Day 266

Monday night and I wish I could say all is well, but it's deteriorating. Beck has been in a lot of pain all day. I tied her leg to mine last night and she tried to get up twice, and we did get up four times. She's hurting in the bottom of her back and spine. Her Dad bought her a blow up pillow to sit on, but between that, the heating pad, vicodin, and Alieve, she's still hurting. She went to bed about forty five minutes ago. She's also very disoriented and didn't know what day it was earlier. It may be exhaustion, or a combination of things. Either way, I'm going to bed in a few and try to sleep. We had a fantastic supper that Beck's Mom cooked, then my Uncle Tommy had an "Edible Arrangement" delivered to Beck. I baked a cake, so we are eating good. Beck's appetite is huge because of the steroids she is taking, and she hates them because they have blown her up, but they are keeping her alive by not allowing her brain to swell. She will probably be on them for the rest of her life. We know what's going on inside of her, so we are grateful at least for the steroids.

I broke down and cried for a while tonight. I've been holding it together pretty well, but all of this is overwhelming. It's like living with a grenade, waiting on it to go off. When I think about it, I still can't believe sometimes what is happening. It seems like so long ago that we would be going down the road on a date or somewhere with the kids, and I would look over and see her long, black hair, blowing in the wind. I would take her hand and tell her I love her, and she would look right through to my soul. Now, her gaze is different, but when she looks at me, it's still her, and the connection we have always had kicks in. If she didn't know me, it would absolutely destroy me, but she does. She knows I'm still her man and always will be, and that brings me to the question that haunts me day and night. What would I do without her? I know that I'm selfish for feeling that way, but I can't see past today, and I guess that's good. I know that God has a plan for me, and that I'm living it right now. I guess I'll just put my trust in him to guide me. I'm just terrified, angry, exhausted, and grief stricken. I can tell you that it's not a good feeling. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I don't know how much longer life will be like this, and you know what, I don't care. There is nothing I want more than for her to get well, but if that doesn't happen, I'll be right here. She is the one going through this, battling to live every day. I need to keep that in mind and not complain about my feelings. She really is all that matters right now.

I'm going to check on her and go to bed. Good night and God Bless!

There is the look I'm talking about, that look which always preceded a sweet kiss!