Day 320

Saturday night and I'm sitting in the Fairfield by Marriott in Asheville NC. Andrew is on the bed behind me and Autumn is downstairs drinking coffee and doing her homework. We had a blast today. We took off early this morning and went to Walmart first. Autumn bought a very nice digital camera last night with her birthday money, and it didn't work out of the box. She charged the battery all night and tried it this morning, only to find that the screen wasn't working. She was rather upset. I assured her that we would make it right, so we went to Walmart, and our friend Kristi was working by herself in Customer Service. It's no coincidence that she was there. God knows what he's doing. She called electronics and got a new camera, then she took the old battery and put it in the new camera to check it. It worked great, so she let us keep the battery and stuck the new one in the other camera. We took off and picked up our rental car. It's a Ford escape and it's nice! I was afraid to drive out van all the way down here. We are going to have to trade for something more reliable soon. Our van has been a trooper! I'm thinking about keeping it for sentimental reasons. The first time I ever met Beck, she was driving it. She jumped out of the driver's seat and ran to me. I remember her holding me for the longest time. The van is part of us, so I think I will fix it up and use it to work and haul stuff. 

We got to Asheville in record time after stopping twice. We ate at McDonalds and we stopped by a store for a snack. The kids and I had a fantastic time today. Autumn took over a hundred pictures. Biltmore is an amazing place because of it's beauty and history. By the time we had toured the house and gardens, we were exhausted. I had planned on taking the kids to eat tonight at a nice restaurant, but they both wanted to come back to the room and eat pizza. Tomorrow, we are going downstairs to eat breakfast, then we are going to drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway. The mountains of North Carolina are fantastic. Then we are going back home because I start back work full time Monday. I'm looking forward to it, but I have so many candles in the fire, and my mind isn't hitting on all cylinders. I just trust in God to lead me every day to do what he wants me to. Today was emotional for me. The last time I was at Biltmore was with Beck and the kids. I have pictures on my facebook from two years ago. We had such a good time then. I talked about Beck to the kids today several times, and I asked them both if it bothered them. They said no. I know they miss their mother, but teenagers handle things differently. I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve these day. I miss Beck every second, no matter what I am doing.

 I'm walking through this and praying that God will make me whole again, but the fact is that I'm broken. We all are, but we are walking together to get to the other side. The kids give me strength, and I give them my heart. They are the closest thing to Beck on Earth. I don't know what the future holds and it's frightening, but they saw that I loved their mother, and the way I loved her, and they saw her love me. I know that it rubbed off, and they love me for it. I will always be a part of their lives, and them of mine. I'm giving everything to God, and praying that his will be done, because it's only if I know that's the case, I will be able to accept whatever happens. I have to live life one day at a time. My years with Becka gave me wisdom and the ability to love others, and they also gave me forgiveness. Whatever God decides to do with me now, I will use what Beck left me in my heart to try and do God's will. He has a life for me. I'm not sure what it is yet, but time will tell. 

I'm so exhausted that I'm sitting here nodding off. I'm going to lay down for the night so that we can get up early. God Bless and sweet dreams. Please pray for God's will to be done in my life. HIS will, not mine. 

Day 319

Friday night and I'm just now sitting down. It's been a busy day. It didn't start out well though. I woke up this morning at four and thought I was at the hospital, so I looked around for Beck. It took me a minute to realize I was in my bedroom, and she wasn't there. Needless to say I started the day off with grief. I went ahead and got up and made some coffee. I have to get Andrew up at five thirty every morning. This morning he wasn't feeling good. He has been having headaches, so I'm limiting his computer time and taking him to the eye doctor. I made some cinnamon rolls for breakfast and fixed him a small cup of coffee, made his lunch, then drove him to the bus stop. We pray together every morning. It's helping both of us. Beck and I used to pray together all of the time, and I think that it reassures Andrew that he will see his mother again one day. I got him on the bus and came back to the house, came out on the back porch and prayed for a while, then I meditated. I'm trying to relax and I just need to get well and back to taekwondo. I will feel much better when I work out, but right now I don't have the lung capacity. The new steroids are working though as well as the Avalox. I'm feeling a hundred times better. 

I hung around the house, then I had an appointment with a CPA / lawyer over some financial stuff. I believe in letting the experts handle business, because I've never been much of a business man. I can make money like crazy, but when it comes to investments, I let more educated people make decisions. I left there and went my Kmart to buy birthday decorations. We had Autumn's party tonight. It went very well. I got her cake from Dewey's Bakery, and if you have never had Dewey's, you are missing out. We decorated the house with pink and purple streamers and a sign that said "Happy Birthday". I wanted to make it special because this is her first birthday without her Mother. Everyone showed up, even my mother who is very sick. Please keep her in your prayers. She wasn't about to miss Autumn's fifteenth birthday party though. Autumn is very smart. She asked for money, and after the party she asked me to take her to Walmart. She's very conservative and saves her money for when she wants to buy something, so when we got to Walmart, she bought a very nice digital camera. It's a Cannon with a 35x zoom lens. She also bought a camera bag and SD card. We are going to Biltmore House and Gardens in the morning, so she can take lots of pics. 

Beck's parents are leaving in the morning. It will be just me and the kids, and next weekend they are going to their Dad's, so it will be just me. I won't be staying here. I'll be going somewhere for the weekend. I'm not ready to be here alone. I know I would just sit around and cry, so why do it. I may go to the beach, who knows. I start work back full time Monday. One of the guys from Food Lion's Energy Department is working with me for a week to help me catch up. He's a friend and he came to Beck's Wake. Food Lion is a family. It's the best company I've ever worked for. I plan to retire from there. 

Not much has changed. I still cry half the day, and enjoy the other half. I guess I should be grateful for that, but I miss her so very much. I miss everything about her, even the sick Beck. I've said it before, I'm happy for her. She's not hurting, suffering, or in fear anymore. She's with the King of Kings, and some day so will I. Until then, my heart is broken, and I am praying for God to fix it somehow. I'm a work in progress, I always will be. Someday, hopefully soon, things will get different, then they will get better.

I pray that all of you have a wonderful evening. I'm going to keep writing for now. It helps me somehow to tell you how I feel and where I am, or else how could anyone help me. 

Sweet Dreams and God Bless. Same time tomorrow I hope!

Day 318

Thursday night and I feel better thank the Lord. I went back to the doctor this morning and they took chest xrays. I have pneumonia in both lungs. I never got over it when I was at the hospital with Beck. I knew I was sick, but not this sick. The doctor put me BACK on prednisone which is a steroid for a week. I'm also taking a very powerful antibiotic and I'm gargling with a solution for the blisters in the back of my throat and my voice box from the pneumonia. It's really showed up in my attitude, but I'm getting better now. I felt better the minute the medicine started kicking in, so much better that I mowed the lawn. I know that's crazy, but I was up all night, and I need to try and sleep tonight. 

I ran around today, visited with my wonderful Mother, and went to the cemetery to visit with Beck. I ordered her head stone first. It's a bronze head stone and it has her picture inscribed in it towards the middle. On the left top is the Brazilian Flag. To the right of her picture is a cross and a sunset. On the right is a picture of our family at our wedding. It has Her, Me, Autumn, Andrew, and Dillon, and on the top right is a picture of a butterfly. Her name is in the middle / bottom. Under that it says Nov. 12, 1964 - Oct. 3, 2012. Under the date on the bottom is Proverbs 31:10 " Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." It's going to be beautiful. Becka was a virtuous woman in every way, so that verse seemed to fit, but there are others that describe her and I can change it before they make it. They are going to send me a proof first. I left the office and went down to her grave. I sat there for a while and remembered the things we used to do together. I talked to her for a long time and I prayed for God to take this knot from my chest. I need to go there and visit, but it is almost too much for me when I'm alone. Every fiber of my being misses her and I can't see that stopping anytime soon. I have a lot to do right now so that my mind is occupied, but she's right there every step of the way. I'm glad she's not in the hospital suffering anymore. I know where she is. It's just that this world is much darker for me now, and I would do anything to hold her hand one more time. I may get past this, but not today, and surely not tomorrow. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. I'm heart broken and it's okay to feel this way. I'm not ashamed of being in love, even to someone who isn't here anymore. I keep waiting on someone to tell me "Get over it". I pray that doesn't happen. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and our time together is precious to me. I pray that everyone will some day find someone to love as much as I love Beck. Most times I still can't believe she's gone, and when it hits me, I cry from everywhere, not just my eyes. The grief comes through my soul and paralyzes me. I know that in time it will get better. The fact is I may not want it to I still have so much of her with me and I'm not ready to let go of it. I may never be. Only time will tell, so for now I'm going to lean hard on God, friends, and family. I need all of you in my life, and I pray that one day you will need me.

I took Autumn to Walmart shopping tonight. I've gained so much weight that my pants don't fit. I look like a butterball turkey. It's okay because I've heard that "Round is beautiful". Okay I made that up. This weight will come off as soon as I go back to taekwondo, which I plan on Monday if this Pneumonia is gone. 

Tomorrow is Autumn's birthday party, and then Saturday we are taking off out of town. I'll keep you informed and take lots of pics. Until then, Sweet Dreams and God Bless! 

Day 317

Wednesday night and all is well. It's been a good day believe it or not. Better than most have been that's for sure. I started off early as usual and got the kids ready and out the door. I give Andrew a ride every morning now. It gives us a chance to pray and talk. I pray for protection on him and his sister every day. They really are fabulous kids. Andrew is the spitting image of his real dad, yet Autumn looks just like her Mom. Every time I look at Autumn, I know that Beck will live on in her. She put her love in both of their hearts. Being their stepfather and loving them has been easy. They are Beck's legacy. I would like to think that I have played a big part in the building of their character. I'm glad that Andrew got to see how I treated his mother, and how she treated me. We really do have a special family, even though Beck is gone, she left enough of herself here with us so that we can remember. 

I took off early this morning to get some stuff done. I bought a new phone because mine was completely worn out. I went to two different Verizon stores, one of them twice, before I made up my mind on an Iphone. I've always loved my Ipod, so it should be easy to figure out. I picked Autumn up at school early, then took her to the DMV to get her driving permit. I was so proud of her! She passed the test with flying colors and I let her drive us home. She did fantastic and we made it safely! Then we came back here for a bit, and we all went to Ruby Tuesdays for supper. She's had a great birthday, and her party is Friday night. 

I think that things have finally caught up with me. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My entire body hurts and the pneumonia is making me mute. I'm going back to the doctor in the morning. I'm going to bed for now though. I love all of you!

Good night and God Bless!

Day 316

Tuesday night and it's been a difficult day. I'm listening to the debate and sitting on the back porch. I went back to work today because we had a meeting, but I'm taking the rest of the week off. I'm late writing this because my internet was down for a bit. It was very good to see my friends and coworkers today, but all day I had to hold everything in as best I could. I try to act like everything is okay in front of the kids. I don't want to put added pressure on them, but the fact is my heart is empty and I have a long way to go. I still can't believe she's gone. I guess I haven't completely accepted it. I know it hasn't been very long, and time will heal, but it seems only yesterday that we were going to beat this cancer. It hasn't even been a year since she was diagnosed. I walk through the house, stand in the kitchen, sit on the bed, and wonder why sometimes. I know there is no "why". It's just my mind messing with me, but it all seems like a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up to find her laying there beside of me again. To say that I miss her doesn't come close. I still feel her next to me at times. I look at pictures and her eyes follow me. I'm sorry but I'm not ready to let her go, even though I have no choice. 

It's become very apparent to me that I need to watch what I say or do. Everything has consequences, and I'm emotional all of the time. I know that Beck is in paradise and I will see her again. I guess I just had other plans for us. My life has been turned upside down and I don't have a clue which way to go. A good friend told me when I don't know what to do, then do nothing. Just do what is right in front of me and give it to God. Another said, "If you are going down the streets of life and come to a fork, take it. If it's the right way to go, I'll learn from it. If it's the wrong way to go, I'll learn from it." Who knows. I probably don't even make sense tonight. I've cried myself in to a headache, but tylenol is working. I start counseling at Hospice Monday. I think it will help me to deal with my feelings. I just miss her so much. Nothing is the same anymore. I know I'm not the first to lose a loved one. I guess people handle it different ways. I let it all out when I'm alone. I talk to her still, and I ask God to carry me through the day. All of my strength comes from him and my friends and family, and I thank God that I'm not alone in this, because many people have to deal with this by themselves. I know from experience that service work always has helped me, so I'm going to the Hospice home and see if I can visit people who don't normally get visits, or volunteer at the Cancer Center. When I first got sober, I went around with a group to local treatment centers to give hope and strength to people who were trying to stop drinking. I need to do that now so that I can get out of my head, but I also know that I have a long way to go in my grief. I just need to get through the day and on to the next one. Beck is gone for now, and eventually I'll have to accept the fact that she's never coming back. I'm glad that I don't have to do it all today. My heart can't take it. 

I had fun tonight with the kids though. I took them all to the mall and let Autumn pick out her birthday presents. I wasn't about to go shopping for a teenage girl so she would be disappointed. I let her pick out some shoes, pants, shirts, and other stuff. She's happy with it, plus I bought her a new phone. Tomorrow I'm taking everyone out to dinner for her birthday right after I take her to get her driving permit. Wish me luck, because I know she will want to drive from there. She's a very good driver, so I'll only take one Zantac! I'm looking very forward to this weekend. The kids and I are going out of town together. We are going to have fun! In the mean time, I'm going to rest for the next couple of days. Today was the first without steroids, so I should start feeling better. My voice still sounds like I've been chewing glass, but I don't need to talk anymore.

As I go back and read my first blog, I remember the feelings I had then, and compare them to now. We really did think we were going to beat it. She put up the fight of the century, and I'll never let anyone forget it. Becka will be remembered forever, of that I'm sure. If I had to do it all over again, there is no doubt that I would. She was worth all of it to me and a thousand times more. She still has my heart. I guess that's why my chest is so hollow all of the time now. God will heal me in time. He still has plans for me. I just need to seek him and find out what they are. 

Going to bed. Sweet Dreams and God Bless.

Day 315 - Home

I have a confession. I love it when I'm attacked by four dogs and they eat my face. That's what happened when I got home today. I miss my dogs when I'm not here. I'm home from a fantastic trip. I have no complaints. It was something I needed to do, and now I'm home. I woke this morning at five thirty, ate a small continental breakfast down stairs, drank a pot of coffee, then hit the road. It was an incredible experience. Arlington National Cemetery did me in emotionally, but today coming home on the plane was the kicker. I got stuck in traffic and thought I might miss my plane, but I prayed my way through it and got there just as they were boarding. I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day because I was running to my next flight. When I got on the plane at Washington's IAD, my seat was the very last at the tail section. I sat beside of a Pilot from Delta who I guess was getting a free ride. We didn't talk much at first, but my hands were shaking from fear and exhaustion, and when I pulled Beck's bible out to read a little, her picture fell out. That was all it took. I wept uncontrollably for a while, staring out the window of the plane. I tried to amuse myself by thinking that the Pilot beside of me probably said to himself, "Oh great, this guys pulls out a bible, is shaking all over, and crying. We are all dead."I thought that he would probably think I was crazy, but he couldn't move. Every seat was taken. I stared out the window then down at the bible and her picture, and I couldn't stop crying. I miss her so badly all of the time. When I finally pulled myself together, I opened the bible to whatever God wanted me to read, and there was Johah. God was saying, "You know things could always be worse." She was the only thing missing on my trip, but I needed to get away and be able to think. Finally the Pilot asked me those three words, "Are you okay"? I thought about coming up with something witty to scare him. We were at twenty thousand feet at the time. What's he going to do? But I told him about Becka and he listened intently. I could see his eyes misting up when I told him about Autumn and Andrew, and how brave they had been through it all. His heart told me that he cared. His name is Frank and he works for Delta. The man listened to everything I said, then he crippled me with his first question. He asked, "You really loved her, didn't you"? I couldn't talk. I just shook my head, kind of like right now. I'm glad I don't have to talk to type, and I'm glad that my voice is gone from the pneumonia so that no one can tell the difference. Frank said the only thing he knew to say at that point. He said, "You know you will see her again". That made me smile inside and God turned the lights back on. I do know that I will see all of my family and friends who have gone on in Christ, and that makes it okay sometimes, but for now I just need to feel what I feel and not worry about who is watching me cry. 

I flew to Laguardia Airport in NYC and went through security so that I could smoke a cigarette. Yes I still smoke and please don't go there. Remember the movie "Airplane"? "I guess I picked the wrong day to stop smoking". I tell everyone who says something about smoking the truth, that if Becka had been a smoker, she would be alive today. Only non smokers get Adenocarcenoma. The Nicotine and the carcinogenics in cigarettes kill that type of cancer. Ironic huh? I will quit smoking one day soon, but not today. I have enough on my plate for four people. I came back in through security and got pulled out of line. They took me over and searched me thoroughly, and when I asked if it was random, they said no, that the scanner picked up something in my bag. Turns out they were looking at my electronic placebo cigarette. It blows water vapor instead of smoke. I'm using it to cut down until I quit. They were fine with it, but the TSA machine picked up gunpowder on my camera case which prompted an entire search of all my bags. It didn't bother me because I know that they are doing their jobs, and doing them well. I explained that I had just taken my stepson Andrew shooting a couple of weekends ago, and I was taking pictures. It made sense to them, so they let me go with a smile and I barely made my plane to Greensboro NC. That plane ride was fun. It was a very small plane and only twenty people were aboard. We had to walk down on the tarmac and take a bus over to board. I sat in a window seat again by myself, and I slept almost the entire flight, but I got some good pictures of NYC. The sky was gorgeous and it felt so good to get back to NC. I left the airport and went to pick up the kids from their Dad, then we came home and unloaded. Autumn and I ran back up to CVS Pharmacy to print some pictures and grab supper from Wendy's. Diet starts in the morning. I ate a Baconater and fries with a chocolate Frosty shake. 

So now I'm home and unloaded. I'm totally exhausted and I don't seem to be getting any better from the pneumonia. I have no wind and can't talk. I'm working tomorrow though. It's my first day back and we are having a company meeting. 

My trip to DC opened doors in my heart and mind. I was so clouded with grief and frustration before I left, but I look back and God surrounded me with people to protect and console me the entire time I was there. I only told two people about Becka. The lady who sat beside me on the way up, and the man who sat beside of me on the way back. Both were Christians, and both helped me when I needed it. The rest of the time I told no one. I didn't want sympathy or consolation. I only wanted to be alone with God, and I was, even though people reached out to me everywhere. I traded taking pictures with people so that I could get in a couple of shots, then I would take theirs with their camera. I ate alone, drove alone, and walked alone. I went where I wanted to and saw practically everything. I was able to pay homage to the fallen at Arlington and truly understand what honor is about. I was in awe of the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, and the WWII monument took my breath. I placed a "For Sale" sign at the White House. (Just kidding. I had to sneak that in). That house is ENORMOUS. It did my heart good. The most powerful man in the world deserves a house like that. The Smithsonian Air and Space Museum was one of my favorites. I actually got to see the Apollo Moon Lander, as well as a nuclear missile. Then the game was the kicker. The Redskins routed the Vikings, and I had a blast with about ten other Redskin fans who BEGGED me to come to their party, but I went back to my pillow topped King Sized Mattress. God knew exactly what I needed. I built a little shrine to Beck beside of the bed when I got there. I cried every time I looked at it. There wasn't a second that went by when I didn't miss her, but I had dear friends reach out to me and they made things right. I couldn't do this alone, no way. I would sit in my misery until I couldn't take it anymore, then probably pursue a path of destruction for myself, but the pain is slowly subsiding and I've had some wonderful moments of late. Becka is in Heaven, and I will be too some day. Right now I need to worry about me and get back in shape. That is a must. There is still love in the world for me. I was so in to Becka for the last year that I didn't see it, but it's all around me. I have family and friends that love me, and my dogs think I hung the moon. One day at a time, I will go through this and realize that I hadn't cried all day. It will happen, just not right now. I miss her, so bad. I can't put it in words. My soul screams out for her sometimes. I have no control over it. I just have to feel it and remember better times. If I can just remember her laugh, I will always be able to smile.

Going to bed and to sleep hopefully. Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 314 The Museum and the Game

It's Sunday night and my voyage is almost over. I can tell you that this has been a spectacular trip and day. I've been so many places, seen so many things, and learned quite a bit about myself. First let me say that this entire trip has been God filled. He has directed me and protected me every step of the way, even from myself. I can't go in to detail about that. Let me just say that I'm not as old and beaten down as I thought I was. Today I got up early and took off for DC. I went to The Jefferson Memorial, then the back of the Capitol Building. I had a hot dog from a vendor, then went to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. It was absolutely amazing. I didn't know that Apollo Modules were there, as well as real cruise missles. I had one problem though and it was my only setback of the trip. I woke with a bit of a sinus headache this morning and couldn't get rid of it, so after the museum, I came back to the room to relax and I took another steroid. I had a couple left over but I was supposed to be off of them today. It took my headache right away. The lack of one in my body probably contributed to the headache. Anyway, I took a short nap, then went to the greatest football game in the world. The Skins won in big fashion, and I met some fantastic people! Skins fans are a family!

 I'm not taking anymore steroids no matter what. They have blown me up to three times my size and I hate it. I've never looked this heavy. I start taking care of that tomorrow. I'm drinking nothing but water, I'm eating healthy, and working out every day on the treadmill and taekwondo. The weight will fall off, I know this from experience. Most of it is from the medicine, so it will go quickly. I'm not vane, I just want to feel better, and I do when I weigh 175 rather than the 206 I weigh. That brings me to the things I learned about myself while here.

Number one, I'm not in good physical shape. I haven't been taking care of myself, but that all ends tomorrow.

Number two, I can be completely happy and serene again. All I have to do is reach out to God and let him direct my day and my thoughts. He kept me busy, and it was just what I needed.

And number three, I'll never do this again. This trip had a purpose, and that purpose is fulfilled. I miss Becka every second of every day, and she was here with me in my heart. Her love surrounded me and I could hear her voice at certain times. She was my soul mate, my angel. The only woman I've ever truly loved, and that's not because I haven't been in relationships with wonderful women. It was because I didn't know how to love until God taught me through Becka. I hear the word "Love" thrown around and I remember when I used to use it to get what I wanted. I'm so ashamed of the way I acted in the past, especially when it came to the opposite sex. I never treated women as equals, hardly ever looked them in the eyes. All I cared about was myself, but then God put me with Becka, I cared more deeply for her than I ever have anyone in my life. Our souls seemed to intertwine, and when she got sick, it seemed I loved her more every day. She regressed in front of my eyes. The deep, intimate, physical relationship we had started to go away, and became something else entirely. I became her caretaker and her friend, but at the same time, when I kissed her and looked in to her eyes at night, I was still her husband. I was still the man who said "Yes", and she was still the woman that chose me. We locked our souls around each other, and when she left me, I was hollow and incomplete. I had neither the wife who couldn't walk by me without reaching for my hand, nor the scared angel who would search desperately in to my eyes for answers that I couldn't give her, but even though I couldn't fix her, she was okay with the fact that I was there, right in front of her, and I wasn't going anywhere. I know where Becka is, and who she is with. I watched him come and take her away. I will mourn her loss for the rest of my life in some way or another, but as I spent this weekend watching families and lovers, I realize that one thing she said to me before she died will come true some day if God wants it to. She told me she wanted me to carry on and remarry some day. I assured her at the time that it was never going to happen, and there was only one of her. Becka was much smarter than I am. She could see the future and remember the past. She knew that one day the love that God gave me through her would have to be shared. If I keep it to myself, it's no earthly good. But for now, I have some "Randy" rebuilding to do. I need to find out who I am, and what I can bring to the table. I have people to help that helped me, kids to take care of, dogs to feed, and a job to do. I still have a life, a wonderful beautiful life, and this weekend reminded me of that. God really is remarkable to me when I reach out and say, "Please help me". Becka still has my heart, and I don't know how I will feel in the future, but I'm not going to worry about it. Life is one day at a time, controlled by God, not me. If there is love out there for me again, it's up to him, because I'm not looking for it. I didn't look for Becka. God did that, and I trust his judgement. I still have the "year" plan in place. I think it's a good idea, but again, that's up to him.

I need to go straight to sleep now. I'm flying out in the morning and I have to get up early to make the plane. God Bless each and every one of you. I love you guys and gals, and I appreciate all of the support about this trip. It has changed me, just as Becka did, in a good way. God is protecting me right now. I met some people at the game, and there is a HUGE party going on downstairs. This entire town is a party tonight since the Skins won, and though the idea is very inviting to go downstairs, I'm staying right where I am, in this huge bed! When I get back, I'm buying some new mattresses, no doubt!

Sweet Dreams and God Bless!

Day 313 The DC Trip

Saturday night and man what a day! I woke this morning at Nine oclock. I never sleep that long, but I didn't wake a single time last night. This bed is the most comfortable in history. I need some new Mattresses. I hopped out of bed and made some coffee, jumped in the shower and got out of the room. I took my rental car to the train station, then rode the train in to DC. I wanted the full experience. I started out at the National Mall, then went to the National Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. I was in awe. I have been all day. This entire day has been spiritual for me. As I walk from place to place and meet people, my attitude has been that of humility and gratitude. I haven't been angry all day. I prayed and walked, and marveled at how beautiful DC is. The Lincoln Memorial is amazing. The History behind it makes me feel very small, yet inclusive at the same time. I can tell you that the only thing missing today was Beck. I missed her horribly this morning as I always do, but I talked to her and God all day out loud. This day has definitely left me thinking, but worn completely out. As soon as I write this, I'm going to bed. 

I went to the WWII memorial and met some people from NC, then I walked across and went to Arlington National Cemetery, and it was there that I was truly taken back. I could feel the history as I crossed the Potomac. I was standing in the midst of heroes. The blood and sacrifice that was shed for all of us was represented there. It is one of the most beautiful and awe inspiring places I've been. I watched the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. I saw JFK's grave, and I walked along the headstones, reading their stories and paying homage to the fallen heroes there. I saw the eternal flame and it went to my heart. 

I left the cemetery, jumped in a cab, and had lunch at a place called "Old Ebbitt Grill". I had the grilled filet mignon, and it was one of the best cuts of beef I've ever had. I ate then had coffee across the street, and headed to the White House. I took pictures of other Government buildings, and I went in an Art Gallery which is part of the Smithsonian, but they said no Pics. I'm going to the Smithsonian in the morning before the game. I took pictures of the White House, saw a jogger get arrested for getting too close, then walked back across the front lawn to where I heard Christian praise and worship music! They were having a tent revival, and it was just what I needed. I prayed, then sang a couple of songs, and I headed out to the Holocaust Museum, but I didn't get there in time, so I'm going tomorrow as well. 

After all of that, I rode the train back to the hotel, chilled the room to sixty degrees, put on my PJ's, and now I'm here. This day was exactly what I needed. I was alone all day with my thoughts and prayers. I only cried a couple of times when I missed Beck, but other than that, I was okay and in total awe. I needed something to take me out of my head, and DC did just that. I guarantee I walked ten miles today. My legs are going to be hurting tomorrow, but in a good way. I took my last steroid today. I'm blown up like a Christmas Turkey! I look like I weigh five hundred pounds. Steroids blow me all out of proportion, but now I'm off of them. I've been on them for two weeks. They also affect me emotionally, so I should feel better as well. My exorcise plan and diet start Tuesday. I'm going to lose thirty pounds before I let up. It's time to take care of myself. Beck would have wanted me to, and I know God wants me to.

I'm deliriously tired, so I'm going to lay across this huge king sized mucho comfortable' bed, (that's Spanish), and sleep. It's been a wonderful, fabulous day. I needed it to be, and God knew that. I guess that's why it was seventy degrees all day.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless! Church in the morning, Smithsonian, then Go Redskins! Love you!

Day 312

It's Friday night and I have to do this quickly. The internet is going in and out at the hotel. We made it to Maryland! I have two pictures of Beck, her cloth bracelet, and our wooden "clinging" cross beside the bed for her. She's here with me in my heart. This is one of the places we were going to come and have another Honeymoon. We always talked about DC in the Fall, so here I am. A little early but just the same. So far everything has been great. God has directed the entire trip. On the flight from Charlotte to Washington, a lady sat beside of me. She's my age and she noticed my hands shaking, then she saw me pray right before the plane took off. When she heard me say, "Amen", she asked if I was scared. I told her that flying is one my biggest fears. It always has been. Of course she threw out the clique that more people are killed in cars than planes. I reminded her that cars don't slam in to mountains or the ground at 300 miles an hour. We laughed. God knows what he was doing. She told me she is a Christian and would pray with me, so we did for a while. It was wonderful. Beck and I used to pray all of the time about everything, so praying together is important to me. God put her in the right place at the right time. I don't know her name and I'll never see her again unless God wants me to, but it was what I needed. Another Christian to share in my fear and pain. I told her all about Beck and showed her pictures. I tell everyone who wants to listen about Beck, and when I tell how she left, it usually changes the life of whoever is listening. Today it made someone cry happy tears, and I'm sure she will never forget that plane ride. 

I'm feeling good tonight. I ate pizza for supper here in my room that I love. When I got to the rental car place, I expected to pick up a little AEON, or something like that. It looks like a "smart car", the one I was SUPPOSED to get. Instead, they gave me a Ford Focus GT five door. It's SWEET. I love driving it! It looks and handles like a sports car, and it's brand new. It didn't help me though. It took two and a half hours to drive from the airport to the hotel. We were going five miles an hour the whole time. It's all good. I'm here and I'm healthy. The room rocks, the car rocks, the flight rocked, and the weekend is going to as well. When I say that Beck and I are going to have a ball, I'm not losing my mind. I'm just not ready to act like I'm alone yet, and I don't have to be. To inflict as much pain as possible on myself at one time when I don't have to, now that would be insane. She's here in my heart, and I don't want her to go completely away yet. I'm not done, and I may never be, and if that's the case, then so be it. My Grandfather never remarried or dated when my Grandmother dropped over from a heart attack in her fifties. She was gone immediately, and when he died decades later of cancer, they found that he never moved anything in the house. All of her jewelry and clothes were in the same place. It was if she never left. Now that won't be me. We have already started cleaning out quite a bit, but I understand why he left it all. He needed to feel close to her because she was his soul mate. Right now, I need that too. 

I'm going out driving my little sports car for a bit. Good night and God Bless. Sweet Dreams! 

Day 311

Thursday night and it's getting colder. Winter is coming. It's been a very busy day, but the days seem to fly by now. Everything is a blur, except for first thing in the morning. It's ironic that "Morning" and "Mourning" sound the same, because they go together. I come outside every morning and watch the sun come up on my back porch, and it tears my heart in two. Beck and I used to watch the sun come over our neighbor's house and drink our coffee. She loved the hummingbirds. It took me a while to get hummingbirds to come to the yard. I put up the feeders and kept red ribbon tied along the top of the fence until we had one hummingbird every day, then there were three. She loved them. She would wear a red shirt and they would fly up to her to check her out. Now in the morning, she's not here, the hummingbirds are gone, and the feeder is empty. I'm not filling it again this year. I don't want them to come back without her here. I can't tell you why. I just don't right now. I see squirrels come in the yard and they remind me of how hard she worked to keep them out of the regular bird feeders. We have two Daisy BB guns by the back door. 

This is going to be harder than anything I've ever gone through. I can't do it by myself. Everything reminds me of her. I thought about grilling corn on the grill outside, and I remember how much she loved it. She would always eat two ears. I knew her so well and she knew me. Sometimes we would sit across the room and just stare at each other, and we both knew what the other was thinking. I know that there are those who would say, "Man up. She's gone. Accept it. Life goes on". I feel sorry for those who would think that. They have never felt the love of another like I was blessed with. I know that many have loved and lost. I haven't until now. This was my first true love. I've cared for others, but I've only loved once. I'll never throw that word around. If I tell you I love you, I mean it. It's in my heart and Becka taught me how to recognize it. Love is the most powerful emotion of all. It builds people up and it cripples them beyond repair. Love dominated me and made me cling to Becka, all the while knowing that she was going away. When she was first diagnosed in November of last year, I knew she was a stage "4". I told her she was stage "2", thinking that she would fight harder, but later she found out the truth and wasn't mad at me. She understood why I lied. With everything I read at the time, and everyone I talked to who knew what they were talking about, I knew she had about a year with treatment. I refused to accept that, and never gave her a time frame in my mind. The thought of living life without her was too painful, so I blocked it out and did what I could to enrich her life and try to get her well. Ultimately, I came to realize that the cancer was going to win. I watched it take her away piece by piece. It was the equivalent of watching someone being tortured to death, but all the way through it, she was a warrior. She never complained. Her head was blistered from the radiation and her hair died, so the weight of it caused severe pain, but she never complained. Instead she just said, "Baby, you need to cut my hair". I was sure to stand behind her so that she couldn't see me cry when I cut it off, and the next night I shaved it with a straight razor. I went from stroking her hair to sleep, to rubbing her head to sleep. I loved both, because I love her. The radiation and cancer caused seizures, and she would start shaking and pass out, but she never complained. Instead she would say, "Baby, don't let me fall", and I never did. A couple of times we had to go to the ground gently, but I made sure she didn't hit the floor. Then I picked her up, told her I loved her, and acted like nothing was wrong. When her hands, feet, and face swelled from the massive steroids that were keeping her brain from swelling, she never complained. Instead I bought her some bigger tennis shoes. When I tied her leg to mine with robe ties in bed so that I would know if she was going to try and sleep walk, she never complained. She just put her feet on mine and acted like it was a game, and when she couldn't use her hands anymore to take care of herself, she never complained. Instead she just said, "Baby, please don't leave me alone", and I never did.

I don't know when I'll stop crying, maybe never. I don't know when I'll be able to watch a sunrise and not break down until mid morning, but I have faith that one day I will. Today I had to go to the funeral home to pick up the "Death Certificates". I called my friend Laurie on the way. I needed to hear a friendly voice, and she picked me up. She always does, as do all of my friends. I really am blessed in that regard. While I was at the funeral home, they handed me an envelope. In it was the string bracelet that Becka wore for a long time. She wore it every day and night because it was tied around her wrist. I didn't know that they took it off of her, but it's mine now. It's going everywhere with me. I brought it home and showed it to her Mom. We had a good cry together, if there is such a thing.  There are many parts of Becka that stayed with me. She left her love and compassion for others, her desire to live life to it's fullest, and the dream for the kids to have a better life than we did. I will keep all of that alive to the best of my ability. Right now I'm just doing what is right in front of me. Tomorrow I'm going out of town where no one knows me, and for a couple of days it will be just God, Her, and Me.
I think it will do me good. I'll write from there and post pics of the Nation's Capitol. Until then, I'm here alone in my heart, wishing on something that isn't going to ever happen again. Life will get different, then it will get better. For now, it's just life on life's terms, and I have to go through this. Please keep walking with me. I need all of you now more than ever.

Sweet Dreams and God Bless.