It's Monday night, March 4, 2013. Today was a big day for me. I believe that I turned a corner, even though I dreaded this day. I am grateful for the peace I have in my heart tonight. I think it had to do with some closure. They placed Becka's headstone today, and when they called me, a terrible feeling of dread came over me and stayed with me until I got to the cemetery. I came home and picked up Autumn, Andrew, and Dillon Lahaie, and we all went together. I must say it was very emotional, especially watching Autumn bend down and arrange the flowers on her mother's grave. A bunch of memories flooded me, and we all started talking about their Mom. I think we needed it, and God knew it. That sense of dread left me, just like when she left us. I have prayed for peace, and God has given me much more than that.
For me this was about the end of the journey for now. Looking at the headstone made it very real, and complete. I want to thank all of you for going on this journey with me. I may start writing again, but it will be on a different blog. This is the last post. I love you and God Bless you. I won't forget how you carried me to where I am today.
Randy Patton
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, November 16, 2012
Alone
I needed to write tonight. I hope you don't mind, but I'm a ball of emotion and I have been all day. I guess it helps me to see how I truly feel by writing it down and looking at it myself, so here goes. I woke this morning and, as always, realized that Becka wasn't there, so instead of getting upset, I became angry, and I stayed that way all day. The funny thing is that I didn't take it out on the kids or anyone else. I kept it bottled up all day until tonight. I usually pray in the mornings. This morning I skipped it because I really didn't feel grateful for anything. Don't get me wrong, I have loads to feel grateful for, but I get tunnel vision when it comes to Becka, and I'm really P.O'd that she isn't here anymore, so basically I wasted a whole day being angry until I got to the cemetery. That is when the flood gates opened and I wept for the longest time. I didn't stop on the way home either, and when I got home, Dillon asked me what was wrong and all I could say was, "I miss Beck".
I've made a decision to go through the grieving process. I've tried my best to avoid it, but I only cause myself more pain. I've been putting myself in positions to get hurt, knowing what was coming, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel differently, even normal again, but I know now that I won't for a long time, if ever. Beck was and is part of my soul. She was in every aspect of my life. My whole life revolved around her, and now that she's gone forever, I feel like I'm floating around from place to place. I know I have plenty of support, but I tend to isolate because I think I can handle things myself. I've always kept people at arms length because before Beck, I was let down so many times. I would give of myself as much as I could, but ultimately I would get hurt and it caused resentment. Then I met Beck, and I opened myself up to either be loved, or be destroyed. Luckily God knew what he was doing when he placed us together. She protected my heart to the grave, and when she told me she loved me, I believed her because she meant it. Now that she's gone, I fear that I will never experience that again. I have to give it to God and let him handle it for me, but I'm nowhere near ready to move on. I can still hear Beck's laugh and it tortures me. When I lay in bed at night, I reach over to her side, but there is nothing there. She's all through the house and at work. I'm always saying, "That is what Beck liked", or "Beck and I did that". I can't get away from it, and God knows I've tried. I have to face it head on, and realize that there is life for me still, and happiness again.
I loved being a husband. I loved everything about being married. I told Dillon tonight that I even miss arguing with Beck, because I knew we would make up. I keep memories of our early years at the front of my mind, and I treasure them. She was everything to me, so it makes sense that I won't be okay in a month and a half. Time is so precious, but I wish with everything in me that I could either make it go forward six months or backward six months. I hate where I am right now.
I'll end this here. I hope I didn't depress you too much. I guess I just needed to say where I am right now.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless
I've made a decision to go through the grieving process. I've tried my best to avoid it, but I only cause myself more pain. I've been putting myself in positions to get hurt, knowing what was coming, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel differently, even normal again, but I know now that I won't for a long time, if ever. Beck was and is part of my soul. She was in every aspect of my life. My whole life revolved around her, and now that she's gone forever, I feel like I'm floating around from place to place. I know I have plenty of support, but I tend to isolate because I think I can handle things myself. I've always kept people at arms length because before Beck, I was let down so many times. I would give of myself as much as I could, but ultimately I would get hurt and it caused resentment. Then I met Beck, and I opened myself up to either be loved, or be destroyed. Luckily God knew what he was doing when he placed us together. She protected my heart to the grave, and when she told me she loved me, I believed her because she meant it. Now that she's gone, I fear that I will never experience that again. I have to give it to God and let him handle it for me, but I'm nowhere near ready to move on. I can still hear Beck's laugh and it tortures me. When I lay in bed at night, I reach over to her side, but there is nothing there. She's all through the house and at work. I'm always saying, "That is what Beck liked", or "Beck and I did that". I can't get away from it, and God knows I've tried. I have to face it head on, and realize that there is life for me still, and happiness again.
I loved being a husband. I loved everything about being married. I told Dillon tonight that I even miss arguing with Beck, because I knew we would make up. I keep memories of our early years at the front of my mind, and I treasure them. She was everything to me, so it makes sense that I won't be okay in a month and a half. Time is so precious, but I wish with everything in me that I could either make it go forward six months or backward six months. I hate where I am right now.
I'll end this here. I hope I didn't depress you too much. I guess I just needed to say where I am right now.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless
Friday, November 9, 2012
Day 340 - The End of the Journey
Friday night and it's fitting that I'm alone. The kids are at their Dad's house in Raleigh. My son just left. It was nice having him here, but I'm glad that I'm alone for this. This hurts just as bad as everything else has, but I have to let go. It hurts me to write this and I need to heal at some point. The fact that so many have followed it is incredible, and it keeps Beck alive in your hearts. She will always be in mine, until the Lord takes me home to be with him as well.
I want to end with the beginning. Beck and I met on line believe it or not. God can use anything he wants to bring people together. We were both regulars in a Christian Chat room called CS1 on AOL. At first, we were friends. We talked back and forth, and then started instant messaging each other. I had given up on love and gave it to God. I really thought I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I thought that I deserved to be. When I met Becka, the thought of us being together never entered my mind. She was way out of my league. I had become accustomed to searching out the women with "problems". When someone said, "Who wants the sick one", I threw my hand in the air. I only got in to relationships that I could control. That way I could get out quick with no remorse. Living this type of life had made me spiritually sick, so I turned to God and asked him to do it for me. He had already done so much in my life by removing alcohol and drugs, I thought that I would let him pick my women for me too, so I was alone for a long time. That's when he put Becka in my life. He waited until I had time to heal, then introduced me to her. We chatted on line for a long time, then on the phone. We talked about everything just as friends do. That was when I told her she needed a "MYSPACE". We both created one and our conversations turned more personal. One night we were talking, and out of the blue I said, "I love you". I remember it like it was yesterday. The line went silent, and I thought she would hang up, but instead she said, "I love you too". I asked her if I could come meet her that weekend in Tennessee, and she said yes, so I rented a car and took off on a Saturday morning. My heart was pounding the whole way, and it seemed like it took only a few minutes to drive there. I called her and we met in a parking lot. She got out of the van and ran to me. I'll never forget. I couldn't see her face because the hair was hanging down, but she embraced me. When she finally did look at me, I melted. I didn't think she was real until that moment. I took her face with my hands and kissed her for the longest time. I was her's at that moment. I was in love.
We spent the weekend together and started building our relationship. It was magical, until a few months in to it and I started getting attacked by the enemy. People told me that I didn't deserve to be with her and I would just ruin her life. My ex girlfriend got in touch with her and started causing problems. It seemed like it wasn't meant to be and everything was blowing up around us, so I ran. I told her I couldn't do that to her and ruin her life. I cut myself off from her and retreated. I was so miserable and depressed that I was suicidal. What I didn't know was that my Mother was calling Becka and begging her not to give up on me. She could see how much pain I was in. Time went by, about a month, and out of the blue Becka called me. I was at work and I saw her number pop up, and I figured she wanted to tell me off, so I gave her the chance and answered the phone. She asked how I was, and I told her I was miserable and didn't have anything left to live for. I said that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I loved her with all of my heart. I asked for forgiveness, and she gave it immediately. I wasn't used to that. I didn't know what was happening, but she came to see me that weekend, and I asked her to marry me on bended knee. She said yes and we were a couple again! I made a pact with God, that I would never run from her again if he would give me her heart, and he did. She claimed me as her own, moved to North Carolina, and we married in an Eighteenth Century church at Tanglewood Park here in Clemmons NC. It was the happiest day of my life! I had a family. We had our ups and downs, but we came through it all together with love. We spend every birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and anniversary together as a family. We were never apart. Everywhere I went, she went, except when I went to work, then I called her a couple of times a day. Becka was my life. She took my heart and loved it better than anyone else ever had. She forgave me for being stupid at times, and loved me through all of it. She was truly my soul mate.
I know many of you have read my blog from the start, so you know how I feel about her. That hasn't changed one bit, with the exception that I love her more now than I did before. My mind is full of beautiful memories with her and the kids. We never doubted each other's love. We became one, as the bible says, because it's what we wanted to do. We had dreams and goals, some of which were met, but most were cut short by cancer. I look back and my heart turns to physical pain when I admit to myself that she's gone forever from me. I can't to this day see my life without her. I don't want to right now. I try to move on, but the fact is I still belong to her. She was my pride and joy, my trophy wife, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I keep making mistakes that cause me even more pain, but I'm learning from them. At least I hope I am. This pain will go away I pray. I know I can't feel this way for the rest of my life and live normally. I have faith that God will lead me out of it, and that he still has plans for me. I know now why God put me with such a wonderful woman. First he prepared me, then he gave me a job to do, and now I have a cross to bear. I loved every second of taking care of Becka. When she would look at me, I knew she was grateful and that she loved me. I was with her when she left, and I kissed her goodbye. She took a big part of me with her. I just hope and pray there is enough left for me to do what God wants me to.
It has been my honor to write about Rebekah Lee King Patton, 11/12/1964 - 10/3/2012. If you knew her, you know she was wonderful. If you didn't, read my blog again. She's in there, I promise.
Until we meet again my love, I pledge to live the best life I can. I miss you terribly, and I don't know what I'm going to do without your wonderful laugh in my ear, but I'll make the most of it. I will see you soon Babygirl. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will love you always and forever. xoxo
Randy
I want to end with the beginning. Beck and I met on line believe it or not. God can use anything he wants to bring people together. We were both regulars in a Christian Chat room called CS1 on AOL. At first, we were friends. We talked back and forth, and then started instant messaging each other. I had given up on love and gave it to God. I really thought I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I thought that I deserved to be. When I met Becka, the thought of us being together never entered my mind. She was way out of my league. I had become accustomed to searching out the women with "problems". When someone said, "Who wants the sick one", I threw my hand in the air. I only got in to relationships that I could control. That way I could get out quick with no remorse. Living this type of life had made me spiritually sick, so I turned to God and asked him to do it for me. He had already done so much in my life by removing alcohol and drugs, I thought that I would let him pick my women for me too, so I was alone for a long time. That's when he put Becka in my life. He waited until I had time to heal, then introduced me to her. We chatted on line for a long time, then on the phone. We talked about everything just as friends do. That was when I told her she needed a "MYSPACE". We both created one and our conversations turned more personal. One night we were talking, and out of the blue I said, "I love you". I remember it like it was yesterday. The line went silent, and I thought she would hang up, but instead she said, "I love you too". I asked her if I could come meet her that weekend in Tennessee, and she said yes, so I rented a car and took off on a Saturday morning. My heart was pounding the whole way, and it seemed like it took only a few minutes to drive there. I called her and we met in a parking lot. She got out of the van and ran to me. I'll never forget. I couldn't see her face because the hair was hanging down, but she embraced me. When she finally did look at me, I melted. I didn't think she was real until that moment. I took her face with my hands and kissed her for the longest time. I was her's at that moment. I was in love.
We spent the weekend together and started building our relationship. It was magical, until a few months in to it and I started getting attacked by the enemy. People told me that I didn't deserve to be with her and I would just ruin her life. My ex girlfriend got in touch with her and started causing problems. It seemed like it wasn't meant to be and everything was blowing up around us, so I ran. I told her I couldn't do that to her and ruin her life. I cut myself off from her and retreated. I was so miserable and depressed that I was suicidal. What I didn't know was that my Mother was calling Becka and begging her not to give up on me. She could see how much pain I was in. Time went by, about a month, and out of the blue Becka called me. I was at work and I saw her number pop up, and I figured she wanted to tell me off, so I gave her the chance and answered the phone. She asked how I was, and I told her I was miserable and didn't have anything left to live for. I said that I had made the worst mistake of my life and I loved her with all of my heart. I asked for forgiveness, and she gave it immediately. I wasn't used to that. I didn't know what was happening, but she came to see me that weekend, and I asked her to marry me on bended knee. She said yes and we were a couple again! I made a pact with God, that I would never run from her again if he would give me her heart, and he did. She claimed me as her own, moved to North Carolina, and we married in an Eighteenth Century church at Tanglewood Park here in Clemmons NC. It was the happiest day of my life! I had a family. We had our ups and downs, but we came through it all together with love. We spend every birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and anniversary together as a family. We were never apart. Everywhere I went, she went, except when I went to work, then I called her a couple of times a day. Becka was my life. She took my heart and loved it better than anyone else ever had. She forgave me for being stupid at times, and loved me through all of it. She was truly my soul mate.
I know many of you have read my blog from the start, so you know how I feel about her. That hasn't changed one bit, with the exception that I love her more now than I did before. My mind is full of beautiful memories with her and the kids. We never doubted each other's love. We became one, as the bible says, because it's what we wanted to do. We had dreams and goals, some of which were met, but most were cut short by cancer. I look back and my heart turns to physical pain when I admit to myself that she's gone forever from me. I can't to this day see my life without her. I don't want to right now. I try to move on, but the fact is I still belong to her. She was my pride and joy, my trophy wife, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I keep making mistakes that cause me even more pain, but I'm learning from them. At least I hope I am. This pain will go away I pray. I know I can't feel this way for the rest of my life and live normally. I have faith that God will lead me out of it, and that he still has plans for me. I know now why God put me with such a wonderful woman. First he prepared me, then he gave me a job to do, and now I have a cross to bear. I loved every second of taking care of Becka. When she would look at me, I knew she was grateful and that she loved me. I was with her when she left, and I kissed her goodbye. She took a big part of me with her. I just hope and pray there is enough left for me to do what God wants me to.
It has been my honor to write about Rebekah Lee King Patton, 11/12/1964 - 10/3/2012. If you knew her, you know she was wonderful. If you didn't, read my blog again. She's in there, I promise.
Until we meet again my love, I pledge to live the best life I can. I miss you terribly, and I don't know what I'm going to do without your wonderful laugh in my ear, but I'll make the most of it. I will see you soon Babygirl. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will love you always and forever. xoxo
Randy
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Day 339
It's Thursday night and I just got home. The kids and I went out to Applebee's for supper. Andrew was home sick today, but he felt better this evening until we went out to eat, then he started getting sick again. He has already gone to bed. Please keep him in your prayers.
I had posted that I had accepted Becka's death and was ready to start healing. I think I jumped the gun a little. I keep looking for her, especially in the morning. Then I realize she isn't here and it kills me. My heart is so torn today. I keep looking at pictures of her and wondering, "What if"? What if we had gone to the doctor earlier? What if I had been more patient and loving at times? What if I had known the day and time she was never going to talk again? There are a lot of questions running through my head, but the biggest "What if" there is would be, "What if we had never met"? Would she have had someone to take care of her? Where would the kids be? Where would our friends be? What about our dogs and our home? Those questions bring me back to reality and tell me that I just need to cry some more. I have a long way to go to get through this. A very good friend brought be back to reality yesterday and today, and Sarah, thank you. You are truly, truly, a great friend. I pray that you and your family are always a part of my life.
I know that no one wants unasked advice. I also know that every marriage has it's ups and downs. I've heard it said that you have never been in love unless you've contemplated murder. I wasn't always the perfect husband, but Beck was always the perfect wife, because she had Christ in her heart. She knew how to forgive her absent minded, idiot husband. She knew how to end an argument quickly and with less pain. I say this because no matter what was happening in our house, we always knew we loved each other. I think back to every time I walked away mad, or raised my voice. If I could have one more hour with Beck, that would never happen again. Nothing is worth wasting one minute with the one I loved. I pray that everyone reading this will only see the good in their husbands or wives. Every time you look at them, imagine life without them. Imagine them gone forever with no chance of coming back, then when your heart is right, go to them and let them know TODAY how you feel about them. Life is too short. For Beck it was only forty seven years, and now I'm forced to spend what seems like an eternity without the greatest love in my life. I would literally do anything to touch her face, hold her hand, kiss her lips, or hear her laugh just one more time. This world is cold, confusing, and empty for me now. The only time I'm truly happy is when I'm spending time with the kids. I sometimes reach for Autumn's hand when we are going down the road because I always held Beck's hand, then I realize what I'm doing and I try to concentrate. I go to the graveyard as much as possible and talk to Beck. I know she's not there, but the body I took care of and loved is there. It still means so much to me. I can't wait to see her headstone. It should he coming any day now!
Only one more day of this. Tomorrow is the end, the last blog, I pray it has helped you understand how cancer takes so much more than just a life. It's evil and must be destroyed. For now, I will do my part, keep on every day, and pray that God gets me to the other side of this nightmare.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless. See you tomorrow I hope.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Day 338
It's Wednesday night and all is well. I feel great! I slept good last night, I've felt good all day, and I'm writing this early because I'm going to Taekwondo in about an hour. I had a GREAT class last night. It was so good to see everyone, and we had one hard workout! I loved it! My legs feel like spaggeti, but it's okay. In a couple of days the pain will be gone. The only thing missing at taekwondo was Beck. She loved it, and I wish you could have seen her face when she won a trophy in front of the entire class. There was this look of amazement, then emotion. She got up in front of the entire class and Master Lee gave her the trophy, then she gave a short speech. I was so proud of her. She had accomplished so much in a short period of time. I wonder what she's doing right now!
Okay, that is why I'm ending my blog on Friday. I love to tell Becka stories, but I don't make it through them without falling apart. About five minutes have passed since I typed that because it hit me all at once. I can picture her there and the look on her face was priceless. So many memories, so much to miss about her. Her happiness was what I lived for the last year of her life. Anything she wanted, I made arrangements to get, but Beck didn't want for anything. She was very simple in her wants and needs. I just wanted to make the last months of her life on this earth the best I could. Autumn and I went driving tonight. She's a great driver and I feel very comfortable riding with her. The entire time I was thinking that I wished Beck was there to see her little girl all grown up. Our little family will never be the same, but we are still family. Some things change and some don't, but the love we share for each other grows by the minute. Andrew wasn't feeling good tonight when he got home from taekwondo class. His stomach is hurting and I gave him a nexium, so please pray for him. He may have gotten too hot but I'll keep check on him.
I got my motorcycle permit today! One step closer to the ER! I'm going out riding this weekend with some guys. I need to be around guys right now. I'm lonely, hurt, and frustrated. I don't trust myself, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so the more testosterone the better! I know that I'm vulnerable, so I have to accept my limitations and weaknesses, and deal with the the way I think God would want me to. It's all in his hands anyway!
I'm going to get ready for class. Sweet Dreams and God Bless! Only two more days of this. Thank you for reading it. I pray it's done Becka justice so that everyone will remember how wonderful she was. I will never forget.
Okay, that is why I'm ending my blog on Friday. I love to tell Becka stories, but I don't make it through them without falling apart. About five minutes have passed since I typed that because it hit me all at once. I can picture her there and the look on her face was priceless. So many memories, so much to miss about her. Her happiness was what I lived for the last year of her life. Anything she wanted, I made arrangements to get, but Beck didn't want for anything. She was very simple in her wants and needs. I just wanted to make the last months of her life on this earth the best I could. Autumn and I went driving tonight. She's a great driver and I feel very comfortable riding with her. The entire time I was thinking that I wished Beck was there to see her little girl all grown up. Our little family will never be the same, but we are still family. Some things change and some don't, but the love we share for each other grows by the minute. Andrew wasn't feeling good tonight when he got home from taekwondo class. His stomach is hurting and I gave him a nexium, so please pray for him. He may have gotten too hot but I'll keep check on him.
I got my motorcycle permit today! One step closer to the ER! I'm going out riding this weekend with some guys. I need to be around guys right now. I'm lonely, hurt, and frustrated. I don't trust myself, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so the more testosterone the better! I know that I'm vulnerable, so I have to accept my limitations and weaknesses, and deal with the the way I think God would want me to. It's all in his hands anyway!
I'm going to get ready for class. Sweet Dreams and God Bless! Only two more days of this. Thank you for reading it. I pray it's done Becka justice so that everyone will remember how wonderful she was. I will never forget.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Day 337
It's Tuesday night and it's even colder today! I'm writing this early because Andrew and I are going to Taekwondo. I am looking very forward to it! Then I'm coming back and watching Mitt Romney give his acceptance speech, and I'm going to drive to DC to help Barack pack. Today has been an excellent day! I have felt great all day. physically and emotionally. I've had a great deal of help with that. My wonderful Sister in Christ Gina helped me through a difficult situation that I put myself in, and it resolved itself today. I thought I might lose a friend, a very good friend, but it turns out that my friends care more about me than one mistake. I'm very grateful! I went and saw Beck today, which means I went to the graveyard. I still feel close to her there. I talked to her about some things that are going on, and I felt a sense of calm come over me. It was like God was telling me things will be okay, again. He has done that so many times lately, starting with the night he came and took her away. Today I have no regrets. I'm okay with the whole situation because I know it's going to turn out the way God wants it to.
I had a couple of appointments today, then I went to the DMV and picked up a motorcycle manual so I can study. I want to pass the test before this weekend because it's supposed to be up near seventy here! It's hard to believe since it's so cold right now, but it will be perfect riding weather. The dealership I bought my bike from said I can sponsor a "Ride for the Cure" in Beck's name! I'm definitely going to do that. All proceeds will go to the American Cancer Society, and Cancer Services. Both organizations helped us, so I'm going to give back and broadcast Beck's name in the process! I'll keep you updated on Facebook.
I miss Beck and always will. The love we shared was unique for me. I had never felt it before, so I doubt if I had ever truly loved before. I have no idea what God has in store for me, but I'm grateful for every second he let me spend with Becka. She was everything to me, and I'm surprised that I'm doing this well. God has given me strength when I needed it and courage in the face of fire. There is no way I could have walked through this without him and all of you. I really do love you guys and gals. Thee is life out there for me, I know it. He hasn't carried me this far to drop me now.
I'm going to get ready for Taekwondo. I'm looking SO forward to it! It's time to reclaim my girlish figure, or at least lose some weight.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
I had a couple of appointments today, then I went to the DMV and picked up a motorcycle manual so I can study. I want to pass the test before this weekend because it's supposed to be up near seventy here! It's hard to believe since it's so cold right now, but it will be perfect riding weather. The dealership I bought my bike from said I can sponsor a "Ride for the Cure" in Beck's name! I'm definitely going to do that. All proceeds will go to the American Cancer Society, and Cancer Services. Both organizations helped us, so I'm going to give back and broadcast Beck's name in the process! I'll keep you updated on Facebook.
I miss Beck and always will. The love we shared was unique for me. I had never felt it before, so I doubt if I had ever truly loved before. I have no idea what God has in store for me, but I'm grateful for every second he let me spend with Becka. She was everything to me, and I'm surprised that I'm doing this well. God has given me strength when I needed it and courage in the face of fire. There is no way I could have walked through this without him and all of you. I really do love you guys and gals. Thee is life out there for me, I know it. He hasn't carried me this far to drop me now.
I'm going to get ready for Taekwondo. I'm looking SO forward to it! It's time to reclaim my girlish figure, or at least lose some weight.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Day 336
Monday night and it's getting colder. Winter is just around the corner. I woke up this morning with one of the worst headaches I've ever had. I woke at six, took some aspirin and drank some coffee, then went back to bed for a bit. If I don't get well soon, I'm going to give up. It seems like I've been sick ever since Beck went in the hospital. I've been on steroids, then more steroids, then antibiotics, then more antibiotics. I guess my immune system is weak. I had to work with my boss today, so I toughed it out. I took a very hot shower and let the water hit me in the face. My head eased and I felt better when I got out of the house. I know I stay up too late at night and don't get enough sleep, but my mind just won't shut down. I think about Beck all of the time, and a thousand other things as well, until my mind goes in to overload. I was talking with a friend this morning who reminded me to think about one thing at a time and stay in today. There is nothing I can do about what is going to happen on Wednesday, and she reminded me of that.
I'm going to end my blog this week. It's not about Beck anymore because she's gone, and I don't want you to hear me complain. I'll still be on Facebook, but this is a tribute to Beck and the fight she fought. She was a warrior to the end, and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. My life has to change and will. It has started already. I'm a different man than I was a year ago, and that's probably good, but to say I'm lonely is an understatement. I still feel like my arm has been cut off. I still can't believe she's gone forever. It's only been a month and two days, but it seems like an eternity. I'm constantly reminded of what I lost, and how much darker this world is. My heart is still broken, and my actions of late haven't helped that any. I can't go in to detail except to say that I know I could do better, but I seem to want to sit in my own misery and feel sorry for myself. Something will bring me out of this. Some things already have but only for a short time. It's okay though. I know it will get different, then it will get better.
Friday will be the last time I write this. I pray it has helped you to understand how wonderful Rebekah Lee Patton was. She was the perfect wife, mother, sister, and daughter the world has ever seen. All who knew her are devastated still at her loss. We all though she was going to win, and when she lost, we all lost. I can't write this anymore because every time I do it brings it all back, and at some point I have to heal and move on. I think it's time, so Friday will be it. Thank you for reading it. I pray it's been a fitting memorial to the woman I love with all of my heart. I love you Baby!
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
I'm going to end my blog this week. It's not about Beck anymore because she's gone, and I don't want you to hear me complain. I'll still be on Facebook, but this is a tribute to Beck and the fight she fought. She was a warrior to the end, and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. My life has to change and will. It has started already. I'm a different man than I was a year ago, and that's probably good, but to say I'm lonely is an understatement. I still feel like my arm has been cut off. I still can't believe she's gone forever. It's only been a month and two days, but it seems like an eternity. I'm constantly reminded of what I lost, and how much darker this world is. My heart is still broken, and my actions of late haven't helped that any. I can't go in to detail except to say that I know I could do better, but I seem to want to sit in my own misery and feel sorry for myself. Something will bring me out of this. Some things already have but only for a short time. It's okay though. I know it will get different, then it will get better.
Friday will be the last time I write this. I pray it has helped you to understand how wonderful Rebekah Lee Patton was. She was the perfect wife, mother, sister, and daughter the world has ever seen. All who knew her are devastated still at her loss. We all though she was going to win, and when she lost, we all lost. I can't write this anymore because every time I do it brings it all back, and at some point I have to heal and move on. I think it's time, so Friday will be it. Thank you for reading it. I pray it's been a fitting memorial to the woman I love with all of my heart. I love you Baby!
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Day 335
It's Sunday night and I just got home. It's been a very long day. It started off emotional, so I have to apologize to anyone who tried to call me this morning. I didn't answer the phone because I just couldn't talk today. I will call you back though. I needed to gather my thoughts. I cleaned the house and got the kids up and took them to Panera Bread for breakfast, then we went by my Mother's house and picked up Andrew's other chest of drawers that my Step Father put together for me. We came back to the house and Andrew went to his friend's house for the day, then Autumn went with Dillon and Sarah to the Mall. I needed the alone time, so I took a drive. I ended up at my Father's house, picked up my brother, then went to Greensboro and bought a motorcycle. Yes I did. It's a 2001 and it's new to me. It's a Harley Davidson Dyna Low Rider. I love it. It's the first thing I can think of that I've actually bought for me in a while, except for some new underwear, but can you believe it. They don't fit. I'm taking a class to get my motorcycle license. It's been years since I was on one. I rode it in front of the house when we got home, so it won't be long before it all comes back to me. We rode bikes for years as kids, dirt bikes that is. Then I rode as a teen and in my twenties. My father always had a motorcycle around, but this is different. This is a HOG! I would rather cut my arm off with a rusty saw than lay this bike down. I think it will help in my therapy. If not, I'll sell it. Harleys don't depreciate.
It's late so this will be short. I took the kids to Olive Garden to eat tonight, along with Sarah and Dillon. It was fantastic but I ate too much, even though my plate was still full, so it will be a great lunch for the kids tomorrow since they are out of school for the next couple of days. Things are changing and I'm doing better, physically and emotionally. There are several reasons for that, but the biggest is because I want things to be better. God is in my heart, and I still miss Beck. I always will, but I'm coming to terms with things. I can see down the road now because some of the fog is lifting. I am working with my boss tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep.
I'm going to bed for the night. Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
It's late so this will be short. I took the kids to Olive Garden to eat tonight, along with Sarah and Dillon. It was fantastic but I ate too much, even though my plate was still full, so it will be a great lunch for the kids tomorrow since they are out of school for the next couple of days. Things are changing and I'm doing better, physically and emotionally. There are several reasons for that, but the biggest is because I want things to be better. God is in my heart, and I still miss Beck. I always will, but I'm coming to terms with things. I can see down the road now because some of the fog is lifting. I am working with my boss tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep.
I'm going to bed for the night. Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Day 334
It's Saturday night and I have to write this quickly because I have to go to work. I'm blessed to have a job! God has been so good to us today. He blessed us with a new vehicle! Autumn, her friend Dillon, and I went car shopping. We went to Carmax and found a Dodge that Autumn really liked. She wanted me to buy it on the spot, and I explained patience to her. We went to several other dealerships before we went to Parkway Ford in Winston Salem and bought an Explorer. It's an 08 but it's new to us! I LOVE it, and so do the kids. Autumn is going to drive it tomorrow.
Today has been uneventful because we were on a quest, until the song "You look Wonderful Tonight" came on the radio. Beck and I used to dance to it and we played it at our wedding reception. I remember singing it in her ear, and her in mine, so naturally when I heard it today, I lost it. Autumn has a way of comforting me. I told her how much I miss her mother, and she understands. She misses her too. I can hear Beck's voice running through my head now. That beautiful voice. I wonder what it sounds like today!
God has been too good to us for me to sit in misery today. I need to get out the door to work. I will write more later when I get home. God Bless and Good Night!
Today has been uneventful because we were on a quest, until the song "You look Wonderful Tonight" came on the radio. Beck and I used to dance to it and we played it at our wedding reception. I remember singing it in her ear, and her in mine, so naturally when I heard it today, I lost it. Autumn has a way of comforting me. I told her how much I miss her mother, and she understands. She misses her too. I can hear Beck's voice running through my head now. That beautiful voice. I wonder what it sounds like today!
God has been too good to us for me to sit in misery today. I need to get out the door to work. I will write more later when I get home. God Bless and Good Night!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Day 333
It's Friday night and I'm feeling better. I think the medicines are working! I rested today and I needed it. I asked God to direct me, and he did. A couple of things happened today that I will talk about later, but for right now, they are between me and God. I can see part of his will for me, and that gives me direction. Needless to say, I'm back on track. I'm writing this early because I'm supposed to go out tonight with a friend of mine bowling. I'm tired but I already told him I would go, and a couple of other guys are coming as well. It's an official "Guys Night Out". I love to bowl. I used to bowl on a league and I throw a fingertip ball, but my friend Matt bowls all the time, so he will probably make me look bad. I won't be gone but about an hour because the kids are here. I took them to Starbucks a little while ago.
As I drink my coffee and write this, it occurs to me that I only cried this morning. That is progress for me. I cleaned the house today and rested for most of the day. I caught up on sleep, and this morning when I woke and was drinking coffee, I got emotional. I always do in the mornings, but after yesterday, I've gained a level of acceptance about Becka. The only reason I grieve is because she's not here and I miss her, but like a friend asked me, if I could bring her back today, would I? The answer is a resounding "NO". I wouldn't take her from Paradise and from the presence of the Lord. So now I pray for more acceptance and for God to fill me with the Spirit and make my future clear to me. I'm more conscious of my actions and the fact that they hurt other people if I don't act accordingly. I fear that I have hurt someone close to me, but they know that I've been half crazy and I will get better. I have good friends that I love and love me, and this friend is especially forgiving. I intend to have them in my life forever.
I went and looked at something I am thinking about buying today. I looked at a motorcycle, and I'm not having a mid life crisis. If I do buy it, I'm going to take classes on safety. I've been riding motorcycles since I was young, mostly dirt bikes. The last time I was on one, I was riding a Honda down the road, went in to a turn, and the bike went straight through the turn. If anything had been coming I would not be here today. I'm not sure what happened, but the bike would not turn no matter what I did, so I rode off in to a field and laid it down. I haven't been back on one since, so part of this is to overcome fear. Beck and I had talked about buying a couple of bikes. She was interested in riding by herself. The bike I'm looking at is a soft tail custom Harley Davidson. I'll keep you informed.
Life without Beck is different, and I'm doing what I can to adjust. If I had my way, she never would have gotten sick, but since she did, I have to go on the best I can. I know there is a wonderful life out there for me, because I have it right here right now. I'm grateful for all of my blessings. All I need to do is look around and I have plenty to be grateful for. I know where Beck is, and she's doing just fine. I will see her again one day, so until then I'll just say, "See you later". I appreciate all of you more than I can put in words. You are all blessings to me!
Good night and God Bless! Sleep well!
As I drink my coffee and write this, it occurs to me that I only cried this morning. That is progress for me. I cleaned the house today and rested for most of the day. I caught up on sleep, and this morning when I woke and was drinking coffee, I got emotional. I always do in the mornings, but after yesterday, I've gained a level of acceptance about Becka. The only reason I grieve is because she's not here and I miss her, but like a friend asked me, if I could bring her back today, would I? The answer is a resounding "NO". I wouldn't take her from Paradise and from the presence of the Lord. So now I pray for more acceptance and for God to fill me with the Spirit and make my future clear to me. I'm more conscious of my actions and the fact that they hurt other people if I don't act accordingly. I fear that I have hurt someone close to me, but they know that I've been half crazy and I will get better. I have good friends that I love and love me, and this friend is especially forgiving. I intend to have them in my life forever.
I went and looked at something I am thinking about buying today. I looked at a motorcycle, and I'm not having a mid life crisis. If I do buy it, I'm going to take classes on safety. I've been riding motorcycles since I was young, mostly dirt bikes. The last time I was on one, I was riding a Honda down the road, went in to a turn, and the bike went straight through the turn. If anything had been coming I would not be here today. I'm not sure what happened, but the bike would not turn no matter what I did, so I rode off in to a field and laid it down. I haven't been back on one since, so part of this is to overcome fear. Beck and I had talked about buying a couple of bikes. She was interested in riding by herself. The bike I'm looking at is a soft tail custom Harley Davidson. I'll keep you informed.
Life without Beck is different, and I'm doing what I can to adjust. If I had my way, she never would have gotten sick, but since she did, I have to go on the best I can. I know there is a wonderful life out there for me, because I have it right here right now. I'm grateful for all of my blessings. All I need to do is look around and I have plenty to be grateful for. I know where Beck is, and she's doing just fine. I will see her again one day, so until then I'll just say, "See you later". I appreciate all of you more than I can put in words. You are all blessings to me!
Good night and God Bless! Sleep well!
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