It's Saturday and things are much better! I think that the antibiotics are kicking in and knocking out the sinus infection because Becka hasn't had a headache today! She's still sick but the throbbing is gone, so I got her out of the house today. We went to a yard sale, then to Lowes and Walmart. She has one more pill for tomorrow, but the doctor said that the antibiotics work for a week after she stops taking them. Tuesday she has Chemotherapy again. We are counting the days until her scan. I thought it was this Tuesday but I was wrong. Her MRI of her brain is on the 26th of this month, but they haven't scheduled the scan of her body.
Thank the Lord she's feeling better though. Walking today will help, and I'm going to get her out of the house tomorrow as well. Her Sister Ruth and her husband Jeff are here! Ruth is staying for three weeks and Jeff is going back home in the morning. I wish he would stay for personal reasons. We need more testosterone in the house...(doing the Tim Taylor Grunt).
I have to go back to work, so this is going to be short tonight. God Bless you all and thank you for your prayers. They are working because she is feeling better! I know it's just one day, but we will take it. I'll try to write some more tonight, but if not, same time tomorrow!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day Ninety Six
Friday night! My Baby and I are watching the Duke / Virginia Tech game. She's SUCH a huge basketball fan....(I hope you can detect the sarcasm). She understands that this is the ACC tournament, and March Madness is in full swing, and she even watched the game with me the other night! I came home from work tonight and cooked supper. We had some steaks in the freezer, so I thawed them for the last couple of days and cooked them on the grill. I also fixed french fries and rolls. She tried her best to eat and everything was fine, then we came in the living room and she called for me while walking towards the bedroom. By the time I got to her she was sick. I held her and she didn't pass out this time, but she was violently sick for a few minutes. I waited until it was over and then got her an anti nausea pill. They seem to work pretty well. She took some sinus medicine earlier to try and open up her head, but all it did was make her feel worse. I'll be glad when the antibiotics start to work.
My Sis-in-law Ruth will be back here tomorrow for three weeks! That will be such a load off. I hate it when she's here by herself. I have to work tomorrow and I'm exhausted, but I'll be able to get forty hours in without taking any of my personal time. I'm going to save it for a long as possible. Becka isn't feeling well, and I have to pick Autumn up at the skating rink at ten thirty, so I'm going to lay down with her for a while. If she can't keep her food down soon, we are going to have to do something else to get her body nourishment. I welcome any suggestions. God Bless you all! Same time tomorrow!
My Sis-in-law Ruth will be back here tomorrow for three weeks! That will be such a load off. I hate it when she's here by herself. I have to work tomorrow and I'm exhausted, but I'll be able to get forty hours in without taking any of my personal time. I'm going to save it for a long as possible. Becka isn't feeling well, and I have to pick Autumn up at the skating rink at ten thirty, so I'm going to lay down with her for a while. If she can't keep her food down soon, we are going to have to do something else to get her body nourishment. I welcome any suggestions. God Bless you all! Same time tomorrow!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day Ninety Five
It's Thursday night and I'm beat. I think every muscle hurts but it's a good hurt. Andrew and I have been training pretty hard and one of our instructors is fixing to be a Master. Needless to say he's an incredible teacher and a superb athlete, and a great guy all around. He's been pushing us harder than usual and I need it, but I also need to back off now because I don't want to get hurt. I need to let my forty four year old muscles heal and not try to "hang" with a bunch of young people because it's not going to happen.
Becka is a little better but every time she stands up her head starts hurting from the sinus infection. I pray that the antibiotics kick it out of her in the next day or so. I heard on the news where the ragweed and pollen is already unbearable for people with allergies. That would explain why she feels so lousy, plus she's still not really eating anything. She ate a couple of bites of barbeque tonight that my mother and stepfather bought for us. Her appetite is non existent because nothing tastes good to her except for the jerky I made, so I'll make sure and have plenty on hand. We are counting down to Tuesday. That's when she has her scan and we find out how well the Chemo is doing.
Tonight is a new game plan by the way, and from here on out it will be too. I talked to a friend of mine today that works with me. He is one of the men who led me to Christ. I remember like it was yesterday that I saw him at a Refrigeration supply house one day. I was with my father, and at the time I was lost in sin. My friend Dean told me that I needed Jesus Christ. This was after I told a horrible joke to everyone in the room. I laughed and shrugged it off. I was always intimidated by Christians who would publicly talk about Jesus. That was because I was running with Satan and he owned me at the time, and the devil runs from the name of the Savior. That was twenty years ago or more, but Dean didn't give up on me. I went with him to church one Sunday because my life had all but ended. I was completely empty inside and really just wanted to die, but I remember him taking me to the alter and people praying for me, and I knew at that moment that I would never be the same again. I believed right then in Jesus, and I've believed ever since, so I guess you could say that I owe him my life, and I've told him that several times. Dean asked me today if I had taken authority over Becka's cancer yet and ordered it to be out of her. I knew immediately what he was talking about, but I've been so wrapped up in fear and sorrow that I forgot to do what the Bible says to do.
Christ paid the price for sin on the cross, and when he said "It is finished", he meant it. He told the disciples to go in to all of the nations, preach the gospel, and heal the sick. He didn't say to pray for healing, he said to HEAL them. I am not saying that I have the power to heal. What I am saying is that God DOES, and I'm doing what he said to do from now on. Tonight I held Becka and commanded the cancer to be out of her in the name of Jesus Christ, and it shall be done.
Luke 9:1 Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases. 2 And he sent them to preach the Kingdom of God, and to heal the sick.
We are all his disciples. I know that they were twelve special men, but if I truly believe that God can and will heal Becka, and I do, then I am taking authority over my house and kicking cancer out of it in the name of Jesus Christ. It's that simple. God is either everything or he's nothing. Jesus is either the savior, or he's the biggest nutcase, lying magician in the history of the planet. I believe he is the Messiah, and I believe in the power of God. I happen to be one of his miracles, and Becka is too, she just doesn't know it yet. When the scans come back, the cancer will be all but gone. I can promise you that, and tonight I feel better than I have since the start. I would love to hear your honest opinions on this if you want to post them. Don't hold anything back, and please, please, please keep praying!
Five O'clock comes early so I'm going to bed. God Bless every last one of you. Same time tomorrow!
Becka is a little better but every time she stands up her head starts hurting from the sinus infection. I pray that the antibiotics kick it out of her in the next day or so. I heard on the news where the ragweed and pollen is already unbearable for people with allergies. That would explain why she feels so lousy, plus she's still not really eating anything. She ate a couple of bites of barbeque tonight that my mother and stepfather bought for us. Her appetite is non existent because nothing tastes good to her except for the jerky I made, so I'll make sure and have plenty on hand. We are counting down to Tuesday. That's when she has her scan and we find out how well the Chemo is doing.
Tonight is a new game plan by the way, and from here on out it will be too. I talked to a friend of mine today that works with me. He is one of the men who led me to Christ. I remember like it was yesterday that I saw him at a Refrigeration supply house one day. I was with my father, and at the time I was lost in sin. My friend Dean told me that I needed Jesus Christ. This was after I told a horrible joke to everyone in the room. I laughed and shrugged it off. I was always intimidated by Christians who would publicly talk about Jesus. That was because I was running with Satan and he owned me at the time, and the devil runs from the name of the Savior. That was twenty years ago or more, but Dean didn't give up on me. I went with him to church one Sunday because my life had all but ended. I was completely empty inside and really just wanted to die, but I remember him taking me to the alter and people praying for me, and I knew at that moment that I would never be the same again. I believed right then in Jesus, and I've believed ever since, so I guess you could say that I owe him my life, and I've told him that several times. Dean asked me today if I had taken authority over Becka's cancer yet and ordered it to be out of her. I knew immediately what he was talking about, but I've been so wrapped up in fear and sorrow that I forgot to do what the Bible says to do.
Christ paid the price for sin on the cross, and when he said "It is finished", he meant it. He told the disciples to go in to all of the nations, preach the gospel, and heal the sick. He didn't say to pray for healing, he said to HEAL them. I am not saying that I have the power to heal. What I am saying is that God DOES, and I'm doing what he said to do from now on. Tonight I held Becka and commanded the cancer to be out of her in the name of Jesus Christ, and it shall be done.
Luke 9:1 Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases. 2 And he sent them to preach the Kingdom of God, and to heal the sick.
We are all his disciples. I know that they were twelve special men, but if I truly believe that God can and will heal Becka, and I do, then I am taking authority over my house and kicking cancer out of it in the name of Jesus Christ. It's that simple. God is either everything or he's nothing. Jesus is either the savior, or he's the biggest nutcase, lying magician in the history of the planet. I believe he is the Messiah, and I believe in the power of God. I happen to be one of his miracles, and Becka is too, she just doesn't know it yet. When the scans come back, the cancer will be all but gone. I can promise you that, and tonight I feel better than I have since the start. I would love to hear your honest opinions on this if you want to post them. Don't hold anything back, and please, please, please keep praying!
Five O'clock comes early so I'm going to bed. God Bless every last one of you. Same time tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Day Ninety Four
It's Wednesday night and things are about the same. Becka is on her second day of antibiotics for her sinus infection. I showed her how to cough while blowing air out gently and it's helping her head. We are trying to stay up and watch something on TV, but I don't know if we will make it. It's been a very long day. I worked with my boss and another of my team mates at one of my stores, then I grocery shopped, stopped by Taco Bell for supper, came home and ate a very soggy taco, cleaned up the kitchen, swept and mopped the kitchen and dining room, and now I'm baking cookies and working on my second load of laundry. I'm tired, but it's been a very productive day.
Andrew came downstairs tonight holding a blanket and asked me what kind of bug was on it because it bit him. It turned out to be a deer tick, and it bit a huge hole in his side. I dressed it and marked it on the calendar. We aren't saying too much more about it, but trust me, we know. He will be fine. He's allergic to everything and he's not having any other symptoms. I'm going to change the bandaide myself every day just to make sure. If Rocky Mountain or Lyme should show up, it will be evident, but there is a very small chance of that. I've always been an outdoors guy and I've been bitten by ticks all of my life. Any kid that plays outside will eventually have a tick on them. One day God will tell us why the little vampires were necessary.
I'm sitting on the porch writing this, looking through the glass at my gorgeous wife. She's nodding off. I hope she makes it to ten so that she can see "Face Off". I think it's the finale' tonight. I'm in favor of anything that makes her happy these days. We have monitored her temperature all day and it's been normal, and she's been eating. I got her some more Boosts. She likes them and they keep her energy up. She ate part of a crunchwrap supreme from Taco Bell tonight, and so far so good. I'm having trouble writing this because my elbow is killing me these days. I hate getting old. I'm probably going to have to get cortisone in it, and definitely slow down using it. I'll have to punch with my left a lot more right now until it heals, but I found out when I turned forty that things don't really heal anymore, they just get better or worse.
Tonight my verse to ponder is 2Corinthians verse 5 :For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. Everything good in life comes from God. Today my boss's boss bought us lunch, (try to say that five times fast). We went to a seafood restaurant that Becka and I love, and she was all I could think about. I remember taking her there when she could enjoy her food, and how we brought food home to the kids. I long for those days back when we could jump in the car and go have fun. I know that God is going to give us more days like that. It's all I dream about, taking her somewhere and showing her off, watching her smile, introducing her to people she has never met, experiencing new things together. Life is way too short, I know that now. I've said that all of my life as a cliche'. Now I sit here and say that if we have fifty years left together here, it's not enough for me. She touched me tonight when I sat beside of her on the couch, and all of the love in my soul came to the top. I absolutely adore her, and I refuse to let anything separate me from her. I am right where I belong, and that's why I say that everything good comes from God. He knows what he is doing, and that's why right now, at this very time in human history, I am here. I pray with all of my heart that all of you love someone as much as I love Beck.
God Bless you and sweet dreams. The best days of our lives haven't gotten here yet, and no matter what trials or tribulations are put in our path, we must move forward and not look back.
Good night!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day Ninety Three
It's Tuesday night and I'm almost in bed. I have a searing headache that I've been fighting all day. It's probably stress, lack of sleep, not eating right, and sinus all in one. I think a good night sleep will fix it. Becka had Chemo today. She had her Aridia which only took about an hour. It was only us this time. I took the whole day off because I wasn't feeling good and neither was she. She has had a headache and dizziness for days, and they are pretty sure she has a sinus infection. He blood counts weren't as good today as they have been. The important ones were down, so they put her on a Z pack, (antibiotics). She was also running a low grade fever when we got there. They told me to monitor her temperature and if it got over a hundred, NOT to mask it with Tylenol, but rather call them immediately. I will keep you informed. Please pray for this infection to go away so she will feel better.
Speaking of feeling better, I feel lousy, and the more I look at this screen, the worse my head hurts. Good night and God Bless. I will bring you up to speed more tomorrow.
Speaking of feeling better, I feel lousy, and the more I look at this screen, the worse my head hurts. Good night and God Bless. I will bring you up to speed more tomorrow.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Day Ninety Two
It's Monday I think. I feel like I'm in a bubble. We went to bed last night around ten. The phone woke us up this morning at 2am. The power was completely out at one of my stores, so to make a long story short, I've been up for seventeen hours now. I got up and went to work at 2, finally made it home about 4:45, made some coffee and the kid's lunch, got them out the door and got Becka settled, fixed her some eggs for breakfast, and went back to work. I'm supposed to go to taekwondo in a few. I'm really debating it. I think I'm going to go because I need the workout and we get to sleep a little later in the morning after the kids leave because she has chemo. I know one thing. I'm definitely going to sleep good tonight! I brought some fried chicken home for the kids. Becka ate half a breast, and she will eat more of it tomorrow. She's been feeling better today thank the Lord, but her vision is still a little fuzzy. She thinks that her head might be swimmy instead of her vision, so let's hope so. Starvation will usually make one dizzy!
Believe it or not, I'm going to head to class. Be back in a bit!
Back home and Becka was waiting up for me. Her head is hurting again so I gave her a pain pill. I warmed up the bed a couple of hours ago so it was easy for her to relax, but she's coughing so much, and the stuff that is coming out of her lungs isn't normal congestion. It's some kind of foreign matter, dead cancer I hope. I pray with all of my heart that her lungs are expelling the dead tumors because the chemo is working. I need to talk to someone who has had lung cancer, and that will be tomorrow. She has an appointment in the morning and I'm taking her for chemo. It's a short one so I'll be able to go to work afterwards. I hope that we can talk to the doctor tomorrow. I have several questions to ask him.
Becka checked her old messages yesterday and there was one from her OBGYN. He is the doctor that operated on her last year, one month before she was diagnosed with cancer. Apparently he received the information from her Oncologist, and he left her a message telling her how sorry he was. His voice broke and he started crying during the message. Doctors are trained to be empathetic, and to disconnect from their patients, but after meeting Becka, he apparently knows how special she is. Doctors are human too, even though we tend to put them up on a pedestal. I guess it's because we put our lives in their hands. When they go to work, it means more than usual, but they have feelings just like us, and his came through loud and clear. We will go see him in person when she recovers.
I need to go eat something but I don't know what. My Stepfather gave me a box of Count Chocula cereal last night that he had been hiding. They only sell it around Halloween here. If anyone wants to send me a box, that would be fantastic! I let Andrew have a bowl for breakfast. Something as special as Count Chocula has to be shared! He and his sister really are great kids. They are smart, strong, respectful, and they love their Mama. What else can you ask for? I'm so glad my son is back in town so that I can see him more often. I'm proud of him as well for working as hard as he has been. I pray that God directs his life, but only he can let that happen. He has started taking Taekwondo. I SO hope he stays with it. It is so good for the body and mind. My Master tried to kill me tonight. When you run a forty four year old man back and fourth without paramedics on the scene, you have to wonder! I know that it is prolonging my life, and I never dreamed I would be able to kick over my head and break a board, so I think I'll stick with it for now!
My boss sent me an email today. The director of my entire department gave me permission to work any hours or shift that I want to in order to get my hours in. MAN I work for a great company. Thank you Lord! I know it comes from you!
I prayed with Becka tonight after I gave her a pill and tucked her in. When I pray these days, it's more like a conversation. I'm not praying for the church with my hands in the air so that everyone can see how enthusiastically I am praying. Granted, I love praise and worship, but lately I have taken a hard look at my motives. If I want my prayers to go farther than the ceiling, I have to be talking to God, not just going through the motions. I'm praying from the heart, and I know for a fact that he hears me, loves me, loves her, and wants us to be happy. It's the enemy that attacks my thoughts and emotions. He is able to do this as long as I'm in this earthy, fallen body. One day, all things will be set right, and the King of Kings will be all there is! I truly believe this, and I don't think it will be much longer the way the world is going. Things are pretty bad, but for now, I have my own house to deal with, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm going to eat and go to bed. Please pray that everything goes smoothly tomorrow, and that the stuff that is coming out of Becka's lungs is supposed to be. She mentioned that she might have pneumonia, with all of the vertigo and dizziness, fuzzy vision and all. I think she wanted me to stay up all night again........lol.
God Bless!
Believe it or not, I'm going to head to class. Be back in a bit!
Back home and Becka was waiting up for me. Her head is hurting again so I gave her a pain pill. I warmed up the bed a couple of hours ago so it was easy for her to relax, but she's coughing so much, and the stuff that is coming out of her lungs isn't normal congestion. It's some kind of foreign matter, dead cancer I hope. I pray with all of my heart that her lungs are expelling the dead tumors because the chemo is working. I need to talk to someone who has had lung cancer, and that will be tomorrow. She has an appointment in the morning and I'm taking her for chemo. It's a short one so I'll be able to go to work afterwards. I hope that we can talk to the doctor tomorrow. I have several questions to ask him.
Becka checked her old messages yesterday and there was one from her OBGYN. He is the doctor that operated on her last year, one month before she was diagnosed with cancer. Apparently he received the information from her Oncologist, and he left her a message telling her how sorry he was. His voice broke and he started crying during the message. Doctors are trained to be empathetic, and to disconnect from their patients, but after meeting Becka, he apparently knows how special she is. Doctors are human too, even though we tend to put them up on a pedestal. I guess it's because we put our lives in their hands. When they go to work, it means more than usual, but they have feelings just like us, and his came through loud and clear. We will go see him in person when she recovers.
I need to go eat something but I don't know what. My Stepfather gave me a box of Count Chocula cereal last night that he had been hiding. They only sell it around Halloween here. If anyone wants to send me a box, that would be fantastic! I let Andrew have a bowl for breakfast. Something as special as Count Chocula has to be shared! He and his sister really are great kids. They are smart, strong, respectful, and they love their Mama. What else can you ask for? I'm so glad my son is back in town so that I can see him more often. I'm proud of him as well for working as hard as he has been. I pray that God directs his life, but only he can let that happen. He has started taking Taekwondo. I SO hope he stays with it. It is so good for the body and mind. My Master tried to kill me tonight. When you run a forty four year old man back and fourth without paramedics on the scene, you have to wonder! I know that it is prolonging my life, and I never dreamed I would be able to kick over my head and break a board, so I think I'll stick with it for now!
My boss sent me an email today. The director of my entire department gave me permission to work any hours or shift that I want to in order to get my hours in. MAN I work for a great company. Thank you Lord! I know it comes from you!
I prayed with Becka tonight after I gave her a pill and tucked her in. When I pray these days, it's more like a conversation. I'm not praying for the church with my hands in the air so that everyone can see how enthusiastically I am praying. Granted, I love praise and worship, but lately I have taken a hard look at my motives. If I want my prayers to go farther than the ceiling, I have to be talking to God, not just going through the motions. I'm praying from the heart, and I know for a fact that he hears me, loves me, loves her, and wants us to be happy. It's the enemy that attacks my thoughts and emotions. He is able to do this as long as I'm in this earthy, fallen body. One day, all things will be set right, and the King of Kings will be all there is! I truly believe this, and I don't think it will be much longer the way the world is going. Things are pretty bad, but for now, I have my own house to deal with, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm going to eat and go to bed. Please pray that everything goes smoothly tomorrow, and that the stuff that is coming out of Becka's lungs is supposed to be. She mentioned that she might have pneumonia, with all of the vertigo and dizziness, fuzzy vision and all. I think she wanted me to stay up all night again........lol.
God Bless!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Day Ninety One
I can't believe it's Sunday night already. It's been a quick weekend that's for sure. Emotional as well. Becka has been having trouble with her vision and with dizziness. She's scared that is has something to do with the cancer in her brain. We are praying that it's because she's been in the house and inactive for a while now, but we did get out and to the store and my mother's house today. She's also been coughing up something over and over, like she's full of congestion. I hope she's coughing up dead cancer where the chemotherapy is working. We will find out soon, but until then fear is camping out. We have had a pretty good weekend though. There is just so much uncertainty. We want so bad to know if the chemo is working as well as it should so they can continue what they are doing or start a new course of action with other drugs. We have faith in her doctors, because we believe that they were placed before her by God. He is in charge no matter what.
I built Andrew a rack for his swords today and he painted it, then we hung it on his wall. He's great with tools, and it's something else he and I have in common. I taught him how to countersink screws and use the sander. He's very good with his hands, and he has an impressive sword collection. He bought the Marine sword yesterday, and it's my favorite that he has. I was glad that we got Becka out of the house today. She needs to exercise, but she gets winded easily. She walked upstairs to see his new sword rack and the stairs took everything out of her. She's had a headache for days as well, and she still have blisters behind her ears from the radiation. My mother told her that she looked beautiful today, because she does. Her face has always been her best feature, especially her eyes. She ate today! I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast and she ate both, then she snacked and finally had some vegetable soup for supper. Her strength is coming back, but by the time it gets here, it will be time for chemo again.
Tomorrow is a new day. I'm holding my gorgeous wife close tonight as always. We are going to watch her favorite show then go to bed. Good night and God Bless! Same time tomorrow!
I built Andrew a rack for his swords today and he painted it, then we hung it on his wall. He's great with tools, and it's something else he and I have in common. I taught him how to countersink screws and use the sander. He's very good with his hands, and he has an impressive sword collection. He bought the Marine sword yesterday, and it's my favorite that he has. I was glad that we got Becka out of the house today. She needs to exercise, but she gets winded easily. She walked upstairs to see his new sword rack and the stairs took everything out of her. She's had a headache for days as well, and she still have blisters behind her ears from the radiation. My mother told her that she looked beautiful today, because she does. Her face has always been her best feature, especially her eyes. She ate today! I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast and she ate both, then she snacked and finally had some vegetable soup for supper. Her strength is coming back, but by the time it gets here, it will be time for chemo again.
Tomorrow is a new day. I'm holding my gorgeous wife close tonight as always. We are going to watch her favorite show then go to bed. Good night and God Bless! Same time tomorrow!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Day Ninety
It's Saturday and I'm watching the Duke / Carolina Game. Becka laid down about an hour ago. Her head has been hurting all day so she finally took something for it. Our bed warmer quit last night so I went out and bought a new one at Walmart after I picked Autumn up at the skating rink. The bed warmer is critical right now because she stays cold all of the time. I bought one that preheats the bed and it's programmable. Andrew and I went to the flea market today so that he could spend some of his money. He bought two nice swords, (he collects theme). One of them is a United States Marine officer's sword. It's my favorite that he has so far. We ordered pizzas for supper. I bought Becka's favorite - spinach parmesan, so I hope she can eat some. I'm going to watch a little of the game. Back in a bit!
Okay the game is over. It was over before it started. Carolina took it to my boys tonight. I guess they deserved it on both ends! Becka woke up and watched the last of the game with me. She's feeling a little better but still has a headache. I'm getting her out of the house in the morning. We are going to the flea market, walmart, and my mother's house if she feels up to it. She ate some of the roast I cooked the other night and so far so good. I pray that her headache is coming from being cooped up in the house and not eating. She got a letter from the doctor's today that says her MRI of her brain is going to be on March 26, then we have to wait two days to get the results. It's going to show that her tumors are all but gone I'm sure. I feel it in my heart. We have too many things to do together for her to be sick. She's on the road to recovery and next year this time, we will be making vacation plans. We ARE going to the beach.
We are watching "Son's of Guns". It's a great show for people who believe in the Constitution. Becka enjoys it but her favorite show comes on tomorrow, (The Amazing Race). I started tapering down on the steroids myself today. They are making me feel horrible so I'm going off of them earlier. I remember a time when I could medicate my feelings. Now I just have to feel them and express them, and this blog is a big part of that. By telling all of you how I feel, I allow you to help me, and I can look at what is going on inside of me instead of trying to figure it out.
God is all around us. He's so real to me that I can almost see him. There was a period in my life that I questioned the existence of God. Now he's the biggest part of my life. I talk to him more than anyone else, he is always with me no matter where I am or what I'm doing, and I rely on him more than anything. I don't know how people can live happily without God in their life, but I feel sorry for them. He is my rock and my shelter. All of you are my strength as well. There is NO WAY I could do this by myself. Everyone has been incredible, I have no complaints, and I love you all.
We are going to spend some quality time together, holding hands and watching people on TV blow stuff up. My verse for the night is Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path.
Good night!
Okay the game is over. It was over before it started. Carolina took it to my boys tonight. I guess they deserved it on both ends! Becka woke up and watched the last of the game with me. She's feeling a little better but still has a headache. I'm getting her out of the house in the morning. We are going to the flea market, walmart, and my mother's house if she feels up to it. She ate some of the roast I cooked the other night and so far so good. I pray that her headache is coming from being cooped up in the house and not eating. She got a letter from the doctor's today that says her MRI of her brain is going to be on March 26, then we have to wait two days to get the results. It's going to show that her tumors are all but gone I'm sure. I feel it in my heart. We have too many things to do together for her to be sick. She's on the road to recovery and next year this time, we will be making vacation plans. We ARE going to the beach.
We are watching "Son's of Guns". It's a great show for people who believe in the Constitution. Becka enjoys it but her favorite show comes on tomorrow, (The Amazing Race). I started tapering down on the steroids myself today. They are making me feel horrible so I'm going off of them earlier. I remember a time when I could medicate my feelings. Now I just have to feel them and express them, and this blog is a big part of that. By telling all of you how I feel, I allow you to help me, and I can look at what is going on inside of me instead of trying to figure it out.
God is all around us. He's so real to me that I can almost see him. There was a period in my life that I questioned the existence of God. Now he's the biggest part of my life. I talk to him more than anyone else, he is always with me no matter where I am or what I'm doing, and I rely on him more than anything. I don't know how people can live happily without God in their life, but I feel sorry for them. He is my rock and my shelter. All of you are my strength as well. There is NO WAY I could do this by myself. Everyone has been incredible, I have no complaints, and I love you all.
We are going to spend some quality time together, holding hands and watching people on TV blow stuff up. My verse for the night is Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path.
Good night!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Day Eighty Nine
Day eighty nine and things are better than last night thank the Lord. Becka is feeling better even though she can't eat. Nothing tastes good to her. I made pizza baked spaghetti, fixed her a bowl of Raisin Bran, and made milk shakes, but nothing, so I'll fix some eggs in the morning and hope her appetite is back. She's feeling better though. We had a rough time tonight but everything is okay now. I think our nerves got to us and we lashed out at each other. It wasn't bad and didn't last but a second, but I left for a few and went to Harbor Freight so that I wouldn't say anything stupid, or that I would regret. We text our love to each other and I came back home, and now I'm holding her feet and we are watching a movie, "The Hunt For Red October". I love it and she loves Sean Connery. I have to say he's still a beautiful man. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that.
Becka just went to bed. Her eyes were too tired to watch this so we will finish tomorrow. I'm going to lay down with her for a bit because I have to pick up Autumn in a little while at the Skating Rink. I'm glad I don't have to work tomorrow. We need the rest and the time together. We had a wonderful visit tonight from some fantastic people! They are friends of Becka's parents and have a wonderful ministry. Jim and Sarah Ellsmore have known Becka since she was born. They drove a long way to North Carolina and were headed to West Virginia when they left here. They prayed with Becka and Me and brought us some brownies. I absolutely love with all of my heart people that give so much of themselves and don't expect anything in return. Their rewards are waiting in Heaven!
She's asleep and things are good. Life goes on and I'm going to enjoy every minute I can. I'll feel much better when I get off of these steroids. They are driving me nuts and ruining my sleep, as if I could sleep anyway. We are keeping up the fight and are going to win with your help. God Bless you and thank you for everything. I'll write more tomorrow!
Becka just went to bed. Her eyes were too tired to watch this so we will finish tomorrow. I'm going to lay down with her for a bit because I have to pick up Autumn in a little while at the Skating Rink. I'm glad I don't have to work tomorrow. We need the rest and the time together. We had a wonderful visit tonight from some fantastic people! They are friends of Becka's parents and have a wonderful ministry. Jim and Sarah Ellsmore have known Becka since she was born. They drove a long way to North Carolina and were headed to West Virginia when they left here. They prayed with Becka and Me and brought us some brownies. I absolutely love with all of my heart people that give so much of themselves and don't expect anything in return. Their rewards are waiting in Heaven!
She's asleep and things are good. Life goes on and I'm going to enjoy every minute I can. I'll feel much better when I get off of these steroids. They are driving me nuts and ruining my sleep, as if I could sleep anyway. We are keeping up the fight and are going to win with your help. God Bless you and thank you for everything. I'll write more tomorrow!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Day Eighty Eight
It's Thursday night and things have changed. Life always does. Becka has had a good day. Andrew and I just got back from Taekwondo. I cooked a roast in the crock pot today and we had dinner together and she ate. I made sure to put lots of baby carrots in it because she loves them. She enjoyed it and so did the kids. Everything was fine, until we got home. I bought her an ITunes card today so that she can put some more music on her IPOD. At first she told me she couldn't get the card to work and the code was invalid, so I tried to take it back to the store, but they said to go to the Apple web site. I'm so glad I always save receipts. I brought it back home after class and decided to try and enter the code, and it worked. That's when she told me that her vision had become blurry on her left side again, just like it did right before they diagnosed her cancer. I know that she's tired, but at first I didn't realize how upset she was until I saw her crying. I embraced her and told her it would be okay, that the medicine will work and God will heal her. She's terrified. I try to put myself in her shoes and I can't get all the way there, but the love we share helps me to understand some of how she feels.
I'm terrified too. If the cancer wasn't in her brain I wouldn't think much of it, but it is, so anything dealing with her vision, and the fact that she's had seizures, scares me to my soul. Sometimes I think that this can't really be happening, but it is and we have to deal with it. For the first time in my life, I can't run. There is no "out" for us. There is only one course and we have to trust in God, which is very very hard sometimes. I know that he can heal her, and I know that he will heal her, but what I don't know are his plans. This is a paralyzing fear and I'm shaking all over right now. I put her to bed because she's worn out, and I came outside because I didn't want her to see me this way. I only want to be strong because she is the one going through this and she needs me to be strong, but the part of me that has never been strong is my faith, until now. I'm sitting here typing with a left middle finger that I smashed between a meat grinder I was working on today and a pipe wrench that apparently slips sometimes. It filled my fingernail up with blood, so I heated up a paperclip and burned a hole in the nail to relieve the pressure. I will lose the nail, I've done it before. The point is that I can deal with any kind of physical pain. I've always had a high tolerance for broken bones and asphalt burns, but emotional pain cripples me. I have no choice but to rely on a God that has saved me countless times. I know this for a fact. I'm not alive by chance, and NO ONE is that lucky. I just wish I could wave a wand and she would be healed, but I'm so powerless, and there is where the fear lives. There is nothing I can do but stand with her and hope that God hears us when we beg him for mercy. One day all will be revealed. Anyone who has dealt with this understands how this feels. It's like walking around in a bubble, and the world as we knew it isn't real anymore. We still have good times and good moments, but they are always overshadowed by cancer. Tuesday, March 13, 2012, will be life changing I hope. That is when they are going to scan her and tell us what is happening inside. Until then, life is somewhat on hold. I appreciate all that everyone has done, and I know that you are hurting as well because you love her too. I just feel like we are all alone in this, and I know that it's just my mind playing with me, but when the smoke clears, and everyone has gone to bed, and I'm laying behind her in the dark listening to her breath, touching her shoulder, that is when I'm all jumbled up inside. That is when I'm truly terrified. I need her to be laying there every night for the rest of my life. I need her to bury me, and if God will let me, I'll gladly take her place in this. Please God make her well.
I'm going to watch a little TV then go to bed. Good night and God Bless all of you. I know you are in this with us, skin in the game, and I'm grateful. I'm just a wreck tonight. Tomorrow is another day.
I'm terrified too. If the cancer wasn't in her brain I wouldn't think much of it, but it is, so anything dealing with her vision, and the fact that she's had seizures, scares me to my soul. Sometimes I think that this can't really be happening, but it is and we have to deal with it. For the first time in my life, I can't run. There is no "out" for us. There is only one course and we have to trust in God, which is very very hard sometimes. I know that he can heal her, and I know that he will heal her, but what I don't know are his plans. This is a paralyzing fear and I'm shaking all over right now. I put her to bed because she's worn out, and I came outside because I didn't want her to see me this way. I only want to be strong because she is the one going through this and she needs me to be strong, but the part of me that has never been strong is my faith, until now. I'm sitting here typing with a left middle finger that I smashed between a meat grinder I was working on today and a pipe wrench that apparently slips sometimes. It filled my fingernail up with blood, so I heated up a paperclip and burned a hole in the nail to relieve the pressure. I will lose the nail, I've done it before. The point is that I can deal with any kind of physical pain. I've always had a high tolerance for broken bones and asphalt burns, but emotional pain cripples me. I have no choice but to rely on a God that has saved me countless times. I know this for a fact. I'm not alive by chance, and NO ONE is that lucky. I just wish I could wave a wand and she would be healed, but I'm so powerless, and there is where the fear lives. There is nothing I can do but stand with her and hope that God hears us when we beg him for mercy. One day all will be revealed. Anyone who has dealt with this understands how this feels. It's like walking around in a bubble, and the world as we knew it isn't real anymore. We still have good times and good moments, but they are always overshadowed by cancer. Tuesday, March 13, 2012, will be life changing I hope. That is when they are going to scan her and tell us what is happening inside. Until then, life is somewhat on hold. I appreciate all that everyone has done, and I know that you are hurting as well because you love her too. I just feel like we are all alone in this, and I know that it's just my mind playing with me, but when the smoke clears, and everyone has gone to bed, and I'm laying behind her in the dark listening to her breath, touching her shoulder, that is when I'm all jumbled up inside. That is when I'm truly terrified. I need her to be laying there every night for the rest of my life. I need her to bury me, and if God will let me, I'll gladly take her place in this. Please God make her well.
I'm going to watch a little TV then go to bed. Good night and God Bless all of you. I know you are in this with us, skin in the game, and I'm grateful. I'm just a wreck tonight. Tomorrow is another day.
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