Day 157

Thursday night and it's business as usual. I just got home from class with Andrew. I was so proud of him in the tournament the other day, and he has a concert tomorrow at school. The kid is fantastic with his violin! I got home from work today and cooked supper. We had some fantastic sausage sandwiches that I cooked on the grill. The kids chowed down, and Becka ate a portion of one. I also cut her some watermelon, which she could live on. It's been a rough day for her. She's been taking her anti-nausea medicine all day, and her body is hurting all over. She was nodding out on the couch, so I just put her to bed. I cranked up the bed warmer to nine before I left for class, so she's as snug as a bug. She took two pain pills, one before I left, and one just now, so I pray she sleeps all night. I can't believe this is almost over! She has about five hairs growing on the back of her head! We were so excited when we found them! I just hope this round of chemo doesn't make them fall out, but even so, her hair is going to come back thick! They said it may come back straight and could even be a different color. It's all good, as long as it comes back. I don't care, but I know she wants it. (If it comes back blonde, we are dying it). No offense to you blondes out there, but I really dig my hot brunette!

Please God just let her get through this without getting sick. If we can keep the medicines in her, maybe she will be okay. It's usually Monday or Tuesday when the effects start going away, so we will see. Either way, it's over for now. Praise God in all his glory! My Baby can feel good again! She has fought so hard for so long it seems. Even before she found out about the cancer, she went through so much, and eventually had to have a hysterectomy. She's been sick for a very long time, and through it all, found the time to love all of us. She really is a remarkable woman. I will never ever know what she saw in me. It had to be God touching her heart. I only pray that I've done all that I could do to enrich her life the way she has mine. She makes me a better man every day just by loving me. She is a true Proverbs 31 woman!

I'm going to chow down and then go to bed. God Bless all of you from the bottom of my heart! The "Good Time" train has left the station, and we are on board! It's going to be a great ride!

Day 156

It's Wednesday night and I'm finally sitting down! I haven't been home from work very long. I had to work late because I was helping another technician in one of his stores. I got a late start this morning because I woke up sick. I was up most of the night with stomach stuff and I couldn't breath this morning. I think I have the same thing the kids have had for a few days. I felt better as the day went on. Becka is feeling okay but she's wiped out. She will be for about a week. I just pray that she gets through this round without nausea, but they filled her up with stuff since it was her last one, so we are prepared. I had her anti-nausea medicine refilled last night and she is going to take it proactively. In a few days, it will all be over!

For months, I have been trying to create a chronological record of what she has been going through. Now I'm going to shift gears and report on her progress! We have so much to look forward to now! She's going to start feeling better at first, then her energy will return. We will help that with good food and vitamins. She can start exercising as well to build up her muscles, and of course, she will grow hair! I KNOW she wants to have hair again. She has a gorgeous head, but she should have a great head of hair by the time winter gets here. Another thing that will return is her appetite. It has already to some extent, but she will be able to enjoy food like she used to be able to. She will have more freedom to go places and make plans for the future, and we definitely have plans.

I guess the thing we won't miss the most is fear. A lot of that has been removed. We don't live in terror like we did at the start, but it's still there, and it will be until she has her scan in about a month. When she is cancer free, that will be when I sleep all night. That will be when I don't have panic attacks anymore. That will be when I can take a full breath and not feel like throwing up. Fear will be replaced with serenity.

 I love my wife so very much! I love my in-laws too. Becka's sisters are both incredible women of faith who walk the walk. They are the same people on Saturday night that they are on Sunday morning. They get it from their parents who are two of the most devoted people on the planet. Becka's Father and Mother are beyond reproach. There isn't anything negative to say about them. Her brother is a devoted, caring father and husband who loves his family and God. I really am crazy about the whole family, and they have embraced me as a part of the family. I consider it an honor!

The life I want is what I have, and freedom is right around the corner. Freedom to take Becka places, do things together, and make new memories that will replace the bad ones of the past. It's almost here! God is good, so very good!

I'm going to get her to bed. God Bless and thanks so much as always! Our Journey is changing, and the promised land is in sight! See you tomorrow!

Day 155

It's Tuesday and the start of a new journey! Today was Becka's last chemotherapy treatment. She still has to go back for her Aridia treatments and for a Pet scan, but now she can recover, grow hair, have more energy, and relax! It was a long day. I went and got lunch for us and we spent the day together at the hospital. She said that she has mixed feelings. She's glad that the treatments are over for now, but she's going to miss the comfort of knowing that they are giving her what she needs to survive. Today, a man and his wife were sitting beside of us for his first treatment. He has lymphoma and we could tell that he is scared. Becka shared with him how far she's gone and it took a load off of his mind. The initial diagnosis is terrifying, but after the results that Becka got, the fear goes away because we realized that God has future plans for her. With Becka's personality, she's going to be able to ease a lot of scared minds at the Cancer Center. I bought us matching shirts today from the Center's gift shop that say "Cancer Sucks". EVERYONE wanted one!

This journey will never end, but thank the Lord it changes. There is no finish line, there is only today, because that is all we ever have anyway. No one is promised tomorrow, so tonight we are celebrating! She will have to go through a few days of feeling bad, but after that it's all good! Thank you so much for walking with us. We STILL need all of the support we can get. Please keep praying and hoping, and praising God for answering our prayers! He has absolutely come through with flying colors!

I'll keep writing and updating! Good night and God Bless!

Day 154

It's Monday night, or what I would like to call, the day before the end. Tomorrow is the end of suffering, sickness, misery, pain, and trials. Becka has gone through all of those and more, and she has done so with grace and dignity, never letting anyone really know how bad she was feeling. She's fought for her life because it's worth fighting for. So many  people have walked with us through this in so many ways. The only way I know to express our gratitude is to live the best life we can and help others along the way. I was once a hopeless drug addict, and now I'm a drugless hope addict! Life has more meaning tonight than it ever has before. I remember way back in my blog I said that all I wanted was time. More time to spend with the love of my life, and God heard me cry out to him. He also heard all of you, and boy did he deliver! Tomorrow will come and go. She may or may not get sick, but after that it's all uphill from there! Life will never be normal again. We have bonded too closely for it to be just a "marriage". We have something that I didn't think existed, and I know I would never have found it anywhere else. We are truly one, a kindred spirit. I know it sounds like a cliche', but that's only because I can't truly express it in words. I will die in her arms one day, that is my wish!

I'm watching her through the window and she's zoning out, so I'd better go put her to bed. We have to be at the hospital in the morning, so I'll post and let you know how it goes. Good night and God Bless! I pray that all of you find what I have in Becka. I thank God so much for the "time" he has given us. I plan to make the most of it!

Day 153

It's Sunday night and all is well. This weekend has flown by. Right now, Becka is watching "The Amazing Race" and eating a salad, but she's been hurting all day so we will probably turn in early. Today has been a day of reflection for me. I've been thinking about what we've been through together and it seems surreal. We all went out to breakfast together this morning. The ONLY way to get the kids up early on Sunday is either Church or food. I'll be glad when Becka feels like sitting through a sermon again. I miss going to church and being a part of a church family. It keeps me on track because it makes me accountable. Her hips and back have been killing her, and yesterday at the tournament didn't help. I was apparently exhausted, because today we went to the park for a little while and played volleyball, then we came back here and I told Becka I was going to take a short nap. She woke me up two and a half hours later. I feel like we are coming to the end of a long journey. I hope it's the end, so we can begin another one. I've never experienced so many emotions before without medicating them away. It's been a growing experience for me, that much is certain.

At this moment I know for sure without any doubt that I've never loved another human being as much as I love Becka. The thought of living life without her was torturing me, and watching her go through this has been agonizing, but God has answered all of our prayers and he is restoring her to health. I think of her friend in Tennessee who got hit by a car walking across the road right before Christmas two years ago. She was killed instantly. Her husband and children were devastated.  They never got to say goodbye, and I wonder if he told her he loved her before she left that morning. Memories like that are what make me tell Becka how much I love her every day. If I don't come home from work tomorrow, I don't want there to be any doubt in her mind about my feelings for her.This life is incredibly short. I know that now. When I was twenty, I never considered it. We thought we would be here forever, but now that I'm forty four, I realize that I'm probably closer to death than birth, so I'm going to try and make the best of every day. God's timing is impeccable. He put me here when I was ready and gave me the best life I could ever imagine. I'm so very grateful to him. He loves me so much more than I love myself. I don't even like myself most of the time, but I'm working on it.

God Bless you all and please keep praying. She's getting better but she's not out of the woods yet. Her last chemo treatment is Tuesday. The doctors say it will probably be the worst, but after that, she can grow hair again, enjoy food again, and start to really live again. That's our goal, for her to go through one day and not think about cancer at all!

Sweet dreams and same time tomorrow!

Day 152

It's Saturday night and we are beat. We had a fantastic day though. We spent all day in a very hot gymnasium at our taekwondo tournament. Every muscle in my body is hurting. Becka is pretty sore as well. The tournament went fantastic. Andrew was phenomenal. He's won seven medals now. His form was spot on, he broke his board clean, and then came the sparring. Andrew went up against a young man who was bigger than Andrew and obviously had more experience sparring. Andrew and I had a game plan and it was working great until the other kid kicked Andrew in the jaw. Head shots are prohibited so he got a warning, but then just a few seconds later, he nailed Andrew in the groin. Andrew was hurt so they gave him a timeout and I ran over to talk to him. He got up and was going to finish the fight, and then the kid kicked him in the groin again. It was over at that point. He was going to continue, but I stopped it. I could tell that he was in a lot of pain, so I told him he didn't have anything else to prove and we were proud of him. He will heal, train some more, (and one day knock that kid out).

We got to see three of our instructors become Masters! They are all incredible people. The dedication involved and the commitment it takes to become a Master in Korean Taekwondo is unparalleled.

Everyone was very glad to see Becka! We stayed long enough for me to compete in form, then we left. I took second, and there were more than two people competing, so I'm pretty happy with that! Becka is hurting, so she's going to take a pain pill and go to bed. Life is so good right now! I'm grateful beyond words. Tomorrow is a day of rest and cleaning, so I'll write some more then! God Bless and goodnight!

Day 151

Friday night! It's late but we just got home. We went to a little festival in Kernersville and had a great time! SO many people came up to Becka. One lady even offered to clean our house for free! Becka is a walking miracle, and I think people know that. She's doing great tonight even though we walked quite a ways. She ate a roasted corn on the cob. I had pizza, and Andrew had a blooming onion. Autumn didn't want to go. She missed out because we had a blast! There were all kinds of crafts and booths, and they had rides and games for the kids. Becka did great and she had a good time, but she's hurting now and just took a pain pill, so we are going to bed. I'm going with her because it's going to be a very long day tomorrow. Our Taekwondo tournament is in High Point, and we have to leave here at nine. We are driving two cars so that Becka can leave if she needs to.

God has answered all of our prayers, ever single one so far. He is taking care of us and I have no reason to believe that he's going to stop. He works through all of you, so thank you for opening your hearts and sacrificing the way you have. We really do appreciate it! God Bless you abundantly!

Will try to write a little sooner tomorrow.

Day 150

It's Thursday night and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I was on top of a building all day and I'm still sweating. I came home and laid down again, even though I slept all night. I seem to get more tired every day for some reason. I wasn't going to taekwondo, but we are in a tournament this Saturday and I needed the practice. I think I need a good vitamin regimen. Or maybe I should just act my age, but I don't want to. I'm not ready for the rocking chair just yet. I'm going to bed in a few.

Becka is feeling better but she's still in pain. She's obviously done something bad to her back and she can't get comfortable. She may have over did it as of late. Right now she's very happy because she's talking to a friend who she adores. Becka loves all of her friends, but Jen is special to her. I think they would find something to talk about on the phone until tomorrow some time. It occurred to me today that I don't have a sense of impending doom anymore. We have an abundance of hope now. Becka has fought the hard fight and she's winning. Now it's time to reap the benefits. Life can finally return to normal, for now anyway!

It's been a very long day, so I'm going to bed. God Bless and I'll see you tomorrow, I hope!

Day 149

It's Wednesday night and I'm running a little late. I just finished cleaning the kitchen because Becka cooked. She made a fabulous chicken and pasta dish, and some corn on the cob. It's been a rough day though. I woke up all night last night from bad dreams and various pains, so when I got home from work I was exhausted, and the minute I walked in the house, my phone rang with an emergency and I had to go back to work. When I got home the second time, I walked in the house, kissed Becka, took off my uniform, and laid down in the bed for a couple of hours. I didn't wake back up until about seven thirty, and here I am. Becka is in a lot of pain tonight, so this is going to be short. The pain is in her side and back, on the left. She's hurting so bad tonight that she took two pain pills and she's already laid down. I'm going to write this and go be with her in case she needs something. She's going to call the doctor in the morning just in case, but we are hoping she's pulled a muscle.

I have to tell you what someone did today. One of the guys that delivers wine to some of my stores brought me something to give Becka. He knows all about what she's been going through, so be brought us a cardboard cut out, (life size), of Jim Valvano. He's riding on top of his player's shoulders and it says, "Never give up, never ever give up", on the top of it. For those of you who might not know who Jim Valvano was, he was the head coach of the NC State basketball team who took his Cinderella team to win the National Championship. Years later he battled cancer and eventually lost, but he gave one of the most famous speeches in all of sports right before he died where he said, Never give up, never ever give up. If you have time, please pull it up on Youtube and listen to the speech. Anyone with cancer will appreciate it. The "Jimmy V" foundation was started and named after him. They raise money for cancer research.

I'm headed to check on her. She's in a great deal of pain. She also took an anti nausea pill just in case. God Bless and sweet dreams!

Day 148

It's Tuesday night and we are winding down for the evening. We are watching the season finale' of "The Biggest Loser". I hope President Obama wins! (I had to say that). This show is life changing. I watch them lose all of this weight and I wonder why it's so hard for me to lose twenty pounds! I guess it's all about something I've never had, which is will power. I think desire has a lot to do with it too. The winner tonight won a quarter of a million dollars for losing two hundred pounds. He deserves it, and he has a new life as well!

Becka is feeling good but her feet and legs are still bothering her. I can't wait to take her to the beach. She's starting to grow hair! I'm sure it will start growing like crazy after she's completely off of chemo. She has a red patch on her leg and we hope it's not because she's allergic to cantaloupe. I bought three of them yesterday and she ate some, and now she's starting to break out. As long as it's not poison Ivy, of which I am EXTREMELY allergic and would end up in total misery if subjected to. The last time I had poison ivy, it covered my body and I had to soak in oatmeal. Time will tell!

Things are good tonight. Life is good, and I'm very grateful. I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Only good things to write about tonight! Be blessed and sleep well!