than others, and Daryl's have always tried to kill him. I'm praying for him to recover quickly. His father is married to my mother, and I've said many times how wonderful of a man Steve is. This is hurting him and everyone pretty severely, so I pray that God lifts him up tonight.


The love of my life is sitting on the couch and she doesn't know I'm watching her. I'm always watching her because she's fun to look at for a heterosexual, alpha male. She's a hottie, that's for sure! I love the pictures that Ruth posted on my blog. She worked on it this morning, and maybe you will be able to tell how good of a time we had through them. Sometimes pictures can be deceiving, but not these. This beach trip was so full of love and memories, and I will treasure it for the rest of my life.


I'm going to bed because it's going to be a long day tomorrow. Becka has her Aredia treatment in the morning as well as labs, and then she has radiation in the afternoon. I'm getting off of work early to pick her and Ruth up so we can go to the lawyer's office for legal stuff, then we are meeting with the kid's Dad and stepmom, and maybe we can go to taekwondo tomorrow night. Like I said, a long day.


God Bless and keep those prayers coming please! We need theme and so does Daryl. I'm going to bed with a gorgeous, beautiful Angel, right after I tell her how gorgeous and beautiful she is! Sweet Dreams!

Beach Trip in Pictures!

 

Hi all, This is Ruth, Becka's Sister. I told Randy that I would upload pictures from our beach trip for you all to enjoy. This first picture is of a necklace that a friend of mine made for Becka that she loves. It got here the day before we left for the beach & she rarely took it off. Just one of the many little surprises of this weekend.

 I love this picture of Becka! She's so beautiful! We had some fun picking out this hat & then Randy got the man to sale it to him for 1/2 price! She's eating a pineapple from the HUGE fruit basket that her friend Andrea sent to the hotel for her. All the fruit was delicious! Her friend Vicki sent a basket of daisies, Becka's favorite flower, to the hotel too. :)

If you know Becka, then you will know how much she dislikes grammar mistakes. :) This sign was on the elevator doors at the hotel where we stayed & guess which floor we were on...yeah, the FOURTH. Did you notice the misspelled word? :) Thankfully, the note was wrong. It did stop on the fourth...it just got stuck there. Thankfully, Randy figured out it was because it wasn't closing right.

 

Becka & Autumn! Two beautiful gals! :) 

Enjoying the chairs & beach umbrella that Randy rented for the day.

Aren't they cute?

 

My beautiful sis! Love this picture! 

 Sunrise walk!

Randy created a monster! Boogie Board Boy! :) 

Love my sister! Sunrise!

 Then the best part of the trip for Becka...attending the Medieval Times Dinner & Theater! I can't tell you guys how much sis enjoyed this evening! Just see her smile! That tells you everything. It was fantastic!

Amy, Becka's friend from Chattanooga, drove all the way up from Chattanooga to spend the weekend with us & she & her boyfriend attended the Medieval Times dinner with us. J:)

At table ! :) They served us Garlic Bread with Tomato Soup that was homemade. It was delish! Then we had half a chicken that was one of the best chickens I have ever eaten. They also served potato wedges & ribs with the chicken. Finally, we had an apple pastry for dessert. Dessert wasn't that great, but the rest was yummy!

If you know Becka, then you know how much she loves horses! This white horse from Spain opened the show & it was beautiful! Her favorite. 

*A beautiful moment ~ As we left the Medieval Times Dinner, a man who was also bald came up to Becka & said, "You have cancer also?" Then gave her a hug & said, "I love you". It was such a sweet, beautiful moment! Kindred spirits in this hard battle called cancer.  

Final morning at the beach. Becka is holding a flower that Andrew caught for her during the Medieval Times Dinner! "Our" knight threw it our way & he was sure to get it for his mom. So sweet!

So much in love! I thank the Lord all the time for bringing this wonderful man into my sister's life! He loves Becka so well & takes care of her so lovingly. We are truly blessed to have Randy in our lives. He's a great stepdad to the kids too.

Day 216

It's Sunday night and we are home. We had a fantastic beach trip, mainly because Becka had a good time. It meant the world to me for us to be there, because Myrtle Beach South Carolina is where Becka and I honeymooned. The memories are powerful in my mind, and painful at the same time. Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were walking down the aisle. Now we are facing this together, and my heart is confused. I've never been so full of love, and so full of sorrow at the same time. At any given minute, I'm laughing my head off, and crying uncontrollably the next minute. I feel so useless and helpless. I want her to get well so badly, and there is nothing I can do about it except stay by her side, which is exactly what I'm going to do. Becka has an appointment with one of the best specialists dealing with brain cancer in the State Thursday. We are praying hard that he will give us some type of alternative solution like a clinical trial that she can be a part of. I am trying my best to stay in today. Every second together counts. I'm also trying not to grieve, because even though she's hurt, she's still right here. I stay up at night just to listen to her breathe, I watch her from across the room, and I touch her every time she's in arm's reach. All that matters is right now at this moment. There is absolutely nothing I can do about tomorrow or yesterday, but for right now, my sweet wife has her feet in my lap, asleep on the couch.


 I've never hurt his badly, ever, so I don't even want to think about hurting any worse, but I'll tell you this. No matter how much this has torn my heart out all the way to my soul, if I had known it was going to happen, I would still be right here beside of her. The years we have spent together have been the best of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. No amount of pain could have kept me from her. She's my soul mate, through and through. I'll never understand what she saw in me, but today she sees the love in my heart through my eyes, my words, and my actions. She knows how much I love her, but she will never truly know how I feel about her, because I can't express it in words. 


I've been trying my best to be mad at God. Not consciously, but I don't understand this. I'm not so presumptuous that I would second guess God's will, but usually during the day, there are times when I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and punching something. I can't be mad at God though, because I know three things. He loves Becka more than I do. He didn't give her cancer, and I'm going to need him to survive this and be sane. I'm reading from the book of Psalms right now. The pastor that married us called me tonight. He's an incredible friend, and he's coming by this week to pray with us and counsel us as well. I love him very much.


I'm headed to the hospital. My Stepbrother is there and they just called and said for us to come. He has been on a respirator. He's my age. Unreal. This has been some year I tell you.


God Bless and I will post every day from now on. I didn't have WIFI at the beach, and I wanted to spend it with Becka, Ruth, and the kids anyway. Same time tomorrow and I love you all.

Day 215

It's Saturday and this is going to be short. We are at McDonalds in Myrtle Beach using the WIFI because the hotel's isn't working. Becka is having a fantastic time. We are going to "Medieval Times" today, and the rest of the day will be on the beach! God Bless and I will update the entire trip when I get back on Sunday! Much Love!

Day 213

It's Thursday night and I just got home. I had to run to work for a bit, and I took Autumn to practice driving. She starts driver's education on Monday, and I've been working with her for a while now, so she will have a leg up! She's very good. I'm glad this day is almost over. My head is fixing to come off. The physiology of the human body is amazing. I've found that when I laugh, I feel better, but when I cry for days on end like I have been doing, I hurt all over. I made the decision that I'm not going to grieve anymore. There is nothing to grieve. A wise old friend once told me that I needed to cease the deliberate manufacture of misery. That definitely applies here. Tomorrow after radiation, we are taking my gorgeous wife to the beach, and we are going to have fun! God Bless Becka's brother David and his wife Sue, and her two sisters Ruth and Debbie for making this possible. Also, God Bless everyone who helped out with this trip. It seems everyone is chipping in. I can't tell you what it means for Becka to be able to feel the sand between her toes, smell the ocean air, and walk in the water on the beach with the kids. This trip means more than any other ever has. I only wish that the whole family could be there. I'm praying that one or more of her friends will show up, but I know that a lot of you are on your way to North Carolina. Please get here soon and safely! All are welcome, and the more people we have the better. She needs the support, and so do we.




We made Becka an appointment with one of the top doctors at Baptist Hospital concerning brain cancer. We are taking her Thursday afternoon and they are transferring all of her records. We are pursuing every avenue available. This is a fight we aren't going to lose gracefully. Her doctor today was very pleased with her progress since last week. Her speech is better as well as her gait. The steroids are working, so he doesn't think there was any brain damage! He thinks there was swelling, so she is okay for now. They are still giving her radiation every day, so please keep praying. I know that I don't have to say that, but I need to write it, if you know what I mean.


I will be updating my blog every day from the beach, and we will have TONS of pictures to post and make albums out of. My computer is acting up, so I'm going to go ahead and post this quick. God Bless and thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

Day 212

It's the Fourth of July, Wednesday night, and we just got home from a great fireworks show. The Town of Lewisville always goes all out on it's fireworks. Becka, Ruth, and the kids enjoyed it! Today has been a very emotional day. This experience has changed me forever. I need to go back to yesterday. I was at work, and Becka's doctor called me. He is the Radiology Oncologist that has given Beck all of her radiation treatments. He told me in a loving way that there wasn't anything else they could do for Becka. The first round of radiation she had were "targeted" at her tumors. This round isn't. They are merely showering her brain with radiation to keep the tumors from spreading as quickly.  He gave me a time frame as to how long he thinks she will live. I fell down on my knees in pain and couldn't breathe. 


When I gained my composure, I called Becka's sister Ruth. At first, we weren't going to tell her what the doctor said. He told me that he never tells his patients what he told me, but he thought I should know. I love the man, and I completely understand his reasoning. I carried that with me home, and all night it was on my heart, then I woke up this morning after sleeping about an hour last night, and went to work. I called a couple of friends including a pastor friend of mine, and they all agreed that I should tell her what the doctor said. There were so many reasons to tell her that I can't count them, and only one reason not to-my fear. Becka needs to be in on the decision making process. She needs to know what she is facing, and if she has unresolved issues, then she has time to make them right. So I called Ruth and she agreed. I came home and we had breakfast. Ruth cooked omelets, and then we sat down and told her. I can't describe the emotions. There aren't words and I'm not going to try. That amount of grief shouldn't exist. After we gained our composure, we made the decision to tell the kids, so we did. We all cried together as a family, then I did what I'm supposed to do as the man of the house. I told them all that we don't need to grieve right now, because there is nothing to grieve yet. We still have her here. We can still hug and kiss her, tell her we love her, and be the family we have always been. I'm not going to act like she's gone, because she isn't, and we would only be wasting the time we have left. We are all going to the beach Friday. Becka's family paid for the trip, and I can't say thank you enough. There are people coming from all over to see her, and we need as much comfort and support as we can get. I've said before and I'll say again, Becka is beloved. I told the kids that nothing they feel or say is wrong, and to be open with everything so we can help them. They need to be able to express their feelings, and no one can tell them how they should feel. We are going to get through this together.


We have not given up. We are taking Becka to Wake Forest Physicians, Baptist Medical Center Oncology, and we are sending all of her records to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston Tx for review. If either of them say they can treat her, I'll do whatever it takes. We all will. This family is tight, and we are all on the same page. Becka's sisters are incredible, and we are in agreement on everything. She is willing to fight to the end, and so are we. If they think they can help her in Texas, we will be on a plane tomorrow. All that matters to me right now is for her to live as long as possible, and for the kids to be okay. I'm sure one day that I will fall completely apart, but not right now while there is still hope. God knows my heart, and I'm giving it all to him, so whatever happens, I will give him the Glory through it all, no matter what.


I'm going to bed so that I can get up during the night and check on her. If you love someone, hold them tight tonight and tell them how you feel before it's too late. One thing is certain. Becka knows how I feel about her. I have no regrets. These past four years have been the best of my life, and I want forty more. Only time will tell, but just for today, I have the love of my life, my soulmate, and the object of my affection, right by my side. I'm going to make the best of today, and pray that I can have it again tomorrow.


Good night and God Bless!

Day 211

It's Tuesday night and I'm on the back porch, thinking about the right words. There are things I want to say on here tonight and I can't. Not yet anyway. The feelings and emotions running through me are paralyzing and they fill me with fear, but I have to hold it together right now. I want to start out by saying thank you to those who donated to the cause. It is very much appreciated! God Bless you and it won't be forgotten.


I'm having trouble gathering my thoughts right now. All will be made clear some day, but right now it's like I'm looking out of a bubble. Our friends Joel and Fern brought their new baby daughter over and I held her tonight. That helped a bunch. I can see the face of God when I look in the eyes of a newly born child. The innocence and frailty make them so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me guys! I needed it.


I'm not sure where life is taking us from here, because it's all in God's hands. I'm just along for the ride. I know all about his infinite wisdom and his grand plan, but I just can't see it right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to, or maybe I'm not looking at it correctly. Either way, nothing makes sense to me right now, and even though I'm mad at God, I need him more than ever. Kind of an Oxymoron. 


I'm going to try and lay down. Becka is doing well tonight, even though her arm is hurting her. I'm fixing to put her to bed. God Bless and thank you for standing with us. I know that I need every last one of you, and I always will.

Day 210

It's Monday night and this day has flown by. I worked twelve hours today, trying to catch up, but I never will. That's the beauty of it! It's called "job security". I'm working with another mechanic all this week because he wrecked his truck. 


Becka is doing much better. She's very tired from the radiation, but her speech is normal now, and hopefully she will be able to relax. Last night in bed, I watched her for a long time. She has spasms in her sleep which concern me, but she's okay for now. I'm praying all day and night, so I know God hears me. I love her so very much. She's my heart and soul, and she has made me in to the man I am today. Everything I do is to better her life, so I hope I'm succeeding. She has radiation every day except Wednesday for the Fourth of July, and then next week for a couple of days. Ruth is taking her to her appointments, and her just being here is comforting to me. I know now that we don't have to go through this alone. Becka is much stronger than I am. She has the will to live like no other, and her faith in God is strong. This cancer is trying it's best to get her, but we aren't going to go out without a fight. 


We are still checking on the Cancer Treatment Center, and Ruth found a center in Houston Texas called the "Burzinski Center". They have a great success rate and they treat with genetics using a side effect free treatment. We are keeping all of our options open, but that sounds like a good one! 


I'm very tired and I need to eat something. God Bless and I don't have to ask you to keep praying, but I will anyway. Your prayers mean so much. Ruth put a "Donate" button on my page for me, for those of you who asked for it. Thank you for your generosity. I won't forget it, that much is certain.


Sweet Dreams, and if you have sweet dreams, please tell me about them. Mine aren't very good right now. The enemy is attacking me with fear and sorrow, but I'm keeping my head up and doing what I need to do to get through this. It will all be okay, and we will laugh again, one day.

Day 209

It's Sunday night and my heart is okay now. I just got off of the phone with Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We are going to get Becka in. She will either be going to the Philadelphia location or the Chicago location, but either way, it's a "win win". They want her to finish her radiation first, but then she and I will be flying out to meet and greet. They pay for everything, the air fare, hotel, meals, etc. The big thing is that they have an eighty percent success rate. We are going to do anything we can to save Becka's life, no matter what it takes. Both of the people on the phone said they would be praying for her. That was all I needed to hear. Looks like a road trip! 


Ruth is here! I'm so glad. She's such a great sister, and now I can concentrate on work a little. Becka's parents are making arrangements to come soon, and hopefully her sister Debbie will as well. Becka is beloved by all who know her, and I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm truly blessed to have such a gorgeous, wonderful, fighter for a wife. She's tougher than anyone I've ever met. Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Becka, and the Boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris!


I feel better about the situation. All gears are turning and we are going to win this one. God is good and merciful, and he will guide us! I think he is guiding us right now. Cancer Centers will save her, so that is where we are going. 


I just put her to bed, and I'm going myself soon. God Bless and good night. Please keep the prayers coming!