Day Eighty Seven

It's Wednesday and things are fantastic! Becka is feeling good today! She drank her boost and ate some Chinese  food tonight, and she's had no nausea or pain. God is truly good! I've got my wife back for now! It's like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders and heart because she is feeling better. I've prayed so hard for it, and now I see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. She is so tough! She really should have been a UFC fighter for a living! (She's got a great roundhouse kick).

I called her all day today and I probably got on her nerves, but I just needed to hear her voice. It's so clear and responsive now, even comedic and sarcastic at times! Wonderful!! The chemo is doing it's job, and so is she. She takes fantastic care of herself, drinking tons of water and juice, and eating what she is supposed to when she can eat. She doesn't take any medicine when she's feeling good except her Nexium and sleeping pills. I have an addicts mind so I can't understand that, lol. I would be on my eighth or ninth bottle of vicodin. She is still on her first. Subsequently, no matter how much pain I'm ever in, I will NEVER put another vicodin or any other Opiod in my body. They should only be used for people with chronic pain, cancer, or other diseases, but I used to take them for a headache. I blame the doctors for part of that. Some of them live and die by their prescription pads.

Today can be chalked up in the positive column, and I'm grateful for it. Every day means so much to me now. Life has changed beyond belief. I used to be such a complainer. I would talk about the worst part of my day. Now there are no bad parts, only more difficult ones, but every day with her is a wonderful day. Every day that I can hear her voice, kiss her gently, reach out and touch her, and feel her presence, that is a good day no matter what happens. I never dreamed I could love another person this much.

Her Parents are moving in their new house and bought a car! I'm so happy for them. I hear they are getting a new bedroom suite too! Everyone knows how much joy is associated with a new bedroom suite. The bible says that in Heaven, all things are new. I love new things, I think everyone does. I can see it now, walking through Heaven and someone asks, "What are you eating"? I'll say, "I don't know, but it's new"! "Is that a new suit you are wearing? New hairstyle? Sorry I got off track, but according to the bible, Heaven is going to rock, and we will all be there together with the King of Kings!

Becka is laying down taking a nap because the season finale of "Face Off" comes on at Ten oclock Eastern Standard time and it's one of her favorite shows. I'm too jacked up on steroids to think about sleeping. I have ten days of it left, but it's working! My back and my elbow quit hurting. Getting old is the pits, but the experience that goes along with it is priceless. I do believe that every once in a while, the kids actually listen to what I'm saying. Go figure! My son Dillon has moved back to Winston and has an apartment. He came by tonight and had dinner with us, and he's going to take Taekwondo! I'm glad he's closer. I've missed him dearly, but don't tell him that, lol! He adores Becka. I think that is one of the biggest reasons he moved back, because he has come by to see her every day since he got here. He knows, as does everyone who knows her, how special she is. I've met so many people in my life. Some were influential in my self destruction, and others pulled me from the Gates of Hell and put my feet on the right path. I've learned from all of them, and I pray that they all know the Lord before they leave this place. I hold no resentments today. Life is too short, and that's not a cliche'. It really is. God has loved me enough to save me, so I should try my best to love the way he wants me to. I don't have to try to love Becka, but I'm going to have to give it everything I have to love Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and any active abortionist. I'll keep praying!

Thanks as always. I hope that you know I mean that. I know that a lot of you pray for Becka and Me every day. Some of you have given of yourselves so that we can have, and I will never forget it. The prayers are the most important though. God hears all of you and loves all of you. Please keep it up!

Good night and God Bless! If you are up at Ten, watch Face Off on Sci Fi! It's a fantastic show!

Day Eighty Six

It's Tuesday night and things are good! Becka went to the doctor today for blood work, and her blood counts are excellent! Her white cell count is slightly down, but otherwise things are fantastic! She's feeling good and eating. She actually drank some milk today! God is good! Thanks so much to our wonderful friend Kristi for taking her to the doctor, and to Fabulous Fern for coming over and sitting with her. We wouldn't trade our friends for gold.........well maybe gold........or cash money!

We were blessed today by my employer. I work for Food Lion, and they have a foundation called Lion's Pride, that helps out employees in need, and they really came through. I can't say enough how wonderful of an organization Food Lion is, and how much I love my job. I try every day to do the very best I can for them, because ultimately I'm working for God. He owns everything anyway, and he is the one who gave me the wisdom and skill to do my job. No matter what happens, I have the best life I could ever hope for. It's the only life I want. The absolute love of my life is on the couch and she's feeling good tonight. That is all that matters to me right now. I think of the parents who lost their children in the school shooting the other day, and I have no complaints tonight. I pray for their hearts and souls. I don't think it's possible to know their pain. No matter what Becka is going through, their lives have ended somewhat, and they will have to start all over again if they even can. I had a very dear friend of mine die when I was a teenager. I had a lot of friends die because of the crowds I was associated with, but she was special. Her name was Heather Miller. She died in a head on collision on Peacehaven Rd in 1987. She was seventeen years old. I went to her funeral and her father embraced me and asked me what he was supposed to do now. I didn't have an answer for him. He killed himself three months later. I guess he figured it out himself. I still feel the twinge of despair when I think about her and all of the other children that have died without ever knowing what life was really about, and I used to wonder why God kept me alive. I tried for so long to destroy myself. I would wake up in my truck and the engine was still running, and I didn't remember driving home. I would inject so many drugs in to my body that I would hit the floor and blood would shoot out of my nose, and every time I knew that my heart was going to explode, but it didn't, and I got up and fixed myself another hit. I could go on and on, and I knew that I was never going to see the age of thirty, but God had another plan for me, and now I know what it is. I'm living it now, repenting of my sins, thanking him for every second I have left with this wonderful woman, and praising him for touching her heart and letting her see past the facade and in to my heart. She chose me to be her man, and I'm going to do everything I can for the rest of my life to convince her she made a good choice.

I'm going to the store to get her some Boost and some juice she likes. God Bless all of you and don't forget to hug your kids please, and don't take this the wrong way, but if you see a child that is acting peculiar these days, please intervene. It's better to be wrong and a little embarrassed than to be right and do nothing. I tell myself that I would know if one of our kids was going to kill his classmates, but who am I to say. I guess I will just have to do my best as a father, talk to my kids, and direct their lives rather than be an observer.

Good night!

Day Eighty Five

Monday night and things are much better! Becka has been feeling better all day. I took Andrew to school this morning because he had a concert to go to, and Autumn stayed home with her. I worked all day and I called here every little while to check on her. I think the worst of it is over until next time. At least I hope so. It doesn't get much worse than last night. Life is truly one day at a time, as it should be. This entire experience has taught me to enjoy and cherish every moment together.

We are watching the Daytona 500. It's exciting so far. Becka wants to watch a show at 8:00, and there is no way I'm going to be able to stay up and watch the entire race anyway. I'm exhausted. I can see myself going to bed in a bit. If you are reading this, and you are free tomorrow morning for a couple of hours, please let us know. Becka has a doctor's appointment and I'm taking her, but if anyone else can I will go to work early. She won't be there long. They are just drawing blood.

Thanks for everything as usual! God is good, all the time. If anything changes I'll update, but for now I'm grateful. The light is back on in her eyes and she went to the mall with Autumn and me earlier to get Autumn some pants. ANYTHING like that is good!

God Bless!

Day Eighty Four

Sunday evening and things are back to normal somewhat. Becka has been sick all day, and tonight it came to a head. She started violently throwing up and passed out in my arms. I hold her every time until she comes back around, and she's scared because she doesn't know where she is. She's resting beside of me now. I gave her an anti nausea pill and a sleeping pill, and I'll keep an eye on her all night. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. It all depends on whether I can find someone to come stay with her. No matter how good she may be feeling, she can turn quickly, and she can't be here by herself. I may ask Fern if she can come sit with her for a while so I can go get some work done, but still I don't want to be away from here. It's terrifying when she passes out. I just hold on tight and pull her to me until she comes back around, then I tell her it's alright so she will know what's going on. Her legs are still hurting her and she can't keep them still. The chemotherapy is causing her muscles to contract and ache. She has eaten a little today but not much. I think that the pain medicine is making her a little bit sicker as far as her stomach. She had acid reflux today as well, so I gave her a Nexium.

She's comfortable now I believe. I pray that she sleeps all night. I'm going to set my alarm to wake me up every couple of hours so I can check on her, that is if I go to sleep. I want to make sure she doesn't get sick in her sleep or wake up sick and not be able to tell me. I would call the doctor, but this is normal for her after treatments. It's hard to accept that the new "normal" for her is to be sick all of the time. I hope she holds on to the last time she felt GREAT, and remember it so that she will know what is coming soon we hope. I can't tell you how it hurts my heart to see her this sick, but at the same time be filled with love and purpose because she needs me, and I'm right here where I belong. Taking care of Becka is not a chore for me, or a cross to bear. It's a blessing and an honor. I get to show her through my actions how much I adore her. As long as I'm taking breaths, I won't leave her side. My dilemma is work. I have to make money so we can live and I can't be here at the same time. I'm praying hard that God will make a way. He knows our needs and he loves us, so I'm expecting him to come through. I've always said that an expectation of another human being is a premeditated resentment, but an expectation of God is based on his Word. He will make things right.

I'm going to keep an eye on her and maybe catch some shuteye while she's sleeping. God Bless all of you. Thank you for everything! All of you have really come through and then some. Becka won't forget it, and neither will I. Love you!

Day Eighty Three

Saturday night and things are much better! Becka has been feeling better than she did last night Thank the Lord. She's still in pain and not up and about. Her legs have been hurting her but she's been eating today. The nausea is gone as well. I pray that she's out of the woods from this chemo treatment. She's already gone to bed for the evening. I tucked her in and gave her a pain pill. I've been massaging her feet and legs, but she can't seem to get comfortable. Her muscles are contracting. Chemotherapy is wicked stuff, but if it's killing the cancer and saving her life, it's worth it. As long as she's not nauseous, things are better.

Today has been a long day. I had to work late last night, then woke up at 3:00 am and took my Mother-in-law and Father-in-Law to the airport. They got home safely. I hated seeing them go and didn't know how emotional I would get when they left. I can't express in words what it meant for them to be here and how much they helped. Everyone involved is hurting and we all have skin in the game. There is no way I could do this alone, so I'm very grateful for the help. I know it's for Becka, but we benefit from it just as much.

I didn't know how exhausted I was until today. I laid down for a long nap this afternoon, and I really haven't done anything else today. I'll clean tomorrow. I also decided to suspend my diet for one day, so we ordered pizzas from Dominos. We had a pepperoni, a spinach parmesan, and a cheese with half pineapple. It was heavenly, especially the spinach, which is Becka's favorite and she ate some. Now I'm fixing brownies and I bought some vanilla ice cream to go with them. The kids can smell them from upstairs! I'll go back on my diet tomorrow.

God is everywhere, and he is here for sure. I prayed last night for her to feel better today and she does. I know he has a hand in it. He has a hand in everything. That is why I'm wondering how much he thinks she needs to go through. It doesn't make sense to me. If I went to the doctor and he said that I have cancer, I'd say, "It's about time". She's never done anything to deserve this. I guess that is one of the things that makes it so hard. Becka is so wonderful and beautiful in every way. She's down, but she's not out. We are going to fight this to the end, and win.

Thanks for all of the prayers! God Bless and see you tomorrow!

Day Eighty Two

Friday night and I'm finally sitting down. I worked thirteen hours today. I'm glad because I need the hours, but Becka has deteriorated all day, and tonight she is very sick. She kept texting me at work telling me to hurry home, and I did as fast as I could. She had already gotten sick, so I held her and gave her some medicine. When she is this sick she can't think straight, so I have to tell her what to take. I gave her a pain pill and a sleeping pill so she can relax, and now she's asleep. I'll be watching her through the night, and I am taking her Mom and Dad to the airport in the morning, so tomorrow will be a day of rest, (after I get home from work). She is running a low grade fever tonight. Her legs and stomach are cramping, and she is nauseous. The cure is as bad as the disease sometimes.

I hadn't planned on working this late, but I had an emergency come in this afternoon. Some of you know that Im a Refrigeration Specialist for a grocery store chain. I oversee ten stores, service and repair all of the Refrigeration, HVAC, Electrical, Plumbing, Energy Management, Food and Deli Equipment, and general maintenance. Just about the only thing I don't do is change light bulbs. (We have a company that does that). One of my stores lost power today along with the rest of the shopping center, and the power company didn't get it back on for six hours, so we had to shut the store down, bring in a refrigerated truck, ice down the product, and wait. Once the power came back on, I rebooted all of the systems and checked to make sure everything came back on, then helped them put the store back together. I had Beck on my mind the entire time, and I prayed my way through it. I love my job very much. I just need to be here for her when she's this sick, so I'm glad they work with me the way they do. They really are a fantastic company, and I have a great team and an even better boss. God has truly blessed me there!

Now I'm looking to God to make her feel better. She's been sick for long enough. Becka is so vibrant and full of life, and now she's incredibly sick, but her head is still up and she's going to get through this. WE are going to get through this together as a family. My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest. PLEASE God let these treatments be worth it. PLEASE let them be working. I keep wondering if there is anything I'm missing, anything else I can do. When I hold her while she's crying, scared, and sick, I feel so helpless. I would trade twenty years of my life for her to be in remission. Or more.

Going to get some shut eye. 3:00 comes early. They have to be at the airport at 4:30am. Good night all and God Bless. Love you all!

Day Eighty One

Thursday evening and this is going to be very short. I've had a piercing headache all day, so I took off work early and came home to lay down, and when I finish with this, I'm going right back to bed. Things are good on Becka's end though! She has eaten great all day and she's in bed sleeping comfortably. Sorry this is so short but I feel awful. I think it's sinus. God Bless and I'll post tomorrow!

Day Eighty

It's Wednesday night and I have praise reports! Becka slept all night thanks to the Grace of God and modern medicine. She has a fantastic doctor who listens to her and cares about his patients. So far so good. She had eight hours of Chemotherapy yesterday, and she's feeling good today. We all had supper as a family, which I love by the way. We had vegetable beef soup. Becka had vegetable soup, and she made some cornbread. It's wonderful to see her eat and enjoy her food. She has another chemo treatment in three weeks, and they will do a scan at that time. EVERYTHING depends on that scan. Please pray that the treatments are shrinking the tumors. 


I moved to the back porch so that the solace will allow me to put my thoughts in to words. I heard a fantastic sermon today from David Jeremiah on "doubt". I've had many doubts in my life and in my walk with God. Pastor Jeremiah said to express them, then pray about them and give them up to God. Do I doubt that God will heal Becka, do I doubt that he can, do I doubt that  Christ was God as a man and is the only way to God. The answers to those three questions TONIGHT are no, but I have to admit that through all of this, sometimes I have doubted God. It's okay though, he can take it. God holds no offense towards his children. He is big enough for me to get mad at sometimes because he knows that I'm trapped in this human body with these human emotions and I'm being attacked at all times by the enemy who wants me back. Satan's greatest weapon is doubt. If he can make us believe that there is no God, he has us and he knows it. The difference is that God is omnipresent. The breeze that just swept through my hair and sent fantastic tingles down my back is God telling me that no matter what happens, it's going to be okay, no matter what. 


I was talking with a very good friend of mine yesterday who is actually one of the men who helped lead me to Christ. He is having personal troubles, and it reminded me that sometimes I may be oblivious to what is going on around me, and I'm not the only one hurting right now. Everyone has their cross to bear, and I need to reach out more and help rather than be helped, because if I can enrich someone else's life, I've done God's will for me. He wants us to love each other unconditionally according to his word, and I've been way too slow to forgive. I need to remember that if my savior can pray for those who tortured him, mocked him, then crucified him, I can forgive those who wrong me, and I can put myself in a position to help them, no matter how wrong I may think they were. I feel sorry for those who are living in a broken marriage, existing together but not loving each other. If only they knew that I will do anything it takes to have more time with Becka. I need years with her that only God can give, yet some people are miserable and they have each other within reaching distance. It's time to come together for everyone of God's children. It's time to put away our differences and look at our similarities. It's time to pray and worship together, and love one another like never before. Time is something we don't have, none of us. Our time could be over tonight, and what we do with every second is important. I'm going to spend the rest of my life letting Becka know how wonderful she is to me, and how I need her clear down to my soul. I'm going to let God know every day that he is number one, I love him with all of my heart, and I'm grateful for the life he has given me. The way I let him know that is the same way I let her know, through my actions and words. Everyone, including me, always remembers the one bad act of someone, and forgets the ten good ones. I am trying my best to look at everyone through God's eyes and see the beauty in them. Life is so very short, too short to hate, argue, complain, covet, or resent. If I don't have it in me to love, then I am going to pray that God gives me what I need, because ultimately when I'm upset with someone else, they are not to blame. There is always something wrong with me. How and when I react is all that is important, and if God will give me the one thing I truly desire, I will make the best of it, and that one thing, is Time.


I'm still praying for my Mother and Stepfather. Their loss is incredible. Everyone who has pets knows what they are going through right now. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. My Mother is an angel. She stood by me and kept me alive when others had written me off. My stepfather is more like a father to me. He is an incredible, God filled man. He is the best thing that ever happened to my mother, and I know for a fact that God brought them together. If you want to see unconditional love between two people, all you have to do is look at them. I have modeled how I treat Becka after the way Steve treats my mother. I love them both very much indeed!


Good night and God Bless. I'm going to watch the debate and go to bed early. Thank you, so much!

Day Seventy Nine

It's Tuesday night and all is well. Becka had eight hours of Chemo today. The doctor said that he is thrilled with her blood counts and the way she is doing! Beck's Mom was with her today and met her doctor, so I'm sure it meant a lot to her for him to give such a great report. She is super strong I'm telling you! There is no way I could walk through this with such grace and selfless character. I am truly in awe of her. She hasn't been sleeping at night so he gave her something for that, and he also switched her pain meds to a smaller pill that she can swallow, but she never takes anything hardly. You can tell she doesn't have the "addictive" gene that I have. I would have already polished off all of the pain meds and would be working on my fifth or sixth bottle. The doctor of course noticed all of the weight that she has lost, but said she doesn't need her iron pills because her blood counts are so great!

I had a meeting today at work that went great actually. Afterward they took us all out to lunch and I broke my diet with a steak. When I got back to Winston, I called and found out that Beck's Mom had gone to get Autumn at school, so I went to the hospital to be with her. I walked in and they were finishing up her Chemo, so I loaded her in the truck and we came home. Becka has made some friends there, one in particular is always getting chemo on the same days as Becka. It's a fellowship of warriors. I would compare them to a group of Navy Seals. They are all in this together, and they are fighting for their lives. They are the strongest, bravest, most passionate people I have ever met. Becka has the type of personality that people always migrate to, so naturally she is nurturing others in their times of fear while dealing with the same things they are. Just one of the reasons why I love my beautiful wife so much.

I'm cutting this a little short because I have a headache and I'm hitting the sack early. Becka is doing good tonight so it's another great day in the books! Please if you will pray for my Mother and Stepfather. They are grieving the loss of their cat that has been in the family for eighteen years. She was a wonderful cat, loving and kind and a fabulous example of God's unconditional love. Her name was Angel, and if animals are in Heaven, I know that she is there. I know they are hurting and missing her, so please keep them in your thoughts.

Good night and God Bless.

Day Seventy Eight

Monday and business as usual. Becka is sick tonight even though she ate the Subway sandwich I brought her, so I gave her an anti nausea pill. She will probably go to bed soon. I'm going to adult Taekwondo class. Today has been an emotional day. I gave several people updates and it got to me. I think they knew it so they changed the subject, but I'm grateful that people really do care. Another emotional moment for me today was when I got home. I'm starved for affection and I'm not ashamed to say it. Becka and I have always had a very physical relationship, in the sense that when she walks by me, I always have had to reach out and touch her. We kiss every time we leave each other and when we return, and when we are in public, we have always held hands or stood arm in arm. Those things aren't something we had to think about, they just happened. It was subconscious most of the time, but ever since she has been sick, it has changed understandably. When I feel bad, I don't want anyone around me, and she has been sick for a long time. But today when I got home, she put her face against mine and told me she loves me. I can't express in words how that felt and how I'm going to carry it with me the rest of the day and in to tomorrow. I pray that all of you feel the same way about another human being as I do about Beck. We truly became one when we married. She is absolutely the best part of me that I can't live without. Everything is depending on her getting well.

I picked up the kids tonight and brought them home. They both gave me a hug when I saw them and I needed it. It's amazing to be loved and respected and depended on by great kids. They love their Mama, that much is for sure! I'm going to taekwondo and will write some more when I return. Peace!

Just got back from class and Becka is still up! She's watching "The Voice". Her feet are so small these days. She's never had big feet, but she's lost so much weight that they are skinny. I'm her foot stool by the way, and that's by choice! I love any kind of contact from Beck, even a poke and a dirty look when I'm a dork, lol.

Please say an extra prayer for her. She has chemo for eight hours tomorrow. I have a meeting at work, so I'll have to cheer for her through text messages. Her parents will be with her. I hope I can find something funny to send her a picture of. I guess it all depends on whether or not I make it to Walmart. I think that is where Jeff Foxworthy got all of his material!

God is good all of the time. One day I will understand all of this. Until then I'm trying to be grateful for the good that comes out of it. I know that we rely more on him than before, we definitely pray more than ever, our families have come together for one common goal, and our marriage is stronger than it ever has been. We have the kind of love that they write about, the kind you can see and almost reach out and touch. I really can't explain it because before I met Becka, it didn't exist for me. She's my angel, and I belong exclusively to her.

Thanks everyone and God Bless! Same time tomorrow God willing!