Day Fifty Eight

It's Tuesday night and I just got home from Taekwondo. Becka is eating an orange and feeling pretty good. She had Chemotherapy today and it went well. Debbie and I went with her, then I left and came home with the kids while Debbie stayed. They gave her a bunch of meds so she's very tired. I really pray that the Chemo doesn't make her as sick as last time and her body adjusts to it. It was a good day overall. Debbie and I went to lunch and brought Becka back an authentic Greek Gyro. Her appetite has picked up over the last few days, but she's lot some weight. I just hope that we can keep finding things that taste good to her.

We had a "Mask Destroying" party today! Becka had a horrible plastic mask that they put over her face to hold her head in place during radiation. When she finished her treatments, they gave it to her. Today we recorded it while she hit it with my sledge hammer, then I cut it up with my chain saw, and we finished it off with lighter fluid. The mask was reminiscent of something from the Spanish Inquisition, so I'm glad it's gone, and I pray with all of my heart that she never has to wear one again.

I'm very proud of Autumn. She saved enough money to buy her own laptop computer! I took her today to the pawn shop and she picked out a nice Compaq. Then we went to Walmart and bought a case for it. I love teaching the kids about Capitalism!

I'm sorry this is so short but I'm exhausted. God Bless you and I'll write more tomorrow. I just need to take my mind off of this for tonight. Sweet dreams!

Day Fifty Seven

Monday and I feel like I've been attacked all day. We all have those days where nothing seems to go right, but the fact is, I made it home okay. I was almost in an accident on the way home. Everyone in front of me decided at once to lock it up. I'm glad I had new tires put on the work truck not too long ago, but they are probably flat spotted now. I was standing on the brake and I didn't hit anything, but my heart was beating in my chest. I think I might slow down from now on.

I had a bad encounter on the phone today. Becka's OBGYN called me and was rather rude on the phone about a bill. I guess all bill collectors are trained how to be butts. I explained to her that we had about a hundred doctor bills laying here and I'm sure that theirs was in the pile, and we would get around to it as soon as possible. I also let her know that last year after their Doctor operated on Becka, then gave her a clean bill of health, she was diagnosed with stage four cancer by another doctor a month later. I guess he must have missed it huh? It's a good thing we are the grateful type and not the suing type.

Becka is feeling better today and eating! I hope it lasts because her next Chemo treatment is in the morning. I took off work to go with her and Debbie. Please keep her in your prayers! I know that the chemo is making her sick, but I'm still grateful for each and every IV bag they hook up to her. One day, maybe not too far down the road, there will be other treatments for cancer, but for now, the chemo is going to save her life, so I can say with all sincerity, "Cancer Sucks, Chemo Rocks"!!!

Going to take a break. I will write more tonight before bed time. Love you!

Just got home from Taekwondo and Becka is watching TV! That's awesome! She's felt good all day and seems to have more of her strength back. We are calling it a night. Thank you Lord for another day!
See you tomorrow...

Day Fifty Six

It's Sunday and it seems like all I've been able to write about was bad news, but today has been blessed. Becka has been up quite a bit today and she's felt good comparatively. I fixed her some eggs this morning and a turkey sandwich for lunch, and for supper I cooked a chicken in the crock pot and made some home made mashed potatoes. She's laying down right now, but it's okay. I see a lot of improvement and I'm thanking God for that! She only has one more day before her next Chemotherapy treatment, so I pray that tomorrow is even better for her.

It's funny. I remember that I used to want to win the lottery so I could buy a bigger house, a sports car, a new FORD truck, and a boat. Now I wish I would win the lottery so that I could stay home with her all of the time. I'm so very grateful for Debbie and Ruth staying with us, but I miss her so badly during the day. My body goes to work but my mind and my heart stay here. When I think about it, I've been in so many situations and life changing events in my forty four years, and in every case I adapted to my surroundings and accepted the way things were, but not now. I haven't become "comfortable" with this in the least, nor have I accepted this as normal. I don't think I ever will, and I don't think I really have to, to tell you the truth. I'm going to keep fighting with my last breath to get her well and enrich her life, and I'm going to keep praying that God will lead us out of this, rather than have him just make it better for the time being. I'm not accepting anything short of her complete recovery and remission. Becka has cancer, Cancer doesn't have her. This is all like a bad dream, and one morning we are going to wake up and life will be normal again. I have to believe that, but until that day, all my beautiful wife has to do is look beside of her and she will see me. I am exactly where I belong, as well as where I want to be.

Gonna take a break. I'll write some more in a bit.

Watching the Pro Bowl! It's sad that there are only two games left this year. It's even sadder that the Redskins aren't in the Superbowl.......AGAIN. I wish I could buy the team and fire EVERYBODY, then start over. One of my best memories of all time was when my Grandfather and I went to Panther's Stadium in Charlotte North Carolina to see the Redskins play the Carolina Panthers. My Grand Dad had battled prostate cancer for years and he was sick, but nothing was going to keep him from the game. He and I were all "Skinned" up. He had on his leather Redskin jacket, (which I now have), and his Redskin hat. I had on warpaint. We sat in the middle of a bunch of Panther Fans. I remember before that game, the Panthers had won every home game in their franchise history, but the Redskins beat them that day. The Panther fans didn't give us a hard time because they knew my Grand Dad was sick. He was such a wonderful man. He fought cancer for twelve years but it finally won. There is no doubt where he is right now. He cared about the Lord, his family, and his dog. I can't wait to see him again and hug him tight. He never got to meet Becka. I'll introduce them in about fifty years, God willing!

Becka is up and she just ate! I can't express how wonderful that is! I'm going to bed early. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning, and I need to work four tens this week because I'm taking off Tuesday to go with her and Debbie to Chemo. God Bless you all and thanks for dropping by to read this. It helps me to express my feelings because unless I write them, sometimes I don't recognize them. Right now, this very second, I'm grateful. I pray that I stay that way!

Good night!

Day Fifty Five

Saturday night and we are watching a movie. I rented "Dolphin Tale". It's based on a true story and supposed to be a good family movie. Becka is watching for now. She's been laying down for a bit. Her system is haywire right now. She's been drinking the protein shakes I got her from GNC, and taking the Iron supplements the doctor called in for her. I'm praying that they will help with the fatigue and nausea. The main problem is her sense of taste. Everything tastes bad, so that makes it hard to eat. She did get out of the house today with Debbie. They went grocery shopping. Any kind of exercise is a plus. The bad part is that she only has two more days until her next Chemotherapy treatment. She had about a week after her last one until she started feeling really bad. It's hard to describe how it feels to watch someone you love with all of your heart go from being full of life and energetic, to being sick all of the time. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make her feel better, if only for a little while.

It's just us tonight. Debbie went to Charlotte for the night. She text and made it okay thank the Lord! I'll be glad when she gets back. I think I will cook for her for a change!

I'm conflicted about tomorrow. I need to work, but I also need to spend time with Becka. God has taken care of us so far, and if I just do all that I can every day, he will continue to take care of us. This too shall pass, and we will look back at this and remember the good that came out of it. For one, it has brought us closer together as a family. We appreciate every minute together. Our marriage, as wonderful as it was, means even more than it did, and the word "commitment" has taken on a new meaning. We can appreciate even more what others are going through when they are recovering from cancer. It has definitely brought us closer to God as a family. We pray more often and rely on him for everything. As for me, it has humbled me. I have had to rely on other people, and it makes me a better man I think. A stubborn, ignorant man will never admit that he needs help, but I've learned that when other people help me, they receive blessings from God.

I'm going to watch this movie with Beck and go to bed. God Bless all of you! I will never stop saying, thank you!

More to come......

Day Fifty Four

It's Friday! Like it means anything. I guess it's okay because the kids get to sleep in, but I have to go to work first thing in the morning. I'm grateful for the overtime. Debbie marinated some chicken breasts tonight and I cooked them on the grill. I don't know what her secret recipe is, but they were outstanding. She also cooked some seasoned potatoes, so we ate good tonight! Becka is up Praise the Lord. I bought her some meal replacements today at GNC, and made her a chocolate shake. She hasn't been eating and she's getting weaker. I pray that these Hybrid Protein shakes I bought her work. We have got to get some nutrients in her so she will feel better.

Tonight was very emotional. Becka has been sick for so long. I just want her to feel good again. She and I prayed together and it always makes a difference. Jesus said in John 14:26 "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." I pray every day that the Holy Spirit will come here and camp out with Becka. She doesn't understand any of this and neither do I, except that this is part of life. Sometimes she wonders what she did wrong to be punished. Don't get me wrong, she never feels sorry for herself. She knows that millions of people go through this. I guess when someone is sick for so long, they forget what it feels like to feel good. She will feel good again. We will walk on the beach. Her food will taste good again, and that's when we are going to a VERY nice restaurant, even if we have to sell one of the kids, lol!

 I love my wife so very much. I can't express in words what she means to me. I really do need for her to bury me, after we spend the next forty years together. She always tells me that when I die, she's going to bury my dog with me. (They don't get along very well). He's not right in the head and he doesn't like anyone but me. I think he was abused by a woman. If you ask Becka what breed he is, she will tell you he's a Boston Terrier - A**hole mix.

We are going to watch a movie and hit the hay. God Bless you with all of our hearts! Thanks for everything!

More to come.....

Day Fifty Three

Thursday and we just finished eating supper. Debbie cooked a roast and rice and it was fantastic! Becka can't stand the smell of food right now, so she took a shower and is laying down. The kids and I ate though and loved every minute of it. I had a very productive day at work. Lately I've been able to keep my emotions in check, but inevitably it always happens. I see someone that I haven't seen in a while and they ask me why I shaved my head in the winter time. I cry every time I tell Becka's story but usually in different parts. Today it was when I got to the part about the Radiologist telling us that the cancer had spread to her brain. It's okay though, because the more Christians I tell, the more people are praying for her. I know that I've said what many others are saying, which is, "All we can do is pray", but in fact, that's the FIRST thing I should always do. Talking to God is the most powerful conversation I will ever have.

Who am I to question the creator of everything. I have to ask myself do I trust God to heal her. I know that I have faith, but what about trust? I had a friend tell me the difference between faith and trust one time. Say I go to Niagra Falls, and the world's greatest tightrope walker is there, and he has stretched a line from one side of the falls to the other. He is planning on walking across pushing a wheel barrel. He says, "Randy, do you think I can push this wheel barrel all the way across the falls without falling"? I say, "Yes, I know you can. I've seen you do it before. I have no doubt that you CAN do it". That belief is "Faith". "Trust", is when I get in the wheel barrel, and I'm usually not willing to do that unless this side of the falls are on fire and there are cannibals running towards me.  The Falls symbolize life, and the man pushing the wheel barrel is God. If I'm willing to sit back and let him take me where HE wants me to go, and trust him, then all will be well. God is NOT my copilot. If he is the copilot, that means I'm still flying the plane, and we are going to crash! He doesn't need my help. He wants me to sit back in first class, but even then I still run to the cockpit to make sure we are going somewhere that I think we should.

I'm going to break for a bit. I'll write some more when I get home from taekwondo!

I'm going to post this now because I'm totally exhausted and will probably go to bed early. I would watch the Republican debate for comedic value, but if I'm going to watch a couple of lying scoundrels, I might as well turn on Jerry Springer..........NOT! Thanks for everything all. Becka is going to start Iron therapy tomorrow. Hopefully that will increase her appetite and give her energy. She needs it! God Bless you all and again, thanks so much for everything.

Day Fifty Two

It's Wednesday! Half way done with the week. The weather today has been absolutely beautiful. It was sunny all day and in the high sixties. It's easier to go to work when I can take my jacket off and enjoy it! I ran quite a bit all over the place catching calls, and my leg hasn't hurt me a single time! I get sciatica because of a couple of bad disks, and I usually have to get steroid epidurals, but ever since I had acupuncture the other day, I haven't hurt a single time. I'm glad because there is no way I could have back surgery right now. Becka needs me to go out every day, kill something, and drag it home for supper, figuratively speaking. One of these days I'll have it fixed permanently after she's well and in remission. I have so much to do and I've been stressing about all of it, and at times like that it seems I can't get anything done, so I've decided to take one task at a time and complete it before undertaking another one, kind of like how we are trying to live our lives, one day at a time.

I've been listening to a study on the book of Job by Dr John McCarthur. If I start to feel sorry for myself, or think that God isn't with us, all I have to remember is what Job went through, and he never lost his faith, not even after his family and everything he had were gone. I still have my savior, my family, my job, my home, my dogs, and taekwondo. What else is there? I've been living in fear ever since Becka was diagnosed, and even though I know that I'll be scared until she is well, I need to act as if God is going to heal her. I need to give him praise for everything no matter what the circumstances.

My sweet precious wife is feeling better today. She was extremely sick last night which is scary by itself. She tends to pass out when she is throwing up. She was walking through the house one night and got sick, lost consciousness, and took out a chunk of the wall. Her head hit the corner and she had a goose egg for a month. She's not only gorgeous, she's TOUGH!

I'm heading out the door to see some friends of ours test for higher belts in taekwondo. I'll finish this when I get home.

Everyone is in bed but me. I can finally calm down now. I just finished putting together a package for the "Lion's Pride" organization. They are a wonderful group that help people and I'm sending them a file the size of an IRS audit. My boss guided me towards them and anything they will do I'm grateful for. Let me say, if it weren't for family, we wouldn't have made it this far, Spiritually, Emotionally, and Financially. Both of our families have reached out and sacrificed for us, and I pray that one day I'm in a situation where I can give back to them. When I say our entire lives have changed, I mean it. I know that things will do an about face when Becka is well again, but for now, all I care about is her getting well. Six months ago, we were making plans for the future, discussing our goals and dreams, thinking about buying Becka a newer car. Today, ALL of those goals, hopes, and dreams have been put to the side and only one exists, and that's for her to be cancer free. We have everything we need for now, and that is ALL I want.

 Becka is sick again tonight, but there is goooooood news! She has been coughing. YES that's good news! She's coughing because she is taking deeper breaths, which means that she's using more of her lungs, which TO ME means that the TUMOR IS SHRINKING! I know that's what it is. PLEASE GOD let that be what it is. I'll do anything, no matter what it takes. You know, that's what tears me up so badly sometimes about this situation, my powerlessness. The fear that comes with being completely powerless over something. The fact is, there is only one thing I can do. I can stand with my wife before God and have faith in him, trust in his plan, and be as happy as I can. Life will be good again, when the fear is gone.

I'm going to bed. Thanks so much to all of you and God Bless! See you tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel!

Day Fifty One

It's Tuesday night and I'm dragging along. Today was very productive but exhausting. I worked all day and Debbie took Becka to the doctor. The good news is that her blood count was normal! That surprised me because of how rotten she's been feeling the past few days. I would give one of my kidneys and half of my liver for her to not be sick just one day. She didn't eat anything tonight because she's nauseated. I did manage to get her to keep some emetrol down, but nothing sounds good to her. Debbie is cooking a roast tomorrow. I pray that she can eat some of it. She needs it to keep up her strength.

Wow...I just sat here and fell asleep at the computer. (I'm glad we weren't talking in person), lol. Andrew and I went to Taekwondo tonight and had a very good workout. My goal is to lose twenty five pounds by June and compete in a tournament. We will see how that goes. It's no problem as long as I don't get injured!

I'm going to have to make this short tonight. Becka is going to bed and I'm going with her. I'll write some more tomorrow. Peace be with you and God Bless you in all you do!

Day Fifty

Monday and I think if it rains anymore I may build an ark. I went to the doctor today and got rid of the pain in my leg. I get acupuncture and I can testify that it works! My sciatica has been killing me for a week, and I'm sitting here not feeling any pain right now. I recommend it to everyone who isn't afraid of having a dozen or so needles stuck in you at the same time! What's really cool is the fact that he hooks electrodes to them and contracts my muscles. It's a little much at first but when my muscles relax, the pain is gone!

When I got home from work, Becka was laying down, but Debbie said that she's had a good day. Debbie is cooking supper and I just gave the kids a lesson on how to use the fire extinguisher I brought home. I reminded them that if there ever is a fire, it's better to jump out a second story window and break both legs than to burn up, so we are going to practice this weekend. They kind of looked at me wild eyed, lol. They think I'm going to throw them out the window. I LOVE having kids. It's our RIGHT to mess with their minds sometimes.

It's starting to smell fantastic in here. Debbie is cooking Jambalaya. I guess I spelled that right because "spell check" didn't underline the word. She's making a cheesy Jambalaya with cream cheese. I don't even like Jambalaya and I can't wait until this is ready! (Life is good). I mean that....life is good! I could sit back and worry all day about Becka, finances, the kids, the future, but that wouldn't do me any good. I'm living one day at a time, the way a certain organization that saved my life taught me how to live. We have everything we need, because God is using people to provide, and I am so grateful. Those aren't just words. There will come a day when Becka and I will be needed, and we will be there, you can take that to the bank. I've never loved my wife as much as I love her today, and I'm sure I will love her more tomorrow, and as far as those who have reached out to us, every gesture, every prayer, everything you do means more than I can say in words. Thank you times a billion!

I'm going to take a break for now. I'll finish this tonight. Peace!

I just got back from taekwondo and the van died. I think it's either the battery or the alternator. I'll fix it tomorrow. Please pray it's something simple. Becka is up and watching TV with Debbie! That's awesome. She's been feeling pretty bad for the last couple of days. I know that she doesn't have an appetite and everything tastes bad, but she has to keep eating and getting protein. I think the Boost drinks are helping, and she eats a lot of citrus, oranges and grapefruits. The day is coming soon I hope when they won't have to pump poison in her body, because she's going to be cancer free.

I'm watching the Republican debate. I haven't talked about it much, but I'm hoping that Rick Santorum is our next president. I really like his values. I care very much about the direction this country is going, but for right now I'll keep my focus here. I'm praying that God will put who he wants in the White House, (but I hope it's Rick).

I'm going to bed. Good night and God Bless all of you! Please keep praying for healing. We have no idea how well the Chemo and the radiation are working. We put our faith in God and ask him to direct the doctors. Please work through them father, and restore her. Please.

Night!

Day Forty Nine

It's Sunday afternoon. Man the weekends go by quick! I'm sitting here watching NFL playoffs. Becka just went to lay down. She's not feeling well today. She's shakey and has vertigo, and she says everything tastes bad. I'm sure it's the Chemo, but Debbie and I will be checking on her. I'm fixing supper tonight. I'm cooking barbecued chicken on the grill and corn on the cob on the other grill. I hope she is able to eat. I made a huge bag of beef jerky hoping that it will taste good to her. This batch is hickory flavor with some added red pepper so it isn't too spicy. She seems to like spicy foods though. She LOVES the spicy flavored V8, and she's been drinking boost. Becka really has been taking very good care of herself and doing what she's supposed to be doing. She drinks a ton of water every day, eats leafy greens and protein. Between the doctors, the medicines, and her, there is no reason why she shouldn't recover. Now it's all up to God, so I'm going to keep praying.

 I was on the radio today. I had to go to work in Greensboro, and I called a show I listen to on Sundays called the "Jesus Christ" show. The pastor told me to read Romans 8:18 every day : "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." I can't tell you why I called in, except that the radio pastor said that if anyone needed prayers, to call. I'm not looking for answers, but I figured that if others heard about Becka, they will pray for her. I know that to be true. I've prayed for people on the spot when I didn't even know them. I pray every time I see a wreck that the people involved will be okay. I want as many people praying for Becka as possible. I wish I could rent a billboard, lol.

She told me tonight when she laid down that she missed our life. I said that I'm not missing anything. She's all I need or want, and this is no burden for me to take care of the woman I love. It's a blessing like no other. I dream of the day that she's well, but not for me so much as it is for her. I just want her to feel good again.

I'm going to take a break. I'll write some more in a bit.

We just finished supper. I cooked barbecue chicken on one grill and roasted corn on the cob on the other grill. It turned out really good! I soaked the corn for an hour then let the grill steam it. We also cooked rice and banana pudding for desert. Beck got up to eat thank the Lord. We are watching the NFC championship game between the Forty Niners and the Giants, only because she insists, lol. (Becka doesn't like football). I'm fixing to go watch it in the other room while I clean up and put clothes away. Debbie is cleaning the kitchen. I hope and pray that Becka feels better tomorrow. Please join me in praying for God to send the Spirit to her tonight.

She has her next chemo treatment next Tuesday. I'll be there with her and Debbie. I only have a couple more vacation days, so I'll have to work some Saturdays to make up for it. I am so blessed to work for a company that lets me do that. God knows exactly what he is doing.

I'm calling it a night and unplugging. I have a bunch to do before I go to bed. If you are reading this, thank you. Thanks so much for your prayers and well wishes. This experience has changed our entire lives. Even after Becka goes in to remission, I will still live in fear that the cancer will come back one day. If not, then all will be well, but if it does, we will fight it with everything we have, just like we are doing now. I'm so glad that Becka is so strong. She IS going to make it. There is no "if".

Take care and God Bless!

Day Forty Eight

Saturday night and we are watching the results from South Carolina. So the flavor of the week is Newt Gingrich. I'm just not in to it. I guess because I have other things on my mind. Today has been a dreary, rainy day. I worked all morning then came home and did some things around here. Debbie cooked a roast for supper that was fantastic, and a very nice friend of hers came to visit. Becka isn't feeling well tonight. I helped her to get in to bed a little while ago. She said she was cold, but she was warm to the touch, so she might be running a little bit of a fever. I'm going to check on her until I go to bed, which won't be late. I'm praying that she's just tired. The past few days she's been feeling so much better. I want so much for that to continue.

I rented the movie "Courageous" today. We haven't watched it yet, and it will probably be tomorrow before we do since Beck isn't feeling well. I can't watch TV right now anyway, after I threw my coffee cup through the television when Duke lost to Florida State in the last second of the game. Becka and Debbie actually watched it as well, but they weren't ready to go slash FSU's tires on their bus...(go figure). Maybe I take college basketball too seriously. (I didn't really throw my cup by the way. The TV is fine).

I just checked on Beck. She has cooled off and is feeling better. I think she was just worn out. She and Debbie got out of the house today. It takes so much out of her to move around. We were out last night as well at my sister in law's birthday party. Everyone is always SO glad to see her! She truly is beloved! Tomorrow is going to be a day of rest for everyone. If it's nice outside, I'm going to cook chicken and corn on the cob on the grill. Otherwise I foresee several naps in our near future.

Goodnight and God Bless! I'll write some more tomorrow and update how Becka is feeling. I'm going to kiss her and go to bed myself!

Day Forty Seven

Finally Friday!! I don't know why I'm so thrilled. I'm working all day tomorrow, but I'm grateful that I can work and make some money! I'll rest Sunday. Today has been a great day overall! Becka is feeling MUCH better, and she got out of the house all day with Debbie. They went to the grocery store, and shopping for my sister in law's birthday. Debbie bought everything including the groceries to cook supper next week. Becka really does have sensational sisters, as well as the rest of her family. Everyone has helped us out and we are so grateful. My mother and step father, Becka's parents, her brother and his family, her sisters, EVERYONE is showing that their hearts are with her and they have "skin in the game". I was once a prideful man, and pride comes before the fall, but there is a difference in being prideful and proud. I'm proud of my family and of my savior, and I'm grateful for anything that anyone does to help us. One of our friends brought us a box of food today, (Kristi), and there were SNICKERDOODLE cookies in the box. I hid them from the kids.

We just got back from my Sister-in-law's birthday party. It went very well. My sister brought my Redskin Starter jacket that I've been asking her for at LEAST eight years! I loaned it to my nephew. I really didn't think she had it anymore. I was SO happy to see it! I gave it to Becka because it is warm, it has a hood, it's waterproof, and it covers her hips. It really is a nice jacket and it fits her perfectly. It will keep her warm AND it has the Redskin logo on the back! Life is truly good!

 I'm ecstatic about the fact that she's feeling good today. I pray it lasts and lasts! I have literally been talking to God all day long for the past week. I hit my knees as much as I can and I talk out loud going down the road. I know for a fact God hears my prayers. He heard me when I shouted "God please help me" when I needed to stop drinking, he heard me beg for mercy when the drugs had me, he hears me every time I ask for forgiveness, he heard me when I vowed before him and man to be true to Becka forever, and he hears me now, begging him to heal her. God is love and mercy, he is the father Jehovah and the creator, the alpha and omega, beginning and end. God is everything, and yes he is the healer. All I want in this world is for Becka to be healed. I don't want fame or fortune, and I don't care about what happens to me, I just need her to be okay, and she will be.

I'm very happy to be reporting good news! I hope it continues for as long as I can type!

We are going to watch "Wipeout" and go to bed. Good night and God Bless you! Please continue to pray for healing!

Day Forty Six

It's Thursday and we just had a great pizza. Spinach parmigiana! Debbie has been cleaning and taking care of Becka all day. Beck is feeling good thank the Lord! I can tell that she's feeling more like herself. I worked all day and ran like a chicken with my head cut off. Some days are slow and others are like today when I have several emergencies, all in different directions. I'm glad that I go to the doctor soon because my sciatica is hurting. It does when I drive a lot. Right now I'm relaxing as much as that's possible these days. Andrew and I are going to Taekwondo tonight. I'm going to early class so that I can watch the last debate before the South Carolina primaries, even though I already know who I'm voting for. I'm voting for Rick Santorum in the primary, and whoever gets the Republican nomination in the general.

The past month has been like a carousel. My emotions have been so extreme that I have felt almost bipolar. I really do have faith in God that he can and will heal Becka. I just don't know when and how he's going to do it so I'm scared. I try to avoid most people during the day and just do my job, because I break down and cry at the drop of a hat. I know that will change when she is in remission, but for now it tears me apart to think about something being wrong with her. I've waited thirty years to meet the love of my life. God reached in and gave her my heart. Before I met Becka, I knew I would never marry again, but God had other plans for me, and she truly is everything to me. I refuse to accept that there is anything wrong with her that the doctors can't fix, and I'm relying on what they have said. They are going to make her well.

God Bless and I'm going to break for now. I'll write more later.

Back from Taekwondo and watching the debate. The Duke / Wake Forest game is a blowout. Duke is puttin' a whoopin' on them. The debate is pretty pathetic, kind of like the Republican nominees. The only one I like is Rick Santorum. Becka and Debbie are watching American Idol, and winding down for the night. When I look across the room at Becka, I can't explain in words the feelings that run through me. I'm so proud to be her husband. I'll never know what she saw in me, because I know there were a bunch of guys chasing her when we met, and she could have picked any of them, but she picked me. I give all credit to God. She accepted me with all of my shortcomings. Trust me, I showed up at her door with a tractor trailer load of baggage, but it didn't matter to her. The biggest part of Becka is her heart. Everyone that knows her is aware that she is an absolute angel. She has a magnetic personality, and if I had to sit in a room for the rest of my life with one person, she would be my choice. I know that I go on and on, but I'll say it again. I can't say in words how much she means to me. She is my life and this is the only life I want, so she has to get well. I can't see it any other say. I have tunnel vision, and at the end of the tunnel is Becka on the beach with the ocean lapping at her feet. I can't wait.

I've been rambling a little, but I needed to write good things because I've been crying a lot, and I want to feel joy again, so I think I'm going to kiss my gorgeous wife, watch the debate and her for a while, then go to bed.

Goodnight and God Bless!

Day Forty Five

Wednesday night and we are watching "American Idol". I think I'm going to bed in a few. I haven't really gotten in to Idol since Simon Cowell left. I need the rest anyway. I just woke up from a nap. Trust me, you know you are tired when you take a nap before bed time! Today has been an emotional day for me and it's taking it's toll. I tried to get as much as I could done, but it seemed like I was running around in circles. I avoided talking to people as much as possible. I just need some sleep.

Becka is doing great today! It's a good day so far. She and Debbie went out to lunch and shopping. The fact that she got out of the house was fantastic! We were up praying and talking very late last night. She doesn't care what stage her cancer is in. She's going to fight until she's cancer free! I don't know or care how long that will be, because it's one day at a time.

Sorry so short but it's a great day and I can't focus my eyes. I'll write some more tomorrow and I'm going to bed. Good night and God Bless!

Day Forty Four

It's Tuesday night and I feel like my legs are jello. We just got home from Taekwondo, and our instructors have some new toys. They have these huge rubber bands with straps on the ends of them to hook around our ankles. We have been running knee-up and kicking drills for the last two days with these tension bands attached, and trust me, my legs have worked every single muscle in them. Becka, Debbie, and Autumn came to watch for a few and say hey to everyone. They were thrilled to see her! I SO Can't wait until she gets back on the mat, and she will. We had a great supper tonight. My mother gave us enough chicken and dumplings to feed the neighborhood, green beans, macaroni and cheese, and chocolate cake. It was fantastic! Several other people have offered to cook for us, and I'm going to take them up on it. One of my Mother's friends told me that if I didn't let her cook, I was robbing her of the blessing. I understand that for sure, so bring it on!

I should have started out with this tonight, but it is what it is. I lied to my wife, and tried to believe something, but I had to tell her the truth today. I told Debbie first, and she prayed all day, and I'm so glad she's here. When Becka first went to the Oncologist, she didn't want to know what stage her cancer was, but I did, so I asked. Later, I told her that it was stage 2, maybe 3, but I've known all along it was stage 4, and I came clean with her tonight. She went to the doctor today, and they gave her some paperwork that said she had Stage 4 Adenocarcenoma on it. I told her it was stage 2 because I thought that if she didn't think it was bad, she would fight more. Tonight I asked her to promise me that no matter what happened, she will never stop fighting this, and she did. I told her that I've known from the start that it was stage 4, and I told her why I lied. The fact is that people recover from stage 4 cancer all the time. I know two personally that have completely gone in to remission. Becka is going to as well, and I promised her I would never lie to her again, although my motives were good. It's going to be okay and so will she. This too shall pass, and God will restore her. The cancer is going away, I believe this with all of my heart.

Please forgive me for not being forthright. My heart can't take much more, and I've been having panic attacks. I didn't know what one was before now, but tonight my wife has assured me that she's going to fight this to the end and win, and that's really all I need to hear. I don't want to hear about "God's will", because no one knows what God's will is in this situation, and I realize that sometimes people say things they don't mean because they really don't know what to say. I know I never have.

God Bless all of you that are praying for her. Please continue. Every prayer counts!

Going to bed....will write some more tomorrow. Night!

Day Forty Three

It's Monday night and we just finished dinner. Debbie cooked and cleaned the kitchen, so I don't have to do anything! Man, we need to buy a HUGE house and all move in together. I worked all day and it was a productive day. I called and made a doctor's appointment for myself next week. I talked to him on the phone and he's going to give me a mild sleeping pill called Trazedone. I've taken it before. It's not habit forming and it doesn't make you sleepy, but one you are asleep it helps to keep you that way, and that's my problem. I wake up every hour on the hour, and I have bad dreams. It's all good. This too shall pass.

Becka is feeling better today! Debbie said she was doing great today and took a nap. My uncle brought her a couple more cases of the bottled water she likes, (Le Bleu). He ran out of gas on his way here so I had to go meet him. I grabbed the water and took off, lol. (I took him some gas). Everyone is still reaching out and I love everyone for it. I'm so glad that Becka is beloved. All who know her,  know that her heart is the size of Texas. God must have thought that I really did something good when he touched Becka's heart and she loved me. Or he might have thought that it would take a VERY special woman to keep me straight. Either way I'm very grateful. Words can't express how much I love the woman sitting on the couch across from me, her feet on the table with pink socks, her blue hat to keep her head warm, and the fluffy throw my mother gave her wrapped around her. I can tell by her voice that she feels better and there is a light in her eyes that hasn't been there for a while. Way to go GOD! I know he's working in her. He has to be with all of the people praying for him to. He loves us more than we are capable of loving, but one day we will understand all of this.

I'm going to Taekwondo in a bit, then I'm going to come home and watch the debate. I know what all of them are going to say, but it's entertaining. Thank you all for your prayers and selfless acts. God Bless you and keep you! We are keeping up the fight!  The cancer is going to lose, it doesn't stand a chance.

More to come......

Day Forty Two

It's Sunday night and Debbie is here! I'm so glad and Becka is too. Today has been a better day I think. I got Becka out of the house and we went grocery shopping. We saved a bunch of money with coupons! Then I dropped her back off at the house and I went to Wally World, AKA Hades. Walmart is not a good place for me. It turns me in to the "Evil Randy". The isles are JUST big enough for two carts to pass each other, so the soup isle is NOT a good place to stop and discuss how your wart is doing. MOVE TO THE SIDE. Okay enough ranting about Walmart, because I could go on and on.

I'm still not feeling well at all. All of my energy is gone so I'm going to bed in about five minutes. I am going to see the doctor tomorrow if I can get in. I'm pretty sure I can. I'm going to see about some new medicine, possibly an anti-depressant. I've been on one before, and I feel like it couldn't hurt right now because I'm still kind of floating around and I want to be as much of an asset to Becka as I can be. She has had a better day and I'm praying that it keeps going that way. Her energy level needs to be up and her pain level down. I SO want my wife to be happy again, and she will be. Good things are worth waiting for, and times like this have made me grateful for everything good that happens. Things I used to take for granted.

Not feeling good so I'm going to bed. Night all and God Bless. Will write more tomorrow.

Day Forty One

Saturday night and we are one short. I took Ruth to the Charlotte airport this afternoon. It was a crazy day. God was watching out for us. I had to run out this morning, but I needed to be back by 11:30 to get her to Charlotte in time to make her plane. It was about 9:30 this morning when I was almost back at our house and blew a front tire. I went in to panic mode, and limped to Merchant's Tire in Clemmons. I asked them to please hurry and they did. They got me out the door at 11:20, and we were on the road to Charlotte at 11:45. Those would say it was a coincidence, but I know that God was looking out for us. If we had blown that tire on the highway, there is no way she would have made her plane!

This is going to be short tonight because I'm having trouble sitting here. I'm not feeling well and I pray that it's exhaustion. Becka has been feeling awful since her Chemo, but I think the worst is over with. I am pleading with God in my prayers for her to start feeling better. It's starting to take a severe emotional toll on her because she's been sick for so long. Before all of this was her hysterectomy. It's been a long time since she felt "good". Every time I talk to God I beg him for mercy on her, and I know it's coming. I guess we will have to be more grateful for the good days, because right now they are few and far between.

It's not the same without Ruth sitting over here or running around the house cooking and cleaning something. I wish we all lived closer together so that Becka and her sisters could see each other more regularly. Debbie will be here tomorrow! Please pray for her to get here safely. She has a very long drive. It's going to be good seeing her again. I just wish they could be here together.

I'm calling it early tonight. We are eating pizza and relaxing. I'm going to sleep about fourteen hours tonight. I'll pick his up tomorrow where I left off.
Good night all and God Bless. Please keep praying!

Day Forty

Friday night and we are watching a movie called "Cowboys versus Aliens". I like it so far but I don't think Becka and Ruth think much of it. It's kind of slow in parts. Anyway, today has been a rough one for Beck. She slept a lot and feels pretty rotten. Her body is hurting in places and the tumor in her lung feels like it's getting hard to her. We think that might be a good thing, like the Chemo is dissolving it. I pray that's the case. I called her doctor today and they told me that today would be the worst day, and she should start feeling better tomorrow. I'm SO ready for her to start feeling better, and so is she. I pray that the weather is mild for the next couple of weeks so we can get out of the house.

Actually the movie just took a turn and everyone is getting in to it. It's not for little ones....(the aliens are scary) I won't sleep for a week. I'm taking Ruth to the airport tomorrow. I know that Jeff and the kids are going to be SO happy to get her back. I hope that Becka does okay with it, even though I know it will be emotional. I'm so glad that Debbie will be here Sunday! I can't wait to get all of them together again in one place! That would mean a lot to Becka. We will have to make it happen.

Movie is over and now we are watching Becka's second favorite show,"Wipeout". Her first favorite show is "The Amazing Race", but the new season hasn't started yet. No matter what, Becka and I are going to walk around the neighborhood tomorrow. The doctor said it is important, but it still depends on how she feels. I think she will feel better if she's outside with her blood pumping, and she wants to anyway. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'll be running all day, so I think I'll sleep all day Sunday. Seriously. I'm game for a twelve hour nap.

I need to say that I'm grateful today. I'm grateful to God for the life I have, for the love in my heart, for the opportunities he has placed before me to serve him, and most of all for redemption and the forgiveness of sin through Jesus Christ.  The knowledge that I will live forever and one day will commune with God gives me hope and the desire to do what he wants me to do, one day at a time. I love him, and I know he loves me.

God Bless all and I'll write more later. Thanks for reading this and keeping track of Becka's progress to being CANCER FREE! She will be, sooner than later, I can promise you that.

Day Thirty nine

Thursday night and I just got back from taekwondo. They gave me another trophy tonight, this one for breaking! I dedicated it to Becka and choked some people up, including myself. All of them know about her illness and they miss her. She'll be back soon! It won't be long before she's kicking and punching again. It's not the same without her. She's sick tonight, has been all day. It's not real bad but the Chemo is kicking in. She's already gone to bed. I just checked on her and told her about tonight. She got some beautiful flowers from my mother and that made her happy! Tomorrow I'm going to walk with her around the neighborhood. The doctor said that no matter how she felt, it was very important to walk as much as possible. I can't say I know how she feels, but I do know my wife pretty darn well, and she feels lousy. I guess it's something that is necessary. I'm going to ask God one day. All will be revealed.

For now, I need to have faith in his plan and know that he is healing her through the doctors and medicines. He has to have a plan more glorious than this for his daughter. One day she will look back and remember that he walked with her through all of this, and give him praise, but for now she's sleeping. I want my wife back Lord, the way she was. I want her to feel good again and enjoy life to the fullest. I want to take her places and see things we've never seen together, and we are going to. I can promise you that! One day she and I are going to St Thomas in the Virgin Islands. We are going to Israel on a Holy Land tour. We are going to Brasil so I can see where she grew up and see her father's church. This WILL happen, I have no doubt.

I'm going to bed to lay down with her. I'm grateful today for my sobriety and for my family. God removed the demons from my life and he put me here to take care of her and the kids. I love her more every minute of every day. I would lay down my life for her if need be. Becka is that special, but if you have met her, you already know that!

God Bless and please pray that the effects of the Chemotherapy don't get any worse than they are.
More to come......

Day Thirty Eight

It's Wednesday night, and I'll try to get the day right this time! Yesterday I jumped from Tuesday to Friday. I think I was wishful thinking. Ruth, Andrew, and I are watching a show called "Storage Wars". If you've ever seen it, you'll know what "YUUUUP" means. Otherwise it's too long of a story. Andrew isn't feeling well. He felt hot but his temperature was normal, thank the Lord. We gave him some Tylenol anyway. No one can be around Becka right now if they are sick at all. Her immune system is way down because of the Chemotherapy. She's done very well with it by the Grace of God! She has already gone to bed because she has no energy, but I'm so grateful that she's not sick from the medicine. It's not over yet, but I think it will be fine. I cooked supper tonight and Ruth cleaned up afterwards. We had lasagna and garlic bread. Everyone seemed  to enjoy it. I took off work today. We were up last night and I was physically and mentally exhausted, plus I wanted to be near Becka in case she had any reactions. I know she was fine with Ruth, but I really don't want to leave her if I don't have to. I've never wanted anything more in my fourty four years of life than I want the medicine to work and for her to be cancer free. It seems like she has been sick for so long and I just want her to feel better.

My nerves are completely shot and I feel like I'm going to crack in half. When all of this is over, I'm going to do something nice for the kids, because I've been walking around with a hair trigger. I'm glad that I can recognize it, so that I can practice some restraint. I'm with Becka for the rest of my life. I'll be by her side through everything we have to go through. I guess I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed, and I've never felt so much fear for so long. Fear of the unknown and of things I have no control over, and that's what's scary. Change is terrifying as well. It is for me anyway. I was in my comfort zone when all of this just whapped us over the head. Becka's cancer came out of nowhere. One second she was fine, and the next she's taking radiation and chemotherapy to save her life. I feel so helpless and I'm forced to trust others. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, and do what I'm supposed to do one day at a time. I'll be completely honest. Even though I've been sober for many years because God removed the desire to drink, the thought has crossed my mind. That might be God reminding me that I can't ever drink successfully again. I can't change my feelings chemically. I have to face them head on, and trust in powers greater than me. I'm praying for God to calm my brain and give me peace of mind. My mind is my worse enemy sometimes. My thoughts are like a bad neighborhood. I don't need to be there by myself, so I'm writing this and reaching out, to you if you are reading it. I can call it anything I want. In the end, the fact is that I'm just scared.

I'm calling it a night, checking on my Baby, and getting the kids to bed. Good night and God Bless! Praying for good thoughts, and for our friend's son who was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

Day Thirty Seven

It's Friday afternoon and I'm sitting here with my Angel, watching them pump six bags of stuff in to her. They started out with benedryl and some anti nausea medicine, then they went to the Chemotherapy. She's taking three different kinds of Chemo and this is going to take about six hours. They are giving her Carboplatin, which is a type of Chemo that is an alkylating agent. It is used to treat lung, breast, ovarian, head and neck, endometrial, esophageal, bladder, cervical, or central nervous system cancers. Sounds like quite a drug. It's also used as a preparation for stem cell or bone marrow transplants. Carboplatin works by damaging the RNA or DNA that tells cells how to copy each other. Normal cells in the body stop dividing when they come in contact with other cells. Cancerous cells lose the ability to stop dividing and continue to grow. The drug Carboplatin causes the tumor to shrink by inducing "Cell Suicide".

The next drug is called Taxol. It is a chemotherapy drug classified as a "plant alkaloid", and it is an antimicotubule agent. It is used to treat breast, ovarian, lung, bladder, prostate, melanoma, and espohageal cancers. Taxol works the same way as Carboplatin by stopping cell division.

Then finally she's getting Aredia. Aredia is a support medication given to treat the symptoms of cancer such as hypercalcemia, or to decrease complications such as fractures or pain produced by bone metastis. Aredia is a bisphosphonate medication used to slow down the cancer from eating away at the bone.

I'm reading as much as I can about my Baby's illness so that I can help as much as possible. I'm so grateful to the super intelligent men and women who came up with these treatments so that she can recover. God Bless them and their work! Ruth and I are switching off with her because only one of us at a time can sit back here with her in the treatment area. Ruth and I just got back a bit ago from a restaurant called "Goody's". We brought Becka a baked potato and some fried mushrooms! I had a philly, and Ruth had a potato as well with some onion rings. Goody's has some Excellent food, so I highly recommend them! Becka is dozing right now which is a good thing. We brought her little DVD player and one of her favorite movies, "The God's Must Be Crazy", and we brought her Kindle, her Ipod, and her computer, so she's all set! I'm going to take a break and run to the house so I'll write more later. God Bless!

It's night time and Becka is doing great considering! She's drowsy but okay! The Chemotherapy is going to work perfectly and destroy the cancer for good, I have no doubt. If she was going to have any bad side effects, she would have already, we hope anyway. Tonight and tomorrow will tell the tale. We all came back to the house and had dinner, then Andrew and I went to Taekwondo. Ruth has been cooking and cleaning every night, so we have been eating like kings! Tomorrow I'm going to cook a lasagna when I get home from work. I'm going to take off a little early, or depending on how Becka is feeling I may take the day off. Autumn says my lasagna is the best in the world, (but she's never had anyone else's, lol). Actually that's not true. We did have lasagna that someone else cooked for us, but Autumn says mine is better. (The secret what I put in the sauce and how much cheese I strategically place in it). I want Ruth to be able to  relax for one day, but I know she won't. If I cook supper she'll be doing something else. I dread this weekend. I know she needs to be with her family, but I so wish she could be here when her sister and mother are coming. I know they are coming to help Becka too, but they've got some big shoes to fill!

I'm calling it a night. God Bless to you all, I really mean that! One day we will be without pain, sorrow, or disease, and be in the presence of the Lord. I can only imagine.
Night Night

Day Thirty Six

Dreary Monday and all is well! It's been a good day overall. I worked all day and I was so busy that the day flew by. I got home to find that Ruth had cooked a ham and mashed potatoes. I could SO get used to this on a permanent basis. We've been working on the house and it looks good, so I can finally relax it seems! I know she's here for her sister, but I can't say in words how much she is helping me and the kids as well. She took Becka to the doctor today so that they could  go over the possible side effects of Chemotherapy. The three of us are going in the morning to her first treatment. They said it will take five hours. I picked up her prescriptions tonight. One is to numb her chest where they put her porta-cath,  and the other is an anti-nausea medicine. People react differently to Chemo, so I hope she does well with it. Chemotherapy has come a long ways in the last twenty years and a lot of other drugs have been discovered to go along with it so that the side effects are lessened. Twenty years from now, doctors will probably look back and say, "Remember when we had to use Chemotherapy"? God Bless those that devote their lives to looking for cures.

I'm praying for a friend of mine tonight. His family is in a different kind of pain. They have helped us and he personally has been there for me every time I needed him to be. I'm praying that God will intervene and make things right. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. I'm SO READY TO KILL THIS CANCER. I want it OUT of my baby. It doesn't belong there, and we are serving it an eviction notice. Tomorrow is the next phase of her recovery, and I know in my heart that she will be in complete remission when we go to the beach! I am SO going to take her there when she gets well.

I'm taking off all day tomorrow so I'll update during the day. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. This is a scary time, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel! God Be with you all!

Day Thirty Five

WOW! I just watched a fantastic football game. The Denver Broncos just beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. It was awesome! All of the people who have been mocking Tim Tebow's faith just ate crow! It's so good to see a guy win that isn't afraid to profess Jesus Christ as his savior! There are those like Bill Mahr who mock God on a daily basis. I pray hard for people like him. One day he will know the truth, but it will be too late. I can't imagine how anyone can be happy in this world without relying on God. I get all of my strength and inner peace from him. If I didn't know the Lord, I would have killed myself years ago, but I was in a lot of pain.

Today has been a busy day! Ruth and I have been working on the house all day. I cooked pancakes this morning for breakfast, then I ran some errands while she helped Andrew in his room. You can actually walk in there now! Afterwards I took Andrew to get some new shoes. His old ones had his toes sticking out the front. He and I picked up some terriyaki chicken bowls and brought them home for lunch. Becka was up and about for a little while today, but she's not feeling well at all. It seems that she gets weaker every day, and hurts on a regular basis. Her body has already been through so much, and she starts Chemo this week. We have to be there Tuesday for her first treatment. I'm taking Tuesday off all day, but Ruth is taking her to the doctor in the morning for a pre-treatment visit. They are going to go over everything with her as far as side effects and what to expect. I separated all of her clothes tonight so that she can find everything easier. It was easy to do because Ruth has been doing laundry like crazy. When she said she was coming to help, she meant it. Autumn asked her tonight if she would stay forever! I know her family is missing her, because I know for a fact that I will when she leaves. Not just because of everything she's doing, but she has a calming presence and Becka has been at ease since Ruth has been here. It's wonderful to see them together. We need to get the whole family together again soon.

I'm hitting the hay early tonight. I'm going to work early in the morning to get a few extra hours in. Please pray for God to remove pain and fear from my house. Thanks so much for everything all of you have done already. We are blessed with amazing family and friends!

Love you, mean it! More to come.....

Day Thirty Four

Saturday has been a FABULOUS day! I went to work for a bit this morning, then I came home and posted so much stuff on Craigslist that the kids thought they were next! We've got stuff sitting around that we will never ever use, and someone else will, so I'm a Craigslist Madman! I came back here and picked up Andrew, then he and I went out to my Father's and shot some guns. Andrew got to shoot a 22 caliber bolt action rifle, a 22 caliber semi automatic rifle, a 22 caliber automatic pistol, a 410 shot gun, and a 380 auto. He had a blast and the weather was absolutely beautiful! It's hard to believe that it's January. I'm not complaining but I would like to see some snow.

I found out when I got home that Becka had been hurting. Ruth took Autumn to the mall to exchange some shoes she got for Christmas, and the love of my life relaxed. I cooked burgers on the grill while Ruth cleaned and cleaned and ......cleaned. She's awesome! I just made some banana chocolate milk shakes, and now it's football time! Playoffs are on! I hope Detroit does well. They've been so bad for so long. They deserve a break!

Not much to report tonight, except for the fact that we are your ordinary American family, but we are living life TRULY one day at a time now. Becka walked up to me in the kitchen earlier, put her arms around me, and told me she loves me. There are no words to describe how that feels. We come closer together every day. I've heard it said that God works in mysterious ways. I tend to think he's pretty up front with us. We just need to open our ears to what he wants us to hear. We belong to him, and if we have any doubt what his will for us is, there is an "Owners Manual" we can refer to! Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them".

Tonight and every night I'm praying for some friends and family. One in particular is battling cancer of the tongue. He has been for a long time, but yet he still declares his faith through the pain. He tortured himself trying to drink some OJ yesterday, but he believes and I believe that God is healing him, and Becka as well. Bad things happen to good people. Both of them are examples of that.

I'm going to fold some clothes and watch football. Becka took something for pain, and we will probably hit the sack early. God Bless and I'll write some more tomorrow!

Day Thirty Three

Finally Friday! Man what a long week. I'm not sure why I'm glad it's Friday because I have to work tomorrow. Let me re-phrase that. I get to work tomorrow! What a blessing it is to be able to work and pay bills! There are a lot of people who don't have a job right now. Times are hard in the Obama administration, but I won't go there in the blog. If you want to know how I feel about Politics, you'll have to read my Facebook. I pray that all of you are able to find a job if you don't have one. I'm blessed to work for a fantastic company that has shown me their heart and soul through all of this. My boss is first rate. He tells me all the time that my job is secure and to concentrate on getting my wife well. I can't tell you what a load off my shoulders that is. HIS boss called me tonight and we talked for a long time. He told me all about the opportunities that the company offers in a situation like this, and he said he was praying for Becka. We will take every prayer available, because I believe God hears them all.

Becka is watching her favorite show. It's called "Wipeout". They pick the most un-athletic people on the planet and send them through obstacle courses while pummeling them in to oblivion. It's really funny! I love to hear her laugh, so I'd push an elderly lady down the stairs if that's what it took. Okay, I wouldn't really. She wouldn't think that was funny anyway. Now if I fell down a flight of stairs, she would think THAT was funny, as long as I didn't break anything. Her lung is swollen tonight and she can feel the tumor pushing against her side. I know it's bothering her physically and mentally. I'll be so glad when the Chemotherapy starts to work and the tumors shrink away. She feels it the most when she lays down, so night time is the worst. God PLEASE heal her. Please let this treatment work and her not have to ever go through this again.

I'm going to have a bowl of Raisin Bran and go to bed soon. Ruth cooked another fantastic meal tonight! It was a chicken recipe with black beans and spices. The chicken was delicious and just fell apart. If you are reading this Jeff, sorry bud. We are keeping your wife.

Becka's head is healing. I expect to see some hair growing back soon. She has a beautiful head though! She can pull off any hair style. Her face is exquisite, so her hair being gone isn't that big of a deal. If her face fell off, THEN that would be a big loss. (I know I've said that before, but I really really mean it). There are some things we just have to accept, so I guess I'll accept the fact that I have a very hot wife, no doubt about it!

Good night all and God Bless!

More to come..........

Day Thirty Two

Thursday night and we just had a brownie party! Ruth cooked another great dinner of roast, carrots, and potatoes, then we had fudge brownies and vanilla ice cream. I think I'm going to explode. Becka said that hers didn't taste right. Nothing has tasted good to her since the radiation except spicy food, so we bought some spicy Korean noodles / Kim chi. The doctor is weaning her off the steroids, so she has less energy than before. The kids are gone to bed and the dogs are wrestling on the floor. Life is good. People ask me how my wife is a thousand times a day. I always stop and tell whoever wants to hear. I'm grateful for the fact that they care enough to ask. No three words have caused more people to be late than "How are you"?  I was told a long time ago never to ask that unless I was willing to listen. I've become a much better listener than I used to be since I don't try to "one up" the person I'm talking to. It all comes down to this......am I listening to the person talking, or am I waiting to talk? Anyway, I'm grateful for everyone who asks me about Becka, no matter how many times I have to relive it.

I'm about to fall asleep sitting here, so I'm going to make this short tonight. Thank you for reading it. It helps me to leave some of my day on here, and you can take it with you. I'm going to go to bed in about five minutes, but I'll write some more tomorrow. Becka is asleep on the couch beside of Ruth. I'm going to take her to bed as well. I was going to paint her toenails tonight, but I'm so tired that I would probably paint her entire foot.

Good night and God Bless!

Day Thirty One

Whew! What a day! It was long but productive, even though I always feel like I didn't get enough done. I'm finally sitting down at ten o'clock at night to write this, and then I'm going to bed. Becka is taking a shower so I'm on the back porch freezing, lol. It actually feels good tonight. I was sweating so hard when I got home from Taekwondo. I wasn't going to go tonight but Master Jung (Young) was there, and I love taking class when he's running it. I feel like I got run over by a truck, but that's good! Keep the blood pumping to the places it needs to go! Taekwondo isn't the same anymore since Becka isn't taking with us, but I'm going to keep on keeping on with Andrew. He and I have vowed to get our black belts, and we are on track to do so....(If I don't tear something up first).

Becka seems to be feeling good tonight. I can't tell sometimes because she doesn't want me to know how bad she is feeling. You know of course that we as men complain about every little pain like it's a heart attack. I can stub my toe and I want to call 911, but she's battling cancer and never complains. I think it's because she thinks about us more than herself. I know my wife enough to know when she's hurting though. I'll be so glad when this is over, and we haven't really gotten started yet. PLEASE pray that the chemo isn't anywhere near as bad on her as the radiation has been. I know that many people go through this. More than I thought really, and many of you as well have had to endure these treatments. I just don't want her to suffer anymore, ever again. I know that as long as we are trapped in this human body, we are going to endure pain. I can't imagine how Atheists make it. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle anything without God. I've proven that time after time. It would seem that this would take a toll on our faith, but in some ways it has actually strengthened it. It's easy to go through life and forget to pray or talk to God when things are great. It's when we are suffering or afraid that we cry out for his mercy. I'll be talking to him every day for the rest of my life, sometimes with tears of joy, and other times with fear and despair.

Becka's sister Ruth took her out to lunch today! They went to Ruby Tuesdays, then Ruth came home and fixed a fabulous dinner. I asked her to stay a little longer than she planned.....like FOREVER! She's so wonderful. All of Becka's family is. Her other sister is coming to stay as well. I can't express in words how grateful I am and what it means to Becka. She really really really loves her sisters and brother!

I'm off to bed for now. God Bless to you all, his mercy and grace upon you always!

Day Thirty

Tuesday night and I just got back from Taekwondo. Becka is on the couch and she's not feeling well tonight. I'm so glad Ruth is here to cheer her up. The radiation really did a number on her. I pray with all of my heart that it worked as planned and she never has to go through that again. I'll say this, and I truly mean it. If I ever win the lottery, half of the winnings will go towards cancer research. After Becka recovers and we get ahead, I'm definitely making the American Cancer Society one of our charities. I never realized what people go through with cancer treatments until I see it first hand. Now, when I talk to someone who has gone through what Becka is enduring, I want to shake their hand. I could never go through this and carry myself the way she is. She's so strong, probably for us. I love her more every second.

Some of you don't know my past, and if you did you would understand how important my life with Becka is to me. This life isn't something I earned. It's definitely God given. I spent twenty five years trying to destroy my body with drugs, alcohol, and every other depravity I can conceive. I never felt comfortable in my own skin, so I tried everything to change the way I felt. From cocaine and lsd, to heroin, alcohol, and pain pills, I lived in another world. I was a sociopath, in the sense that I didn't care what happened to anyone else, because it was all about me and the way I felt. I've been in prison, jails, institutions galore, and nothing slowed me down. NOTHING filled that hole in my soul, so I accepted the fact that I was going to die early. I really didn't care, because I was in so much pain, so one day I hit my knees and cried out in desperation, "God please help me". Not only did he help me, he made himself real to me. Jesus Christ is as real as any person I know. His love flowed through me and filled that hole, and I haven't gone back to drugs or alcohol since he took all the pain away.

As far as women were concerned, they had always been like a drug to me. I couldn't have a healthy relationship because I wasn't healthy, so I sought out those who were sick as well. The whole "birds of a feather" thing. It was only when I asked God to bring me the woman he wanted me to be with, that I met Becka. I knew from the start that I loved her, but I also knew that I didn't deserve such an incredible woman, so I tried to run, but one thing I've learned about God's will is that, when he really wants something to happen, it's GOING to happen! He filled my heart with love, took away my fear, apparently struck her blind, and the rest is history. Becka is my heart. My life with her is the only life I ever want. God knows this, and he's with us always. We pray every night in his son's name for him to guide our lives. I need Becka in every sense of the word, and I think she kind of digs me, lol.

There are two days that I can't do anything about.......Yesterday and Tomorrow. I'm living in today and treasuring every second. If I can give any advice to anyone looking for something that's missing, look up, and you'll find it, no matter what it is. God is everything, and I trust him that he is healing my Angel!

Good night and God Bless! I'll write some more tomorrow, but for now, it's college football and bed time!

Day Twenty Nine

Monday night and all is well! I feel bad about something though. I smoke, (and yes I know I need to quit), but for now I'm cutting back. My shrink told me that I shouldn't even think about quitting right now. Anyway, I don't smoke in the house but instead out the back door. I have our furnace set to pressurize the house, or so I thought, but I realized that some of the smoke was coming in the back door and bothering Ruth and Becka. Ruth is HIGHLY allergic to smoke, so I feel awful about it. I moved my ashtray to the other side of the back yard and I'll be walking across the yard when I smoke from now on. I had asthma when I was young, so I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe. I didn't know that the smoke was coming in and bothering them, but I think that they forgave me. I will quit smoking one day. I hate cigarettes or anything else that has power over me. I tried Chantix a while back, but I had a couple of psychotic episodes, and I "came to" at a stop light while driving one day, so no more Chantix.

Becka and Ruth went to the store today. Beck is feeling good these days! I pray that it lasts. I'm so glad Ruth is here to hang out and take care of her. We have another week until Chemo starts, so I'm going to make sure she enjoys it. Ruth and I made tostados for supper, but I ate Raisin Bran. I think I have an ulcer and anything spicy is killing it right now. I'm going to the gastro doctor next week.

So I guess it's a major praise report tonight! My gorgeous wife is feeling great, looking awesome, and still has the positive attitude that she needs to beat this thing. The Lord is with her and is healing her through the doctors and medicine.

Matthew 9:22
Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart daughter" he said, "Your faith has healed you", and the woman was healed at that moment.

Praise to him and all of his children that are walking through this with us. Thank you so much!

God Bless and more to come.......

Day Twenty Eight

Sunday and it's been a lazy day. We cleaned the house all day in anticipation of Becka's sister coming for a stay! The day seemed to zip by. Becka didn't feel well today. I took her steri strips off and I think it hurt a little, but the tumor in her lung has been causing her discomfort and fear. She still sleeps on pillows to try and get comfortable at night. She hates to take anything, but I'm going to try and get her to take something tonight. She needs her sleep. I understand why the doctors wanted to wait on the Chemo and let her body recover from the radiation, but I'll be glad when it starts, so it can kill the cancer. I know that it's going to be rough, but I'm grateful for the medicine that will save her life and ease her pain.

I shaved my head again today. I'm not going to let it grow back until her's does. I'm glad that I look JUST LIKE Vin Diesel! (Okay I'm laughing too). I'm sure that the cold air would bother it if we ever got any cold weather. It was almost seventy degrees outside today........in January! Unbelievable. It was beautiful but I wish the kids would get at least one snow so that they could sled. It's becoming harder and harder to discredit global warming.

I drove to Charlotte tonight and picked up Becka's sister at the airport! She said that my driving was much scarier than the flight, lol. EVERYONE does ninety everywhere they go. I'm sure that the old lady who wouldn't move over got her car out of the ditch.....(just kidding). I'm so glad Ruth is here! Becka got emotional today thinking about her coming. She's going to be here for two weeks! God blesses us so much through his children. I can already tell she's happier by Ruth just being here! Anything that makes her happy and takes her mind off of the war she's battling is a good thing!

Back to work tomorrow and I'm picking up the kids tomorrow night. Good Night all and God Bless. I'll write some more later!