Monday night and another day in the books. This one has been rough, because of what is transpiring. First let me say, I love being with Beck all day, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to do so. I called my boss today to check in, and he said all was quiet in my stores and they are taking care of everything. I had planned to work some if I could get someone to sit with Beck, but that's not going to be a possibility. Her condition dictates that I should be here from now on, even if I have to sell some stuff. She has worsened the past two days. Beck can barely walk and can't walk at all without help. Her head hurts her all of the time now and she's very disoriented, but that's not what's bothering me the most. Her feet and legs haven't gone down from taking the fluid pills. Her legs and calves have changed color and are splotchy, and the skin on her calves is flaking, even though I put very good lotion on them every day. I talked to her Doctor's nurse today, and this is normal for what she is going through. That's all I can say right now about that. We woke up early this morning, and I fixed her something to eat and gave her a shower, then she went right back to bed. I woke Andrew up and he was sick. I think he might have what I have because it's in his head and nose. I sent him back to bed, then waited up and woke Autumn. I fixed her lunch and got her off to school, then I took a shower and got ready for my Doctor appointment. Fern showed up at Nine, and I took off. Beck was still in bed when I left, and was still in bed when I returned. She didn't know that I had left. I wasn't gone but about forty five minutes.
Fern left and I ran to McDonald's and got Beck, Andrew, and me some breakfast. We ate, then she went straight back to bed and slept for a long time. I laid back down with her for a while, then started supper in the crock pot. To make a long story short, she has slept all day and she slept most of yesterday as well. I spoke to the doctor, and increased her pain medicines. She's hurting more and more and is only comfortable in bed. She got up to eat this afternoon and this evening, but that's about all she can take. She also has sleep apnea. Her breathing is labored when she is awake, and she stops breathing in her sleep, then takes a huge gasp. For some reason, the dogs won't leave her alone. They get under her feet, and every time she lays down on the bed, our miniature Doberman, (Gabe), lays down with her, right beside of her until I get in bed, then Nate, (our Boston Terrier), lays between us and against her. Gabe has always adored Beck, but I think he senses that she's not feeling good. It's like he's protecting her.
Beck is completely dependent on me for everything now. That is why I can't leave the house for very long, no matter who is here. I want her to know that when she looks for me, I'll be right by her side. It's where I belong. I can't explain how I feel tonight in words. Everything seems surreal. I look around and it's like I'm in a dream, but I know that I'm not. I've been praying a lot today and this evening, and I know that people are praying for us, so I think that God is making things okay. It's hard to describe, but for the past few weeks, I was one word away from crying all of the time, and tonight I'm not. My protective instincts have kicked in, and I can't seem to take my eyes off of her. Right now, at this very moment, all I want is for her to not be in pain. Tonight when I tucked her in and kissed her, she took my hand and kissed me back and we prayed. She told me she loved me twice before I left the bedroom and turned off the light. As long as she knows who I am, and knows that I'm here for her, I'll be fine. Her pain meds kicked in and I had heated the bed up before she got in. I put a soft, cotton shirt on her so that she is comfortable, and she was very content when I pulled the covers up to her neck. Tonight, that is all that matters. She's okay, she's safe, and God is with us. I feel his presence. Some of you might scoff at that, but he is more real to me right now than anything else in this world. Why wouldn't he be here? We invited him in our house and prayed for his mercy, and he is giving it.
Nate just jumped up on the table and let me know he loves me too. I've only found unconditional love in two places, from God, and from a dog. It's no coincidence that if you spell one backwards, you get the other. He is just part of our little family that God made, and we need to remember that we are the only ones who can tear it apart. I've had some deep talks with the kids yesterday and today. We are all on the same page, and they know that I'm here for them no matter what. I told them that whatever they needed I would get, and however they felt wasn't wrong. I know that Autumn is hurting. She and Beck used to jump in the car and go shopping or other places together, and that hasn't happened in a long time now. We are all losing, and in the end, Becka is the one who will be just fine.
I'm going to check on her. It's going to be a long night. I love you guys and gals, I really do.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
Sunday night and I'm baking brownies. It's been a very long but productive day that isn't ending well. We started out good though. Beck and I woke up early this morning and I took her to breakfast. I love getting her out of the house and I'm grateful for the nice wheelchair that Cancer Services let us borrow. We had a great meal, then came back here and she laid back down for a bit. I cleaned up around the house until the Urgent Care opened, and I went to find out what I already knew. I have a sinus infection, but they put me on some good medicine and I should be fine. It's already working because I feel great tonight. I came back here and cooked a late lunch / supper of meat loaf, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and rolls. We ate and Beck laid back down. She's been very weak and disoriented today. Usually she doesn't get that way until later in the day, but it started early today. I finished cleaning the house, then I mowed, trimmed, and raked the back yard. It had started to look like a hay field. Andrew sat with Beck while I worked on it, and while I ran to get Autumn. Around Seven O'clock, Beck said she was hurting pretty bad and needed to lay back down, so I gave her the nightly meds, and I tried to get her to take a shower so that she would feel better, but she was shaky and hurting, so I put her PJ's on her and tucked her in. I'll give her a shower in the morning before I go to my other Doctor appointment. I have to have some tests in the morning so I can't eat or drink anything after midnight tonight. Fern is coming to sit with Beck until I get back.
A very good friend of mine called me today and set me straight. He reminded me that I need not fear what is coming because I have no control over it, and that is what is scaring me. I need to concentrate on "Today", and enjoy every minute I have with her. That is hard to do when I see her going down hill every day, in pain, and not able to walk sometimes. She couldn't log in to Facebook tonight because she didn't remember her password, and she's completely lost track of what day it is. I don't know how much of this has to do with the steroids she has been taking for a long time now, but we had to increase her pain meds. She's getting headaches on a regular basis. She's so fragile that I have to be very gentle with everything I do or she hurts.
I wrote last night that I've been angry, and I have been. I just didn't know at what, but I think I know now. I'm not angry at God. I'm angry at myself. I know for a fact that God is with us and is giving me strength, because there is no way I could be doing this on my own. I think that I'm angry at myself because of the way I've felt. I've had selfish feelings because I miss the life we had just a short time ago, and I want it back. I need to accept the fact that the old life is gone, and just do what my friend told me to do. Stay in Today. If I think about the past, it hurts. If I think about the future, it hurts even more, so I need to focus on what is happening right now and deal with it the best I can. I've been fortunate in my endeavors to meet very wise and experienced people who God has placed in my life. If you are reading this, I'm probably talking about you. I'm not used to this kind of pain. Beck is the one going through this and I feel guilty about even complaining. That's why I need this blog, so that I can express how I feel, and maybe I can help someone else, or they can help me. The beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, strong, enchanting woman that decided to take a chance on me, is right in there asleep, and she needs me. That's all I need to know right now. The rest is just my head and my heart. I love her so so so much. Nothing will ever change that. She once asked me, if I had known this was going to happen, would I have married her? I told her that if we only had an hour together, it would be enough to give up everything else, and I meant it. She's that special.
I'm going to eat a brownie, watch some football, and go to bed. I'm feeling much better physically and mentally tonight. I'm going to hit my knees beside of her and pray as well.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless. Same time tomorrow I hope.
Saturday night and I know I'm fixing to catch it for this one from a couple of people. I should have gone to the doctor, but I felt better, so I didn't, and now I feel crappy again. I promise I'm going tomorrow. Today was a long day. Beck and I got up several times last night, then we got up at four this morning and just stayed up. Beck wanted a bowl of leftover home made spaghetti, and I made some cinnamon rolls and coffee Then about seven, Beck stood up to go to the bathroom. She walked about five steps, then looked at me and said, "Baby". I could tell in her voice that something was wrong. I ran to her and she started shaking and convulsing. I thought she was having a seizure, because she couldn't talk. I just kept saying, "Baby, Baby", and she didn't respond. She was shaking all over and I held her in place, then carried her in the bedroom and to the bed. I was about to call for the kids to call 911, when she came back around. She stopped shaking and her eyes cleared up. She didn't know what had happened. I got her in to the bathroom, then gave her a shower. That seemed to make her feel better. I got her dressed and to the living room, and she's been okay all day. It scared me so badly this morning, that I've been torn all day. My head hurts from crying and the infection I apparently have in my sinus. I'll take care of one of those problems in the morning.
My son Dillon came over and stayed with her while I took Autumn to get some new pants and shirts, then I went by the grocery store and bought food for the next couple of days. I ran him home, and now I'm home for the night. She and I will be going to bed soon. I need to go to church at some point, or have some bible study here at the house. I know a pastor or two who would come over and lead us. When Beck's Dad was here, he was leading us in a study, and I really enjoyed it. I need to be fed the word, because my heart has been turning cold lately. I hear about "God's Will", and I just want to scream. Why in the world would THIS be God's will? I need to believe that God lets things happen for his Glory, and the end result will do just that. I need God to get my through this, and I can't do that if I'm angry or isolated from him. In my experience with my walk with the Lord, I need other Christians. I feed off of their faith and love, and God works through them to help me. He's going to do just that in the morning when I go to the doctor. I'm sure that I'll feel differently about things if I can get to feeling better physically. I'm just stubborn and I HATE going to the doctor.
I'm going to bed with my beautiful wife and watch her sleep. Sweet dreams and God Bless!
Friday and today has been absolutely wonderful, until now. I thought I was well, but about two hours ago, my headache came back with a vengeance and I'm sick all over. PLEASE God. I can't be sick right now. I pray it's a sinus infection, because I can smell it, my head hurts, I'm nauseous, dizzy, and I'm going to bed. I already took care of Beck. She's in her PJ's, I fixed her some spaghetti for supper, gave her the nightly meds, and she's gone to bed. I'll post tomorrow about today, because we had a fantastic time.
I'm going to the "Doc in a box" in the morning. The antibiotics I'm taking probably aren't the right ones, and it's been a long time since I was in medical school, so I should probably get a second opinion.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless.
Thursday afternoon and so far, this has been a wonderful day. I ran to Bojangles this morning and picked us up some breakfast, then got the kids out the door. My head was still hurting, so I went to CVS Pharmacy and told the pharmacist that I want the strongest thing for sinus pressure they had. I bought a decongestant, and you would think I was trying to buy cocaine. They entered my driver's license in to the computer just to buy sinus meds. I came back here and we hung out for a bit. I started a roast in the crock pot for supper, and Beck laid down for a nap. When she woke up, I gave both of us a shower, dressed us, then I loaded her up and we took off. We went to a pawn shop here in Winston and bought her an IPAD. She's been having trouble using her computer because her left hand doesn't work very well, and the tablet should be much better for her.
We left there and stopped by the grocery store, then we had lunch at Subway, and a milk shake from McDonalds. By then, she was wearing out, so we came back here and she laid down for a while. I think I may take a nap myself. So far today has been fantastic. It was so nice getting her out of the house. We are going to run to Walmart in a bit. I'm going to lay down with her, and I'll write some more tonight.
I laid down for about an hour, and I feel better. This sinus medicine is working. We had supper and I was able to do some laundry and G. I. the kitchen. I love cleaning the kitchen because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when it shines. I cleaned the sink with comet and copper scrubs, and it's actually white! I'll clean the bathroom tomorrow.
I'm so very grateful for today. We spent the entire day together and I loved getting her out of the house. Everyone was so nice, and I took her by Food Lion and introduced her to a couple of friends of mine who have been praying for her. She loves her new tablet! As much as Beck loves music, it holds 32 gigs of memory. It's so much easier for her to use and type with. I love Apple products period. The next computer I buy will be a Mac.
My headache is coming back, so I'm going to bed while I still can. I shouldn't be watching the DNC. It makes me too mad. I already put Beck to bed. She's doing very well tonight! I needed a day like today. I had my Baby with me, and that's all I need! She starts her fluid pills tomorrow for her swollen feet. Please pray that they work!
Good night and God Bless!
It's Wednesday night and my head feels like it's going to blow off. I'm fixing to take some sinus meds, some tylenol, and hit the hay. Beck went to sleep about an hour ago, although I just helped her to the bathroom. This time of night, she's in a completely different world. I called her doctor today about the swelling in her feet. It goes down then comes back. The doctor put her on fluid pills, which should do the trick, but will cause even more bathroom trips. It's okay though. I'm here for the duration. I'm officially on FMLA. I think I'll start an internet business. Actually, I'm still going to work, just not as much. I have to do some work so that I can pay for my insurance, and we have to eat.
I wish I could type more, but my head is hurting and I need to lay down. I'll post tomorrow during the day.
Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
Tuesday night and I'm home. I worked this morning with my boss at one of my stores on a very serious, important problem, then I went by Taco Bell and brought some lunch home. After lunch, I put Becka in the van to get her out of the house, and we took off down the road. We went by her doctor's office to pick up a form for a handicap parking placard, then we stopped by and said hey to my mother. That made her happy and it made my Mother happy as well. We left there and stopped by Walmart to get the stuff for supper, and we ran by the Department of Transportation to get the placard. By then, Beck was exhausted, so I brought her home and she went straight to bed. I started supper, (spaghetti), and waited for Autumn to get home. She and I took off for the Mall and I bought her some new shoes, then we went by Dillard's and bought Beck some new body scrub. We stopped by the coffee shop in the mall and Autumn bought a caramel coffee, and we came home. I finished supper, then Autumn and I ran to Food Lion and bought a couple of things, and then back to the house until I had to leave once more to take Andrew to taekwondo, and now I'm home. In other words, I've been running all day, and this was after only a couple hours of sleep last night. We got up three times. Beck is starting to hurt more and more. Her feet are still swollen, and tomorrow I'm going to see if the doctor will give her something stronger for pain. I was helping her up out of her chair tonight and I accidently hurt her shoulder by barely pulling her up to give her a shower. I gave her one with her new scrub, then put lotion all over, and now she's gone to bed. Just getting out of the house today took everything out of her.
Her Mom and Dad are leaving in the morning, so it will just be us. I hate to see them go, but on the other hand, I'm looking forward to spending time alone with Beck for a couple of days. The kids will be at school, and we can catch up. I plan to sit and just talk for a while, and I want to watch a movie with popcorn and everything, just like a regular date. I'm extremely grateful for everyone who has stayed with us and helped. I can't say thank you enough. I just want to be alone with her, if only for a while. I want to talk about old times, look at pictures, hold her feet in my lap, and relax with her. It's going to be great! I need it, I know that much. She's my Baby!
God is good all of the time. I know that somewhere in all of this is Glory for him. I can't see it right now, but one day all will be revealed. I'm still praying for time, and I'm praying for him to take away her pain. She's such a fighter, but now she's so frail. I'm eternally grateful for the fact that I can take off work and be with her now. I need to be here.
I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams and love you guys.
God Bless!
Monday night and nothing ever stays the same. It's been somewhat of a difficult day. We got up several times last night, so I felt like a zombie when I woke up, but I had to go in to work this morning. I couldn't think straight, but I did what I could and it all went wrong, and then Beck text me and said she needed me, so I took off and came home. Her feet have gone down, but they are still swollen, and tonight was when I realized that she was slurring her words. She's having more trouble walking as well. It's a catch 22 with the steroids. It seems that when she tapers down off of them, she becomes more disoriented, and when we take her back up to higher levels, she has other side effects. The doctor told us to try and taper down, but to go back up if she had problems, so we may do that tomorrow.
I'm noticing that I'm angry, and I need to work on that. I can name all kinds of reasons, but it all comes back to fear. Fear of change and loss. I don't adapt well to change, and I'm still looking for a target to take my frustrations out on. I find myself yelling at the television like they can hear me. As long as I don't argue with myself, I'll be okay. I've never been this tired for this long. I came home today and took a nap, then we had dinner and I ran to walmart to pick up some things for the kids. I'm going to bed in a few and try to sleep as long as I can. Becka woke up last night one time and took off her tether instead of waking me up. I threatened to buy a lock and a chain. I was kidding of course. I just worry that she will sleep walk and get hurt. She doesn't remember getting up the next day.
I'm kind of lost. My heart is still breaking, my emotions are all over the place, I'm exhausted, and I don't know if I'm coming or going. It will be better after tomorrow. I'm going to work in the morning for a bit, then I'm off with her for a while. It will do me a lot of good to stay home with her. Today, Beck and I stood and held each other for a long time, and it brought back so many good memories. It was fantastic for me, and I needed to feel her arms around me and her head on my chest. She told me she needed me, and I guess I needed to hear that too. I let her know that I need her just as much. It was a wonderful, intimate moment, and we haven't had any of those in a while. I needed it, and I closed my eyes and asked God to help me protect her. Please Lord give me strength, because I'm running on empty. The only thing keeping me going is pure, everlasting love for this woman who chose me to be by her side, so that is where I am going to be. Tomorrow is a new day.
Going to bed. Good night and God Bless. Thanks for the support from all of you, and I love you guys too.
Sunday night and today has been a great day. Becka's Mom and Dad took us out to breakfast this morning, then we came back here and relaxed. Beck took a nap while I did a few things around here, and our friends Todd and Laurie showed up around lunch. It was so good to see them both. There are people in this world that I love with all of my heart and soul, and they fall in that category. They drove a long way to see Beck, and now they are driving back home, so please pray for their safe travel. It was hard letting go of them when they left. I wish they lived closer, but then they would get sick of me.
I have to work in the morning, but I'm taking off this week sometime and I'm staying home with Beck so that her Parents can go to Florida for a while, and I can be here with her. I need to be. I never leave the house without worrying all day. I need to be by her side when she reaches for me. I got emotional today talking to Todd and he gave me a big man hug. He was teary eyed as well. Todd's heart is the size of our house, and his work ethic is way up there. I really do love people who work hard, no matter what they do. I once saw a man mowing a lawn with no arms. He was a double amputee, and he was pushing the mower with his chest. God Bless the hard workers, and the ones who want to work. I have no tolerance for those who either don't want to work, or live off the sweat of others. The one thing I inherited from my Father that I'm proud of is his work ethic. He always took care of his family. Call me old fashioned, but as men, it's our job to leave the cave every day, kill something, and drag it home for supper, (figuratively speaking).
It made Beck very happy to see them today. Her feet are down to normal size! We've been elevating them and I painted her toenails purple. She had a shower this morning and I need some more of the body scrub she likes. My Baby looked fabulous today! She's getting tired so I'm going to tuck her in bed in a few minutes.
Today was a blessed day and I'm grateful for it. Friends and family make everything better. We have so many special, wonderful people around us, and we love you guys and gals. I pray for another day like this one, as long as it's with the love of my life. This is what life is all about, and I give God all of the Glory. I'm grateful for his mercy.
Headed to bed! Sweet Dreams and God Bless!
Saturday night and Beck is in bed already. She took two pain pills and laid down. We have been elevating her feet and they came down today, but then they went back up tonight, so I wish we had called the doctor. I will call him in the morning. Beck slept a bunch today. This afternoon, I was in the bedroom getting it ready for her, and she was walking towards the door when I heard her call me. She became extremely dizzy and almost fell. I got to her just as she was going down and picked her back up on her feet long enough to make it to the bed. I caught her trying to sneak out of the bed again last night. She is supposed to wake me up every time before she gets up, but I felt my leg pulling to the side. The tether is a great idea. I'm so glad that tomorrow is Sunday. We are going to breakfast in the morning with her Mom and Dad, then I'm coming back here and sleeping until our friends get here. They are visiting for a while, then driving back home, which takes several hours.
Today has been an overall good day. We had pizza for supper and I baked some cookies. Beck's Mom and I worked on her lift chair. They bought a cover for it and we put it on, and we cleaned up around the house. I had to run out a couple of times, but other than that it was a lazy afternoon.
I'm sorry but my mind is so tired that I can't think straight. I should have napped today, but I had too much to do around here. Beck's parents are leaving this coming week and going back to Florida. They need a break and I'm taking off to be with her. I ordered her two lbs of Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans from Jellybelly. They are her favorite, and the new bag that I ordered for her came in today. It has our last name embroidered on the side of it. Anything that makes her happy right now, I'm doing.
I kissed my Baby gently tonight when I tucked her in bed, and I told her I loved her as I looked in her eyes. I want her to know every day how I feel about her. I have no idea how much time we have left together, but I'm making it a point to take advantage of every second. She's my Baby, my Angel. Our relationship has changed and it's different, but for better or worse, in sickness and in health, I'll be right here. In time, there is a lot I will share with you about things, but not right now. Right now, I'm going to bed.
Good night and God Bless. If you love someone, don't go to sleep without telling them. You may not get another chance.
Sweet Dreams.
